Items of Note

"Sure Jesus could restore my physical and spiritual virginity, especially if I lost it to some rapist, but who wants that? I'm saving myself for marriage, and I'll use force if necessary." -Hilary Faye

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

It's my dad.

I had a dream last night that we had another funeral for him because for some reason his body had to exhumed. This go around we buried him in Canada (go figure.)

I assume I had this dream since he was what I was thinking about before I went to bed- thinking about how much Christmas is going to suck without him there. I sat down to think about what I was going to need to shop for and he was the first name I wrote down because he was always the easiest to buy for, slippers and a few DVD's and he was a happy man, especially over the last few years when he was happy just to get to hang out with us.

I don't want to decorate my house, I don't want to go to stores that are selling Christmas items, I don't want to see all of the houses brightly lit up. Why should we be allowed to go on like normal when he isn't here to see it too?

One of our traditions was that the four of us (Mom, Dad, Sister and myself) would always get together on Christmas eve and have a little family party complete with fancy food and drinks. We would open our gifts and watch Christmas movies and just hang out, even when my parents split a few years back we still kept up the tradition. My parents never said a disparaging word about each other despite the horrific circumstances that caused their split, that evening was always the same.

Thinking about this last year I wondered what the hell I have to be thankful and joyous about. I lost him, I no longer have my male best friend of the last 10 years, my core group of friends has been ripped to shreds and I am left sitting over here by myself. Actually not alone, I am saddled with a man that I don't want and another that I want but isn't worth fighting for because what's the point? He will be like all the rest.

The weather here is getting bad (by our standards) and we are all being sent home. The Suit asked if he could stay over tonight since I live so close to the office and I tried to say no but just couldn't. I don't want any company, especially him. Oh well.

Wish us luck.

16 Comments:

At 10:56 AM, Blogger The Funky Bee said...

I'm really sorry that you are so down right now. I know it's easier said than done but try to be happy remembering all of the great memories that you have with your dad. The holiday's bring out the worst in people and you may think that you have nothing to be thankful or joyous about but you do: Your health, your mom, your sister and I know there are a ton of other things.

If we believe what we're taught, and I'm not sure what you believe, then your dad is in a much better place and he is happy. He wants nothing more than to see you and your family happy as well and for you to enjoy yourself while you are still here in this life. I hope you feel better soon...take it easy and I think that if you really don't want the suit to come over then you should tell him...

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger Osbasso said...

Funny--this is a side of you I'd forgotten about. My suggestion would be to embrace the season, since it brings back so many good memories. Go ahead and decorate. Do the festive things. Do the things you used to do. You might shed a tear or two, but you're also going to relive some very good times. You certainly wouldn't be disrespecting your father! Use the time to take care of yourself. By yourself. And with your family. You'll come out of it a better person, I think. Just my two cents...

 
At 11:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Greetings,
No jokes today. I agree with the Funky Bee. Your Dad would not want to see you this way. He might want to see you, your Mom & Sister, get together & help each other get through the Holidays without him. From my standpoint, I think you were lucky to have had a relationship with your Dad. My parents were divorced many Presidents ago (Nixon wasn't a crook yet!). I don't even remember a holiday with my Dad around. The way my Mom acts, you would think that she just filed for the divorce! Enough of that.
You may not really get into the Holiday Sprit this year, but on Christmas Eve, drink a toast to him, and talk about the good memories. Be thankful that the three of you are together & are lucky enough to have those memories.
Please, don't lump all guys into the "why bother, they're all alike" category. There are a few of us left that think with a functional brain (located in the cranium, not lower parts!) If I'm out of line, I apologize & I'll go back under my rock !

 
At 12:00 PM, Blogger Pixel said...

Let's see if we can plan some non-Christmas events this year. After realizing that no one cares if I decorate and that I have no one to celebrate with, I am nicely in a funnk. However, I blame your mood. Or is my mood affecting yours? Who knows.

