Items of Note

"Sure Jesus could restore my physical and spiritual virginity, especially if I lost it to some rapist, but who wants that? I'm saving myself for marriage, and I'll use force if necessary." -Hilary Faye

Monday, October 03, 2005

I always thought handcuffs would feel better than this...

Things I said this weekend:

No you cannot kiss me on the mouth- one tequila shot does not buy you a kiss you freak.

I actually wasn’t referring to the other inmates ogling of me I was referring to you and your peers, please have a female pull up my top or remove my handcuffs so I can do it myself.

No thank you, I don’t want any crack at this time.

Be careful with my purse it cost more than your monthly salary. (Which is so not true, but hey, I can be bitchy.)

No I didn’t neuter my dead dog and I didn’t realize it was a ticketable offense.

So as you may have guessed I spent time in jail this weekend.

This is the one and only time this will be discussed – that goes for those of you who know me in person as well.

I was pulled over Saturday night for a warrant out of another county for failing to neuter a dog that I got from the city shelter (because he died of distemper 2 weeks after we got him) and for a failure to provide financial responsibility (no insurance) ticket from yet another county from 1994. The Dallas police cars apparently scan all license plates and if a warrant hit comes back they light you up. I got lit up.

I was arrested and kept in jail for 12 hours. The very excellent news was that the officer did not give me a DWI- he didn’t even ask me if I had been drinking and how much, which was a miracle because it was 1:30 am and I had been drinking since 9. I was not falling down drunk, and didn’t even feel slightly impaired, but I am fully aware that I would not have passed a breathalyzer.

So anyway there I was in the most expensive and most revealing top I own with my hands behind my back on the side of the road on Cedar Springs.

My arresting officer did everything but actually ask me out. The guy who ‘helped’ him transport me said “I know this is inappropriate to say but I wanted to let you know that you look great in that shirt.” Yes, yes it was inappropriate to say.

I went to two jails, the city jail was first. There I was put into a cage with a crack whore who had a bloody nose. There were about 15 men across the way in the male cage – they liked my top too. Or maybe it was just my breasts, I can’t remember. That is where my respect for police officers began to erode. I watched an officer intentionally pick at a guy until he took a swing at him – hell I would have taken a swing at him too if he hade done it to me. Then when the guy called him a bitch the officer said “No I’m not a bitch, the bitches are over there” – pointing to my cage.

At the second jail I was offered crack by a woman who showed it to me and said “they missed it when they searched me” (I shudder to think about where it was that they missed it.) I spent about 8 hours of my time with a woman who was pulled over with 15 lbs of pot in her trunk, but the good news is that she was only charged with transporting less than 5 lbs. I wonder where those other 10 lbs went? She had been shot in the lower abdomen by her ex who “didn’t want anybody else to use her pussy.” She showed me the scar. She also showed me the ropes.

Nobody messed with me – there was a lot of staring because my breasts were mostly exposed. The looks from the guards (98% men) were far creepier than the inmates. One of the guards offered to let me use his cell phone since I couldn’t call anybody I knew from the jail phone because all of my numbers were longs distance. He led me into a special cell by myself and then forgot about me for 1.5 hours.

I made friends with a gang of women who were lesbians and had all served time together at one point or another. They didn’t offer to share the one and only mat with me (thank God), but they did let me have a roll of toilet paper to use as a pillow. I spread out little squares on the floor in an effort to not freeze to death as I lay down on the concrete. From what they were telling me the jail I was in was one of the worst they had ever seen, and they had seen a lot between them.

I was there for so long due to a lot of screw ups. They didn’t really know what to do with me, all of my stuff was out of county – they didn’t want to keep me there, so I had to wait for one of the other counties to pick me up. Thank goodness I had called my sister the second I got pulled over (she is an attorney,) otherwise nobody would have known I was there, and I still might be sitting on that cold floor.

