Items of Note

"Sure Jesus could restore my physical and spiritual virginity, especially if I lost it to some rapist, but who wants that? I'm saving myself for marriage, and I'll use force if necessary." -Hilary Faye

Friday, July 29, 2005

Drama

While I was out on my fancy date last night there was drama, drama, drama within my circle of friends.

My ex-fiancé admitted to E that he had cheated on me with his 19 year old girlfriend. Big fucking surprise.

What he doesn't know is that I win.

It sounds like beer was flying and feelings were hurt.

All the while I was sitting at a table sipping a martini being adored.

Hmmmm... hardly seems fair.

Oh, and I think I agreed to a date with a neighbor last night.

Email I just got from my sister:

"The house is a zoo. Janet (dog) decided that it would be fun to attack Georgie (cat) around the cat food. It went flying. Just about that time the carpet people arrived. So, they're stacking bedroom furniture in the kitchen on top of cat food. Baby (cat) is helping them. Georgie is in hiding. Janet is in the bathroom barking her head off. Gracey (cat) is bored. I told him that I had ordered workmen for him, but I guess he is still too pissy over the other cats to enjoy them. A zoo, I tell you. I never asked to be the crazy cat lady. "

*sigh*

*sigh*

Last night was really great. I almost didn't go. I also tried to sabotage the whole thing by wearing something very sexy. It backfired. Apparently even good boys can enjoy cleavage.

I have no idea what I thought he would think.

Cuban Boy drunk dialed me at 1 am. Don't leave me a message telling me you have been calling non-stop for two weeks when you haven't. We all have caller id these days silly boy. It is also really bad to profess your love to somebody via voice mail, especially when they obviously are not interested.

That is all my sweets (we all know I'll be back later.)

Work calls.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Birthday time just got a lot more fun around here.

"You know I do believe that the meek will inherit the earth- but I say let 'em have it, what the fuck do we need with it anyway?"

My friend Charlie at lunch today explaining why it is ok that I am a little overbearing and loud at times.

And then he asked for his birthday fuck.

I didn't know that was a rule.

Good to know.

He tells me that he isn't drinking alone anymore. This is a VERY good thing. I am so proud of him.

(PS- there may have been a birthday flash - but thats as far as it went. You don't believe me do you?)

Yes it's true- I'm a nerd.

I went to dinner by myself and took this book along for the ride (please don't feel bad, I love dining alone with a good book!)

It tore my heart out and ripped it to shreds and left it on the floor.

That was just the first chapter.

At the end of said chapter I threw the book to the ground in disgust as I recoiled from what I just read. I then hastily picked it back up and apologized for my actions. I apologized to the book as if it were offended by my actions. I am such a freak.

Sena Jeter Naslund is one of the most descriptive and oddly captivating authors that I have ever encountered. I was smiling and nostalgic one moment, and pained the next.

What a ride!! I shall be obsessed until I read every word, which at this rate will be very soon. It's a good thing I read super fast.

Is it bad that I almost called in sick to work because I want to finish this today? I think it might be.

Zeusy the destroyer

Well here is my foot looking HUGE. I really don't have clown feet/legs - it's just not a good angle. Anywho- not exciting I know, but it will have to do! At least the dog looks happy.

The reason why he looks happy is because he had just completed the complete and total destruction of his favorite toy.

He lost his mind and tore his baby to shreds - and brought the squeaker to me as if to make an offering to repent for the 3 am squeakfest from the night before.

Very odd indeed. I was sure that none of my shoes were left within his reach when I left home this morning. he has never torn anything up before, I hope this is not a sign of things to come.

Enjoy all of the 1/2 nakedness today.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

A whole lotta sass......

This is funny as hell.

I just learned that I am not all that sassy after all.

So very me....

Wildly inappropriate comments that spewed forth from my mouth at happy hour last night:

“Well I would have fucked him anyway” – said as the waiter Al was walking by (of course I wasn’t paying attention.) He stopped, turned around and came back to the table and asked me if I would come to happy hour there every day. It’s been a long time since I have blushed so much. I fully expected to see his phone number on my credit card receipt.

“I simply couldn’t take the old man shirts, you know- the short sleeved ones that button up. Who in the world wears those?!?!?” - shouted loudly due to the volume of the music. You know who in the world wears them? The table of guys sitting next to us, that’s who. The looked distressed at the news that they were wearing old man shirts. Somebody had to tell them, but the sad part is I wasn’t even talking about them.

