Items of Note

"Sure Jesus could restore my physical and spiritual virginity, especially if I lost it to some rapist, but who wants that? I'm saving myself for marriage, and I'll use force if necessary." -Hilary Faye

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The list

A quote that I just found in my purse on a bar napkin...

"There are explicit rules about which tractors John can and cannot drive, and the muthafucker ain't gettin' into mine."

WTF? Was I hanging out with farm hands or were they truckers? The sad thing is I have no idea, but wouldn't rule out either.

I have discovered that Edwardo doesn't satisfy the minimum requirements to even hit "Fuck buddy" status. Would you like to see the criteria?

Here you go...

1. Has goals
2. Makes more money than me (I know - there is a reason for this)
3. Has wooing skills
4. Enjoys going out
5. Excellent sense of humor
6. Has a spine
7. Excels at the sex
8. Well groomed
9. Reasonable relationship expectations (no proposals after 2 dates)
7. Again with the excelling at sex
10. Gets along with my family/friends (or can pretend at least)

We worked out a percentage ranking system:

Meets 50% of criteria = fuck buddy
Meets 75% of criteria = long term potential
Meets 100% of criteria = probably doesn't exist, but if so then qualifies for 'other' which may or may not include marriage

Edwardo satisfies about 4 - 40% is not good.

I'm still 'prolly gonna let him come home with me. He always was good at the house work thing.... ;)

18 Comments:

At 1:35 PM, Blogger Other Brother said...

Wait a minute... let me recount. Yep I'm a 90%er... maybe 80% depending on your definition of wooing skills and because I almost certainly make less money.
Sugardaddy? No
Long term fuck buddy? Let's see

 
At 2:28 PM, Blogger Princess Steph said...

excellent. We shall hook up the long term fuck buddy system.

You sure you qualify for the "Excells at the sex" because that is of up-most importance.

 
At 3:41 PM, Blogger Shumpy said...

I got you covered on 10 out of 10.

And if I do say so, I am superior at sex. I have references.

Plus - #11 I own my own leather chaps.

 
At 3:48 PM, Blogger Princess Steph said...

so you wanna get married 'cause im not busy after my garage sale this weekend..... :-)

leather chaps - if we both wore them do you think we would get enough friction to light a camp fire?

 
At 6:28 PM, Blogger Ian said...

1 - tick: Want to be an Olympic Downhill Skier when I grow up.
2 - tick: Probably true. If not, then you're being paid plenty and this wouldn't be an issue.
3 - tick: I persistently comment on yer blog don't I?
4 - tick(ish): (Sometimes interfers with item 7)
5 - tick: your call.
6 - tick: I have xrays to prove it.
7 - tick: have tried it twice now, made a boy and a girl.
8 - tick: I wash, I shave, I dress, therefore I am.
9 - tick: already have a wife (well, according to the law I do..) so no unreasonable proposals other than how about some more 7?
10 - tick: happy to be nice to Edwardo, S, E, JKLMNOP and the rest of the alphabet.

 
At 7:54 PM, Blogger Osbasso said...

Well, I'll give it a shot--
1) Nope-found them unattainable
2) Nope-the drive thru guy @ McD makes more
3) Yes-I'm very good at this
4) Yes-but I'm in a small town
5) Yes-so I'm told
6) Yes-generally in pain, but it's there
7) Yes-well, I used to. don't know anymore
8) Yes-for a middle-aged fat man
9) Yes-if you don't mind the others....
7) Yes-I'm still guessing
10) Yes-I'm very good with faking sincerity

I'm somewhere between 50-80%. I think the age and distance thing will knock those down too, so I guess I'll just sit on the sidelines and watch.

 
At 8:21 PM, Blogger Ian said...

I guess I'm with Os, prolly too far away, and I don't have chaps.
I have a wetsuit though, do you like blokes wrapped in latex?

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger nongirlfriend said...

Okay, let me know when I CAN link.

I'm waiting on your response for a size for your prize.

No nasty remarks here, boys. It's totally innocent!

 
At 8:39 PM, Blogger Other Brother said...

I can tell you all day long about excelling at the sex but you never know for sure until you try, right?

 
At 4:50 AM, Blogger ago-go said...

i have all except #2...but i think i'm missing some very crucial equipment! and i'm not sure how i'd be at wooing a girl ^o^

 
At 5:13 AM, Blogger Osbasso said...

Go-go--Don't sell yourself short! I'll bet Steph would dump every male lined up at her door if you showed up!

 
At 5:33 AM, Blogger Johnny said...

im only good at the sex part.

and hung like a donkey. ;)

 
At 6:13 AM, Blogger Princess Steph said...

Oh dear god.... what have I done....

 
At 6:22 AM, Blogger A. Estella Sassypants said...

Johnny,
Everyone can be hung like a donkey thanks to their local nasties shop.

I fulfill all criteria except #2 and I'm the closest. :oP

 
At 8:17 AM, Blogger Princess Steph said...

crap-I knew that I would end up having to marry a girl. I just knew it.

 
At 8:30 AM, Blogger Osbasso said...

I see a catfight brewing between Ago-go and Andi!!! But admit it, haven't we all sorta been waiting for that anyway??

Steph--you have the only way to prevent it. Become a lesbian bigamist and marry them both!

 
At 1:07 PM, Blogger Princess Steph said...

sounds like a plan....

 
At 4:17 PM, Blogger Ian said...

I love this "being on the other side of the planet" thing. I get to come in to work and choke on my coffee each morning reading all this stuff :)
Steph, keep this up and you'll have to move your blog again...

 

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