Items of Note

"Sure Jesus could restore my physical and spiritual virginity, especially if I lost it to some rapist, but who wants that? I'm saving myself for marriage, and I'll use force if necessary." -Hilary Faye

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Ranty McRant

Hold on kiddos, here I go.

Let’s start with the fact that I worked from 8 am to 8:30 pm yesterday, while all of my coworkers were blissfully going on with their mundane lives of picking up kids and making school lunches. These are the same peers who all left at 2 pm on Friday while I got to work until 6. This would be a nice case of ‘let’s make the new(ish) girl take up all of the slack.’ Bastards. Little do they know how quickly I burn through the ranks and get promotions. They will all be working for me very soon without any doubt.

So I get home and strap on my running shoes to blow off some steam with Zuesy Bear. We go to the neighborhood next to my apartments and are walking down the middle of the road when some asshole stops me and says “I just wanted to remind you that in this neighborhood we pick up our dog’s poo.” Now mind you I am walking in the middle of the road, nowhere near any grass at all. I felt like telling him “Look asshole, you can tell me when and where my dog can shit the second you grow some of your hair back, lose 50 lbs, add about six inches to that tiny dick of yours and bend me over the side of the couch and fuck me like a real man – then and only then can you tell me what to do. Oh, and speech therapy might help with the lisp cock sucker. Fuck you very much.” My dog would rather gnaw his own paw off than take a crap on concrete – I would be the much more likely candidate to do that – don’t think I didn’t consider it for just a second. It’s a good think I have that one little shred of pride left.

Speaking of dog poo and things that suck (that would be me) – can somebody please provide me with a good reason why I should not save my pennies to pay to have the Black-eyed Peas assassinated? Really, tell me now. If I hear that motherfucking My Humps song one more time I cannot be held responsible for any murderous rage I may fly in to. “My lovely lady lumps?” Really? This is the best they could come up with? How about the scathingly brilliant line of “What you gon’ do wit all that breast?” I’ll tell you what I’m gon’ do with ‘em, I’m going to use them to smother myself next chance I get.

Cuban Boy called last night – he was asking for his DVD’s back. He knows the rules about all porn left at my house becomes mine to distribute as I see necessary. I told him I had nothing of his, except for that huge chunk of his heart that he left on my bedroom floor. Idiot.

Last, but so very much not least, there was Paul. He sends me a text message asking what I am doing. I say nothing, he says he is at the bar with a friend, I say cool, he says yes, I ask if he is inviting me to join or just taunting and he returns with you can join if you want. If I want? My reply was “could you be any more non-committal?” Again I say idiot.

That is all for now. I have a funny story from last night but I don’t want it to water down my bitching, so I will save it for later this week.

Y’all have a good motherfucking Tuesday.

16 Comments:

At 8:51 AM, Blogger Kat's Nine Lives said...

Steph -

I'm with you on the Black Eyed Peas. I hate that damn song! Is this the kind of "talent" (or lack thereof)that is necessary to be successful in the music industry? Excuse my while I go jump off the roof...

"Check it out!"....Morons.

 
At 11:18 AM, Blogger MollyNormal said...

Did you see that pic of Fergie where she pissed herself during a concert? Her lovely lady hump must have been full to the brim. *ick* I do NOT like them either, one bit.

Tell Cuban Boy that possession if 9/10 of the law. If it's at your house, it's yours.

 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger Poolboy said...

The song is bad enough, but then the F*ing radio stations play it over and over and over and over and over and.. well, you get my point. Enough already!

 
At 11:35 AM, Blogger Steph said...

Fergie looks like a man. I really do think she's a penis packer in a not so great disguise.

You should have throw some dog shit at Mr. Neighborhood Watch

 
At 11:54 AM, Blogger Stairwell said...

Who says you need talent??? Hell, it's no coincidence that BEP never made a blip on the radar until Fergie joined. And even with her transvestite tendencies, she can probably find at least one marketing guy to push their garbage on the unsuspecting public.

Of course, I gave up on mainstream music when Mtv started making their own tv shows. So, I'm only slightly bitter.

 
At 12:04 PM, Blogger Princess Steph said...

what pushed me over the edge with that fucking song last night is it was playing when i left to walk the dog then agan when we returned like 45 mins later.

i almost always listen to cds, but i am trying to broaden my horizons - so much for that. I will just take some suggestions from you guys....

 
At 1:06 PM, Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

I hate the Black Eyed Peas myself. It kills that they came out so 'anti-commercial/corporate America' and then they have an iPod commercial? WTF is that?

 
At 2:53 PM, Blogger yournamehere said...

Yes, the black eyed peas suck; yes, I will ad them to the Shovel list; yes, I'm in love with the Princess.

 
At 4:13 PM, Blogger nongirlfriend said...

My motherfucking Tuesday motherfucking sucked.

There's my rant. Not that I don't already rant enough as it is.

P.S. Fergie looks scarily like Kirstie Alley.

 
At 5:02 PM, Blogger Sam said...

I love rants. You have my permission to kill the Black Eyed Peas.

 
At 7:35 PM, Blogger World's Greatest D.J. said...

The Black Eyed Peas have never been the same since that girl joined the grouo. Now, they are only popular because of her. Sex sells in this world, and it's all part of the overexposure factor in America.

 
At 7:42 PM, Anonymous Nickie said...

I fucking hate that song too! It so gets on my fucking nerves...

 
At 8:55 PM, Blogger whycantibeu said...

kathleen (my sis) has learned the most annoying parts of the song to piss me off in the car on the way to work. fergie sings about getting us drunk off of her love humps. i have a better idea. how about she knuckle punch me in the head until i'm brain dead so if i ever have to listen to that retarded ass song again it won't bother me. BEP SUCKS!!!

 
At 3:50 AM, Blogger katarina said...

What's up with Paul? He's disappointing me.

When you're the boss you have to make all of those other people stay late and let the new girl go home early.
And burst out with an evil laugh.
Oh, and don't forget to twirl your mustache.

 
At 7:00 AM, Blogger MollyNormal said...

Music recommendations: check out this band called Seether - they rock if you like a little harder stuff.

 
At 2:04 PM, Blogger The Funky Bee said...

holy shite you are cracking me up with this post - all of it. Lady Lumps makes me want to stick a fork in my ear! And the Fergie is one rough looking biatch!~

 

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