Last night was odd to say the least. Apparently even with my foot in my mouth all night the elderly crowd still found me attractive. At one point my co-workers threatened to beat down a table because two guys kept leaning back in their chairs directly behind me. Either I smelled really good and they kept wanting a whiff, or they were getting their picture taken with the back of my head. Creepy. One of them was wearing a sweat band on his head. Once again I ask ‘who in the world wears those???’ The sad part is I saw him in there last Thursday and he had a different sweat band on his head- apparently he has a collection. My coworker called me before I got there last night and said that I would never believe who was back. Of course I knew who she was talking about – I haven’t seen one of those things in like 15 years. Dead sexy.

I got some excellent work news at happy hour – cha-ching!!! Apparently I have been a very good girl.

I got home and took the puppy for a long walk and got a call from Non-IT boy. He was super charming and managed to make me feel bad about not calling him back. He gave me a hard time about not calling and it worked folks – the world has gone mad. I might have to watch this one. We have a real-live fancy date scheduled for Thursday. It’s been a while since I’ve been on a fancy date- I’m looking forward to it.

All in all it turned out to be a stellar night. Except for that dream I had about a killer baby. That was bad bad bad.

I guess I had better go try to earn my keep around here. Be good!

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

The Game

OK- we all like to say that we don't want to play those silly little love/dating/lust games, but when it comes right down to it I am uncomfortable when somebody breaks the rules and messes with the reality to which I have become accustomed.

In this case I am referring to the waiting a few days before calling when scoring somebody's digits. I do it, you have done it- everybody does it. Apparently Non-IT Boy does not do it. I just checked my cell and there sat a voice mail from him. I really didn't even want to listen to it to be honest with you. But I did, and there it was. He reminded me who he was (as if I had forgotten that quickly) and said that he was glad we met and to give him a call when I get a chance.

Things like this bring back flashes of my last two, no three 'relationships.' All three were VERY eager to spend time with me from day one. I will admit that I am a little gun shy when it comes to men these days- I'm not sure what I want out of a man right now beyond a good fuck. I do know that I don’t want to be smothered and I want to be able to go out with anybody I want. These are the things that the last three men tried to take away from me. I like being single – is that so wrong??

So here I am freaking about yet another man who wants to 'be' with me. E says I am sabotaging a potential dating partner due to my neurotic tendencies. I call it being proactive. Yeah, I get that if somebody wants to talk to me that they should be able to call when they want to, but it hasn’t been 24 hours even. My mind races with questions of what does he want, will he disapprove of my lifestyle, is he good in bed, will he let me change his name?

I tried to explain to E that this ‘breaking of the rules’ is exactly what I have seen her doing since she has been single and it is why she is having trouble keeping the boys she wants. Too much too soon.

Oh God- I’m not perfect. None of us are from what I understand.

Fuck. We're screwed.

Pussy cat

This little baby cat is the one that I rescued from the street the day after my father's funeral. My mom has adopted her and is spoiling her properly. I came into the living room on Saturday to find her nestled in my purse. She's the cutest thing ever. Her name is Spike.

My mom has the theory that my dad sent her as a distraction. Who knows.

Dude - I'm posting about kittens. There must be something seriously wrong with me today.

I had a dream last night that my father was on his death bed again - I had to listen to the labored breaths and incoherent speaking again. I called my mom 1st thing this morning and reminded her that we have a deal that she is to live another 50 years. She agreed.

Adam- it was great to hear from you again, if you don't call me to go out I will think you are a mean, mean boy. I'm just sayin'. I won't even push you to cheat this time (probably not anyway.)

Baby names

I went to a restaurant last night and had a few drinks at the bar. I ended up meeting these two guys that were sitting near me and hanging out with them for a while. One was obviously an IT guy based on the conversation before I joined in, the other I wasn't sure about. I was bored and interjected myself into the conversation - since it was obvious that neither one of them was going to make the first move, even though I could tell they wanted to.

As it turns out the IT was married and just had a baby (the pictures were whipped out almost immediately- too cute.) It's pretty sad that Mr. IT was the one who kept the conversation going - the other guy (the cute one) was soooooo shy!!! I am not bashing IT guys (cause I love you and your nerdy pointed little heads so much,) but you know it's bad when they are the smooth ones in a group. Non-IT eventually got the clue that I thought he was cute and asked if he could walk me out to my car when I got up to leave.

I was on the phone at one point and heard IT guy say to Non-IT guy "If you don't ask her out I will no longer be your friend." Awwwwww....