My advice to you all would be to learn some of those numbers from your cell phone – I knew exactly 1 number (long distance) because I program numbers into my cell and never give them another thought.

My other piece of advice is never give your second bologna sandwich away immediately – you might be able to use it later. Oh, and if you are locked up for not neutering your dead dog you should definitely lie and say that you were in for assault, I did.

Also, if one of your friends spends the night in jail it is probably a good idea for you to go ahead and call them and check on them at some point, perhaps maybe not AFTER many hours have gone by after you KNOW they were released. It might make your jail-shocked friend sad and a little bit bitter.

The funny thing is I was joking with Paul (sigh) Saturday morning about him bringing over his handcuffs – that would be a big hell no now.

At least a guy at the club told me I looked scrumptious before all of this happened. Also I gave my number to some guy named Patrick, he called twice yesterday while I was sleeping.

So there you have it. Another experience added to my resume – one I would have loved to have skipped, or at least been in another city for.


At 8:36 AM, Blogger Osbasso said...

I firmly believe that everyone should spend some real time in jail, just to get a taste of it. Been there, done that, don't want to go back. Sorry it had to happen. Glad you can talk about it with some levity!

At 9:06 AM, Blogger katarina said...

Holy shit. I'm sitting here in awe. What an exciting life you lead.
Os, does that mean you spent some time in jail too?

At 9:16 AM, Blogger AndyT13 said...

That's one set of bars I never want to sit behind. Overnight in ANY clink (drunk and disorderly or not) is WAY too long. Phooey.
Bad cops. No doughnuts.

At 9:32 AM, Blogger Stairwell said...

I didn't know they could write you a ticket for not neutering your dog. And how come there's a statute of limitations on murder, but not on failure to provide insurance? Seems kinda back-asswards to me.

12 hours is insane. Especially for what you were arrested for. I think the cop just wanted to spend some time with you.

Lesson #396 - make sure you always have a sweater or light jacket in the car with you (just in case you need to cover up).

Did you get the officers' badge numbers? That could come in useful later on. At least one is on the arrest report. Not sure if they'd put all the "arresting" officers on there or not.

All in all, jail sucks and I'm sorry that you had to spend your evening like that.

At 9:32 AM, Blogger ago-go said...

you get taken to jail for not neutering a dog that died 2 weeks after you got him? that's the dumbest thing i've heard in a while. seriously, do the police have so much time to waste that that pull you over rather than attending to some houseparty where someone's been knifed? really.

At 10:32 AM, Blogger Steph said...

Wow...that sucks hardcore. At least no one messed with you. Thankfully you're out of there.

At 10:48 AM, Blogger Trevor said...

What dumbass county issued an arrest warrant for not neutering your dog? WTF!?!? I could maybe (and thats a big stretch) see the warrant the insurance thing, but not the dog. I wonder if I have any 10 year old warrants floating around from my Bedford days.

At 11:16 AM, Blogger Princess Steph said...

Os- well I did learn a lot, I just wish I hadn't been wearning that damn expensive top. I may never wear it again now.

Kat- this is NOT the kind of excitement I crave. I'm gonna hide out at the house for a while I think.

Andy- they offered us doughnuts at 4 am - I turned mine down, a crack whore made me go get mine for her, I should have charged her now that I know how it works.

Stair- now you know. I was sure that ticket from my senior year in high school from a town 100 miles away had dropped off by now. I did not get any badge numbers, I know from Paul that they will just lie their asses off when it comes right down to it (hello, there were 10 lbs of pot missing from that girl's car!!!!!) My sister said that she bets one of them calls me (number from police report) and she is just waiting for that day (the attorney in her.)

go-go- I know!!! I was a VERY busy night in Dallas too, there was a big football thing that gets out of hand every year, I heard on the police scanner that at one point there were 5,000 people rioting at a hotel. Bastards.

At 11:18 AM, Blogger Princess Steph said...

