Items of Note

"Sure Jesus could restore my physical and spiritual virginity, especially if I lost it to some rapist, but who wants that? I'm saving myself for marriage, and I'll use force if necessary." -Hilary Faye

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Letters

Dear co-worker with the hideous perfume,

Hi there - how are you? Me? Oh I'm fine thanks.

Yeah, so I was just wondering if you could possibly discontinue wearing that heinous 'scent' that I have been dealing with for the past year? I have been nice to you- I have. However when I walked into the ladies restroom this morning and was assaulted by the WORST smell ever known to exist, I decided it was time to broach the subject.

See, here's what I'm thinking. If one does walk into a restroom and feels violated enough to gag and turn around and run despite the fact that her knees have been clenched together for the past half hour, the offender should probably be poo. Seriously, your perfume should not outperform feces when it comes to clearing out restrooms.

My lungs- they burn like I sipped a little Drain-o with my morning moo juice.

I had to have a conversation with a stranger in the hall -we all know how I don't like to talk to people- but I HAD to let her know that smell in no way was connected to me. She thought I was crazy until I saw her running past me all wild-eyed, clenching her throat as if attempting to kill herself. She understood.

In closing I would like you to come by my desk (after you go downstairs and into the gym and take a shower) and we can discuss some alternative solutions to your poor taste problems.

Thankyouverymuch-
~~Princess


Dear E,

I don't want to take one for the team. Cuban Boy will move on soon and stop calling you I promise. Either that or you will kill him in a fit of rage - I swear I will be a character witness for you at the trial. And I will wear a low cut shirt on the witness stand - that should do it.

I promise next time I date one of your friends I will withhold all blow jobs, as we have discussed this is the only possible solution to why all the men I date are insane.

Thankyouverymuch-
~~Princess

15 Comments:

At 8:43 AM, Blogger Pixel said...

I dealt with Cuban Boy's type in junior high. I sat listening to him discuss all the problems in his life (caused by other people, of course)on my white telephone with the tangled cord all night. I cooed emotional support, I purred out advice and slathered him in affection. Then, accidently believe me, I matured and all that got old. I am done.

 
At 8:51 AM, Blogger art said...

there seems to be at least on person in every office who has some sort of issue with either their perfume stinking or .well.just stinking themselves

 
At 9:43 AM, Blogger Bougie Black Boy said...

OH MY GOD. I LOVE your blog.

An exercise I quite often do is to write some "unsent" letters. very therapeutic. . .

 
At 10:02 AM, Blogger Stairwell said...

Is it grandmother perfume? I have one of those at my office too. And she insists on talking to me - in MY office - at least once a day. I almost think it's just so she can leave that odor behind.

I brought Lysol. And if that doens't work I'm using a lighter. Of course, I may lose my eyebrows if I go that far.

Or maybe you just pick insane men? It's possible. Hell, you talk to me. What does that say?

 
At 10:35 AM, Blogger AMS said...

one of the girls in work has ruined Georgio Sensi for me(i used to really like it) by bathing in it about three times a day AT HER DESK. now i think it smells like apple pie

 
At 11:01 AM, Blogger Tim said...

Steph-

Regarding the smell, you really should just send all kinds of smelly ass shit to her in a package. Think about it. Any kind of smell can be increased exponentially by sending it in the mail. Therefore, no more smelly perfumes.

Regarding blowjobs, I don't know E, do I? KIDDING! GEEZ-OH-PETES!

-Tim

 
At 11:26 AM, Blogger Princess Steph said...

Pix (E)- You are done? Please don't send him my way - Tall Boy is a lover not a fighter..... (he did tell me he would take him out if I wanted)

Art- they are evil- there is a crate in the corner of hell waiting for all of them. It is metal and will burn them. (I dont know whats wrong with me)

Stephen- OH MY GOD I love your pic and your blog and was wondering if you wanted to get married? OK, maybe not married, but I still love your blog. and pic. Sorry.

Stair- I would accept nothing less than your being insane. I want to say that it is something by Elizabeth Arden which would make it fall into the grandmother category...

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger Princess Steph said...

ams- I would take apple pie over ass any day. Did I just type that?

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger Princess Steph said...

Tim- what an excellent suggestion, but I fear she would not catch on. I think Ill take it to HR, say im allergic or something. We will see.

Do you know E? Do you know me? I dare say if you do then there would be no question mark surrounding the bjs. ;)

 
At 12:38 PM, Blogger Sam said...

Um... can I still get a bj? I promise I won't wear any perfume.

 
At 12:54 PM, Blogger The Funky Bee said...

Yuck, the perfume bather. I am getting a nauseating headache just thinking about it. These are the people that when speaking to you smell like they drink the heinous scent - it comes out of their pours and breath! UUUGGHH. Do you feel like when you walk away from them you smell like it now too? yuck!

 
At 1:28 PM, Blogger wopanese said...

I know someone who always complained about the cologne or perfume certain people would wear... and then she would wear this obnoxious eye-burning concoction... I wonder if it was ass-liniment?

We went through the smell-o-rama battles here for a while. I wish you luck.

As for blowjobs, well... either drive em crazy with em, or drive em crazy by denying them access... we're men. We're simple.

 
At 3:28 PM, Blogger yournamehere said...

I once gave a girl a perfume called "Blowjob". She threw it at me. Ungrateful bitch.

 
At 4:35 PM, Blogger Ian said...

You give a man a blowjob and he goes insane? Wow, that's a skill.

 
At 5:09 PM, Blogger katarina said...

I was just talking to a friend about this. We have someone at work that makes her OWN SCENTS. Perfume, potporri, candles, soap. She wears them all at the same time and coats her office in everything she can't wear. I fight for breath everytime I pass her or her office.
We have patients with asthma and allergies and they have to be locked up in a room with her. We've complained to HR and nothing was done. They didn't feel they could tell her that she stinks. Never stopped them before.
They should outlaw perfume. I hate it.

 

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