There are a few problems with Non-IT guy:
1. He has the WORST name I have ever heard. Seriously- he needs to change it ASAP. Apparently his parents were having a VERY bad day the day he was born. When he calls me I will approach the subject of what pet name he would like me to use...
2. He is a nanny. Is that odd? I think it might be. He appears to be my age.
3. He studied Theology* and at one point thought that is what he wanted to do with his life. Now I like the concept of somebody studying that- I do, but we are talking about somebody who wants to date me. We all know this sounds like a bad idea. I am corrupting by nature.
4. He is a homebody. I do not fall into that category 6 out of 7 days a week.
5. He lives in south Dallas and I do not.

That looks like enough reasons for me not to answer when he calls, but we all know I will. I dare-say he will not be another notch on my bedpost however.

Ewwwwww- what a boring post. Sorry my lovelies.

I learned that the bar I was at last night is one of the places where S (ex best friend/lover) hangs out. He was such a dick that I am thinking about doing something bad with that information. We shall see.

*He will now be Non-IT boy due to the hits I was getting today from people searching on Theo....

Monday, July 25, 2005

Bitch

So I'm walking in the door to work this morning pre-8 am and my administrative assistant gets on the elevator with me. I put my hands to my temples and she says "Are you ok?" and I said "Yes, I just have a headache." Her response? "That figures."

What the hell does that mean? That figures? Stupid bitch- I swear she is just asking to be fired.

Is it my fault that she is 10 years older than me and makes 1/4 of my pay? No- it's her fault.

Is it my fault that she has bad skin and a gaggle of kids? No- it's her fault.

I am so over her attitude. One more snarky comment like that and I will lose it.

Anyway..... I was referred to as 'the girls gone wild girl' by my neighbors Sunday morning. Oh God, what have I done? I guess we were acting a little silly Friday night before we left for the club. Their comment triggered the memory of some guys in the parking lot of my apartment asking if there was a party going on at my house and could they come over later. I think I might have said yes, but we didn't make it home until 4 am.

I don't want to be know as 'the girls gone wild girl' at the place where I live.

Oh well.

Bah- Monday's suck.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Oh yes, he sang it.

Holy shit, last night was crazy.

I went out with E and we hit a club that Vanilla fucking Ice happened to be playing and we had the best time ever.

That's right - Mr. VanWinkle himself was tearing up the stage- he has groupies y'all. Who would have thought?

We met some guys that bought us lots and lots of drinks and E wanted to bring them home with us but I didn't think either one was cute enough to waste one of my new fucks for the year (I have a system I will explain some time.) They owned a car lot together which I correctly
interpreted as "hey girls we sell used cars, isn't that sexy." No, it's not. Leave me alone.

We had hooked up with some random couple and they were telling me to 'take one for the team' because E wanted to get laid. I thought that concept only applied to guys. No thanks. I gave 'the Jasonmeister' a kiss at the end of the evening to thank him for the drinks. He couldn't have asked for more really. I just shook my head when he said "you aren't going to call me are you?" Of course I'm not. I didn't even hit save you silly boy.

The shitty camera phone picture on the right is E on stage with the Ice-man and a million other girls, shes the one in the middle. I went ahead and passed on the invitation to hang with Vanilla. I like my second-rate celebrity time to be one on one thank you very much.

The band that was on before the Non-chocolate Chilly rocked my world - they sounded like Everlast and the lead singer was hawt. :) Mmmmmmm....

PS- The band that was on before Ice was called Downlo - they seriously rocked!! Check out a snippet here: HERE

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Further proof

As if we needed more evidence that I am evil, every photo that I take of myself with my camera phone this morning looks fine on the screen but is distorted when I go to send it to email. I tested a photo of my keyboard and it came out clearly. WTF?

I took some great photos for HNT. I want to post them. Grrr.....

After a lame happy hour last night I went home and cleaned out my shoe closet. I gave 68 pairs of shoes to Goodwill. sixty fucking eight.

Oh- and to the man stealing from the drofoff point last night, you are going to hell. Who does that? You were in a $30k truck you dumb fuck.

Oh wait - I think this one worked. Yeah!!! Not my best, but it will have to do.

Please note my sparkly blue gemstone tongue ring that caused the nipple bleeding I mentioned last week, and the lovely not-so-clear necklace that I bought over the weekend.

Bye y'all!!

PS- if you scroll down a while I did post a picture of my boobs yesterday (sort of.) My boobs and my tongue - two very important body parts in two days....

One of those evil lists.