 
At 1:12 PM, Blogger AMS said...

it will take time but things will eventually be ok, i promise:)

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger Sam said...

Ahhh... you've got the Christmas blues. That sucks. I vote for drinking yourself into a stupor. It's the most mature way to handle it. Or, if you have an ample supply of Rx drugs you can always medicate yourself into a stupor. I vote for heavy painkillers or quick-acting anti-anxiety meds myself.

On a more sensitive note, how about buying slippers and DVD's and donating them to a place like the Salvation Army or something. That way some father out there has warm feets and a movie to share with his family, in honor of your father.

 
At 2:18 PM, Blogger MollyNormal said...

Steph - did you ever write about your father's death? I am just curious. I understand the feeling of numbness that goes along with the holidays. It's like - why bother? I put up my treelike a robot. I never even turn the lights on or look at it at all. And I have no presents under it because I"m broke and Christmas sucks ASS and I want it to be over.

 
At 2:19 PM, Blogger katarina said...

Sometimes it's better to return to normal activities. You can get together and talk about the old times. You may even have a good time.
Paul is worth fighting for. You never know. He may feel the same as you do and is afraid to tell you because of your agreement. If he doesn't, you just lost a fuck buddy and you can start getting over him and move on.

 
At 2:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

=( Losing someone close to you is so very hard to deal with.

Ditch the suit. Don't bother wasting your time with him if you'd rather be with someone else. He's too anxious to jump into the long term thing. To me, that's usually a bad sign... too clingy.

 
At 6:36 PM, Anonymous as seen on tv stores said...

Hi Princess Steph...Wow! While I was searching for info on as seen on tv products I somehow found your page. Obviously I ended up a little off base, but I am certainly glad I stopped by for a read. While I am here, I just wanted to drop a quick note to comment your blog...now to move on and continue my search for as seen on tv products. Should you ever need it, there's lots of information on this site about as seen on tv products.

 
At 9:08 PM, Blogger A. Estella Sassypants said...

Everyone else has been much more eloquent than I am, so I'll just say loves and hugs.

 
At 10:10 PM, Blogger yournamehere said...

Steph, I have to echo what Andi said. Please know there's someone in Vegas who really cares about you.

 
At 2:48 AM, Blogger lala said...

The first year without my Dad was the toughest. We had a family tradition that Dad handed out the presents from under the Christmas tree and the first year without him we all sat down and waited for him to hand it out before realising a moment later that he wasn't there. It was tough, but it was so important to go through it and not avoid it. Go through it with your family there. They'll need you as much as you'll need them.

I'll be thinking of you. Keep writing about it and know that people care about you. I'm around if you ever want to talk. Just send me a note

 
At 5:34 AM, Blogger livinlife said...

It'd tough I know, lost my Dad on Christmas Eve several years ago. I still find myself thinking "Wait 'till I show(tell etc) Dad about this!" then it hits me. He's not here anymore. One thing that keeps me going is that I KNOW that he is approving of me and what I have done with my life since he died. It wasn't always like that but we made a real peace before he died and I can look myself in the eye and say that I said everything I needed to before he died. When he died I had a great relationship with him, something that we had struggled with for a number of years. He lives in your heart and always will...peace and Merry Christmas

 
At 10:04 AM, Blogger Princess Steph said...

thanks y'all, im sure i will move out of this funk soon.

molly, you can read about it but watch out, its not pleasant:

http://texasprincess28.blogspot.com/2005_05_01_texasprincess28_archive.html

 
At 12:19 PM, Blogger bunny said...

What you're writing about is a big part of what I felt last year, which was my first Christmas after my stepdad died. This year it's a little better. My mom's better for sure. But last year it was just grey. I feel for you and your family, but just know that the grieving process can take up to 18 mos. or more, and it will end.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home

http://sitetracker.com CLASS=ivanL_SI TARGET=_blank>FREE counter and Web statistics from sitetracker.com