Steph - Indeed. Is it wrong that I saw one or two really cute detainees? They were there for DWI's..... (ok one was there for assault with a deadly weapon, but he was still cute.)

Trevor- Tarrant on the dog thing and Johnson on the insurance. Rat bastards.

At 11:20 AM, Blogger Stairwell said...

Tarrant had the dog warrant?!?! Well since they have absolutely nothing better to do...oh wait, aren't they starring in the nightly news these days? That's what I thought.

At 12:36 PM, Blogger Pixel said...

Dear readers,

I shall attempt to ease Steph's shock from her jarring experience tonight. I am thinking alcohol and a naughty adult-themed show. Any other suggestions?

At 12:43 PM, Blogger Princess Steph said...

oh great- I just looked down and the stamp from the club Saturday night (a martini glass in a circle) has faded to look like an anarchy symbol..... just what I need.

I totally forgot to tell y'all about my cop neighbor telling me Saturday afternoon that I 'sure do have a lot of traffic coming and going out of my house.'

Pixel is there some sort of alternative to drinking? They had these brown pills in the last holding cell I was in that one of the inmates was passing out - Thorazine I think they said- do you have any of those?

At 1:30 PM, Blogger Shumpy said...

damn girl! that really sucks. Yep, cops can run your plates for no reason.

I have been a guest at Lew Sterrit once before and I hope to never go back ever again, so I can sympathize totally with you.

Os, I agree. Everyone should go just once. It'll scare them into not fucking up again (hopefully).

Steph I hope the sis can get everything squared away for you. Maybe those dumbass' will give you a ring then you can really sic the sis on 'em!

So will you be posting your mugshots in that fabulous top for HNT? ;-) just kidding - don't kick me.

At 1:30 PM, Blogger Pixel said...

Will vicadine(sp?) do? Of course, then I have to talkt o CB.

At 1:57 PM, Blogger Princess Steph said...

pix- no no, you should not have to talk to Cuban Boy for anything - I will be ok, hey, I'm still a little numb even!!!

Shump- wasn't it ever so fun and clean? Clean indeed....

Hey I met Troy Akiman's sister's drug dealer, I forgot that too.

At 2:01 PM, Blogger Kat's Nine Lives said...

WTF! These assholes love to come up with new ways to be even bigger assholes! Steph - You're right, all they would do is lie to cover their asses! They call it "The Blue Wall of Silence" or some shit. Dumb asses...Oh, is that ALL? Five thousand people rioting? Wat to go, Blue! Fuck-faces.....Glad you're alright...

At 2:36 PM, Blogger The Funky Bee said...

oh you poor, poor thing! That totally sucks! Now being deathly ill just doesn't seem so bad. At least if you were fully clothed it may not have been as bad...maybe not! Sorry you had to spend the night with the scum of the earth, and by that I mean the cops. Guess you'll learn to neuter your dead pets from now on!

At 3:11 PM, Blogger nongirlfriend said...

ALWAYS spay or neuter. It's not a ticketable offense, it's just better for the animal.

Heh, I love the purse comment. I felt like saying the same about my makeup to the skank-ho who told me she wanted to make me over so I'd be "pretty again."

Like I want to look like a low-rent hooker. Jeez.

At 3:53 PM, Blogger yournamehere said...

I can forgive the cops for checking out your goods, they're only human. But one of them called you a bitch? Oh, hell no! When I read that, the NWA song "Fuck tha Police" immediately played in my head.

At 8:11 PM, Blogger A. Estella Sassypants said...

Uggg, Tarrant. Sorry to hear about the shitty time in jail. I'll remember the bologna sandwich thing in case I ever need it, though. You're like a walking, talking, blogging public service announcement.

At 3:57 AM, Blogger AMS said...

holy fuck!!! you defo need your own tv show!

At 10:56 AM, Blogger Sam said...

OMG. For failing to spay a dead dog. WTF? Amazing story, I'm so glad you shared it with us.

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