Friggin Polly tagged me with these questions:

1. What were three of the stupidest things you have done in your life? (Note: That I will admit to on my blog):
-Smoking cocaine in a car with a stranger in Austin (hands down the worst idea I've ever had.)
-Wasting 4 years being engaged to a man that made 1/3 the money I did at the time (and that was back before I made decent money.) I should have caught on when he gave me that Easy Bake Oven for Christmas one year. Fucking pathetic. The good news is when he left all he had to his name was his PS2 that I PAID FOR. Loser.
-Leaving my last cushy job to come to my current hellhole (said in the most loving tone possible.)
2. At the current moment, who has the most influence in your life?
I guess that would be me. Me and the ferries that talk to me while I pee. They have a lot of influence too.
3. If you were given a time machine that functioned, and you were allowed to only pick up five people to dine with, who would you pick?
-My Dad ‘cause I miss him and didn’t appreciate him enough these last few years.
-Dear Mr. Shakespeare (don’t even ask me why- I will cut you.)
-Bob Marley because I would love to hear his stuff live.
-Princess Grace of Monaco because I was obsessed with her in high school and read everything I could about her life.
-Elvis. Oh yes, I went there. I would have done him in a heartbeat (pre-fat and gross era of course.)

4. If you had three wishes that were not supernatural, what would they be?
-Charlie would stop trying to kill himself.
-My friends would treat me better (you little plans-canceling muthafuckers.)
-Money would never have to be an issue (ode to Gucci.)

5. Someone is visiting your hometown/place where you live at the moment. Name two things you regret your city not having, and two things people should avoid.
-What doesn’t Dallas/ Ft. Worth have? The Louver? No, our art rocks for the most part. I don’t know really.
-Highland Park police and driving around the DFW airport

6. Name one event that has changed your life.
-Father passing away. That and the cancellation of Fraggle Rock. That was hard to take too.

7. Tag 3 people. No- it is mean and I won’t do it. Well, since it is you Polly....
Shumpy
Yale to Jail (please come out of hiding Biki)
Katarina
(links to the right- I'm lazy, but you really must check them out. I meant NOW.)

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Actual item of note

Nevermind.

Where did all of my money go?

Me + Macys + $97.00 = 2 wicked shirts and a pair of jeans.

My shopping binge must be stopped. Take my debit card- please.

Happy hour tonight will make me very happy indeed.

I love you all, except for you. You I hate the most. You know who you are.

My inner porn star (we all knew I had it in me)

Your Porn Star Name is: Mary Muffmuncher


Princess

This is my Pretty Princess Pinker-bell asking my why I have to go back to work after lunch. Why mommie, why?

My babies make me feel so guilty.

Tell me again why I cannot lay on the couch all day with my puppy and kitty and have hot Cuban men (Polly please not I did not say man-boy this time) feed me grapes and whatnot?

That sounds like the perfect life for me. Let's make that happen, k?

Seriously Texas Bank- remove the hold on that insurance check deposit!!! I have things to buy, muhahahahahah. I think I will make a preview run over to Macy's right now. Oh- maybe Sephora. Yesssssss, that's it. I'm feeling a little tingly all over now.

The twins



This is my view as I look down today (I'm wearing a shirt and a sweater that ties if you can't figure out what's going on here.) Lunch with the boys I work with should be fun today.

Oh, and this might have to count as my HNT submission for tomorrow since I am considering taking the day off.

Enjoy.

Shopping high



I am on a shopping high. I went last night and got these shoes in black and pink. When I saw the 1/2 off sale it brought a little tear to my eye. Very odd for someone who is not much of a shopper.

To balance the girly aspect of my shoe obsession I went to the music store and got two Lords of Acid cds. I then made my way to the movie store and purchased Traffic, Blow and Once Upon a Time in Mexico.

I then went home and added my little gems to my shoe closet and stepped back and was startled at the realization that I am a shoe whore through and through. I have a problem and must be helped. Oh well.

I then headed out to purchase some cold frosty beverages to help me sleep. I cannot believe how far I have to drive to purchase beer. Those of you in Dallas - is Park and Greenville really the closest place to Addison to get beer after 9 pm? I will have to start buying in bulk if this is the case.

Snippets of lyrics from my new cds:

"My Music In Your Head, My Pictures Make You Wet, I Am Your Wildest Dream, Yes You Are So Obscene, You Are So Kinky And Obscene" Gimmie Gimmie, LOA


"I wanna see your pussy - everybody says it's nice Can I come and visit - I'll be at your house tonight They tell me it's soft to touch and really smooth I can hardly wait to feel that pussy too You wanna play with pussy all the time To hide that kinda pussy is a crime You say your pussy's clever and so slick But I think that your pussy's kinda sick " Pussy, LOA

Well then, have a wonderful day.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I just ordered This

Just for fun. Now I'm wishing I had ordered it in Lime Wedge... oh well.

