Items of Note

"Sure Jesus could restore my physical and spiritual virginity, especially if I lost it to some rapist, but who wants that? I'm saving myself for marriage, and I'll use force if necessary." -Hilary Faye

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Final wishes

Dear Pixel-

I do believe that there are some tiny (maybe not so tiny) little creatures inside of me twisting things around in an attempt to make this whole period thing as friggin' painful as possible.
How much Midol is too much because I'm about to take more?

Oh my gawd.

I seriously might die. Die I tell you.

If I do die I need you to do a few things for me:

1. Clear out my toy box before my Mom gets to my apartment. She is never to know that I have owned any such devices. You may do with them what you will - perhaps a separate little ceremony by the sea for them? It seems a shame to let them go to waste, perhaps you can donate them to the orgasm-less society? Those poor women, I hope I can do my part.

2. Ensure that all of my men are informed of my demise. The best course of action would be one mass text message that says something like "sorry boys, no more excellent head from the blonde as she has expired due to the wrath of God." I think it's concise and to the point, don't you? Please listen for the collective sigh that falls over Dallas when you hit send, it will make you proud.

3. I know it may seem as though I'm stuck on this, but really Damien must be praised for what his mama gave him, so you are going to need to follow through on my sex plans for next week. It will be like your last little tribute to me. It's like a 'take one for the team' request, but somehow not.

4. The dog must be relocated- find him a good home. The cat, well honestly you are going to have to go ahead and kill her in the most human way possible and put her in the casket with me. I simply cannot be without my Pinkerbell. I know that technically she doesn't deserve to go to hell, but you are going to have to make her commit some kind of crime/sin before you kill her so that she will end up where I do. Unless you can work out some way that I can make it in to heaven. Yeah, I like the sound of that better.

5. I will need to be buried in the most outrageous wedding/prom dress concoction you can find at Thrift Town. A tiara is a must, but you already knew this. Oh, and you are going to need to bury the Bare Minerals bronzer with me, I'm sorry, I must have it.

6. Last, and most important, you must spread the word that although the coroner's report might list "died from worst cramps ever," you know that it was really that shank wound from my time spent in jail that did me in. I just can't go out like that you know, who dies from cramps? Not me, I'm too hard core to go down like that. An old shank wound from that time I was in a gang, remember that, it is of up most importance.

Thank you for your time and enjoy Damien.

15 Comments:

At 3:33 PM, Blogger yournamehere said...

If you die I'll spread the rumor that it was from the prison shank. I'm also gonna lie and say we got it on, 'cause I'm a bastard.

 
At 3:37 PM, Blogger Princess Steph said...

lie?

 
At 4:06 PM, Blogger petrow said...

I think saturday night live is hiring for new writers, verr consoder a change in employment , your to funny.

 
At 4:18 PM, Blogger yournamehere said...

You tease me so.

 
At 5:19 PM, Blogger Osbasso said...

Can we get one really good HNT pic before we close the casket?

 
At 7:56 PM, Blogger yournamehere said...

Os, it's official. You are shameless.

 
At 10:19 PM, Blogger ago-go said...

poor babe. you are in pain but yet still so fucking funny! have you tried a heating pad yet? or naproxen?

 
At 2:22 AM, Blogger AMS said...

brilliant! I can just imagine the headstone....

 
At 6:12 AM, Blogger MollyNormal said...

Steph I'm right with you this week. I had all my plans for sex tonight, and then the little bastard shows up 3 days early. A fine howdy do, eh? Cramps are killer, if they take you they will certainly take me too.

Best wishes that the curse almost over.

 
At 7:24 AM, Blogger Princess Steph said...

I appreciate your concern. I was able to make it through one more night due to the fact that I discovered some muscle relaxors in a bottle of my hives medicine (don't ask don't tell where they came from.)

See, God doesn't hate me as much as I feared.

 
At 7:52 AM, Blogger Stairwell said...

She's BACK, ladies and gentlemen!!! *crowd roars*

Completely random thought, but what if you hooked up a "crowd noise/cheer" device in your bedroom? Would that be funny or just demented? I'm just askin'...

 
At 8:11 AM, Blogger Pixel said...

How about a McDonald's sign. I am just saying, a bright neon sign over your bed saying how many served, now that's freaking funny.

 
At 8:35 AM, Blogger Princess Steph said...

gah- Pixel - remember when I was in high school and I stole that 'over a billion served' sign?

The funny thing about it was I was still a virgin at the time, but I joked about putting it above my bed.

I wonder what ever happened to that sign.

As for your suggestion Stair, I dont need any distractions, I prolly make more noise than that thing anyway.

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger Stairwell said...

What about an "APPLAUSE" sign like they have at game shows? Don't think it'd be as funny as the # served sign, but it would definitely say "you must appreciate what I have done for you here. And appreciate it now."

 
At 6:47 PM, Blogger katarina said...

I also have a friend that will clear out my sex stuff before my parents get there to clean out my things. And just in case she doesn't make it in time, I have a strict note on it to just throw out the whole box. It's locked. I hope they heed my last request. Or I may die all over again.

 

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