But I'm gonna need somebody else to shell out for These

They ARE on sale after all. Black please.

I'm a good girl, yes I am

I was a good girl and stayed at home. No hair of the dog for this girl- oh no.

E tried to lure me out but I stayed strong, mostly because I was passed out on the couch by 7 pm and couldn't be bothered to get up and find my cell every time I heard it ring.

I did wake up a 10 and briefly considered going out at that point, but instead I threw on some clothes and took the doggie for a nice long walk. I may or may not have met a man on a motorcycle named Mike that was super sweet and loved my big silly puppy dog.

So that's all I've got.

I am being chastised by my eye doctor once again because over the weekend I lost one of my new contacts (the special expensive one) that I was supposed to be trying out. He really is mean. When I was in there last week he accused me of sleeping in my contacts, which I never do. I could see the doubt in his eyes. He then yelled at me (seriously) because I was not answering quickly enough to the "which is better 1 or 2" questions. He wheeled back his little stool and said "This test doesn't work if you say they look the same - they are different." Well they looked the same to me.

Worst post ever.

I would like to follow up that story by saying we had hot animalistic sex up against the counter after he yelled at me, but it simply isn't true. I don't think he has sex. I am going to believe he doesn't because not once did I catch him looking down my shirt. Or is it that my twins might be failing me? Please say it ain't so. If he only knew about my oral abilities. Heh. His loss.

Not to mention the money I funnel in to his office - my Gucci sunglasses came from him (I must admit they practically give me orgasms every time I slip them on. Mmmmmmmm, Gucci.)

I'm gonna go now. Try not to miss me too much, for you know I will be back this afternoon.

Monday, July 18, 2005

A story for you.

So this one time I think I dated a terrorist. Seriously.

He made me call him Abe but that was not the name on his license. He was from Lebanon and owned/flew planes and owned several gas stations over the course of the 4 years we ‘dated’ on and off. He lived a very extravagant lifestyle – a new luxury car every year, professionally decorated apartment, unlimited supply of Ecstasy- always paid cash for everything.

He looked like a smaller version of Vin Diesel. Very hot. Had the accent thing going on too. Mmmmmmmm...... the problem was I was never ever to ask him about work or anything personal for that matter. Never.

Every aspect of our relationship was on his terms – he called me, I didn’t call him. Pretty fucking degrading now that I think about the way things were, but I was young and foolish. I have only taken Ecstasy with him, and one time I thought I took too much and he refused to take me to the hospital.

He would periodically take me to his house and there would be some random guy sleeping on his couch – I was not allowed to speak to them, he made sure of that. He always told me they were flight students who had just arrived to America that were looking for a place to live.

There was a period of time when I did not hear from him for about six months (which wasn't terribly odd), and then one day he called me at work and asked if I would come pick him up in some random city. I did, of course, and he emerged from a gas station with a single black bag that contained all of his worldly possessions and a lame story about getting ripped off. He asked me to borrow money for a bus ticket and the next day I watched him board a bus and head on his way to San Francisco to start a new life.

Fast forward two months later and I get a call from him – he’s back in town and wants me to come see him. Once again he has a luxury apartment and a fat daddy Lexus and is ready to party again. He never said a word about San Francisco other than it was a really long bus ride and was beautiful. He then tells me that he needs to stay in the country and he wants to get married – on paper only of course. There was $50,000 in it for my trouble, all I had to do was go to the attorney with him.

At that point I caught on that things were really, really wrong. I told him I would think about it and went home.

That conversation happened in August 2001. I never heard from him again.

So that’s my story – I never quite knew what to think about all of that. So he is now known as “terrorist boy” to all of my friends.

The odd thing is I still think about him all the time.

Random bullshit

Who in the hell told Michelle Branch that she can sing? Seriously. Stop it right now.

My core group of friends planned a trip to Jamaica and are taking my ex-fiancé and his underage girlfriend with them. Now they did ask me to go first, but I still think it is bullshit. He still owes me hundreds of dollars from running up my credit card bills, he doesn't deserve a trip. Fuck 'em, I'm going to the Swiss Alps in the Fall.

Speaking of money the bank put a hold on the insurance check that I deposited from my Dad's estate. It sucks to open your online banking and see lots of money there but showing 'not available.' Visa and Mastercard- I swear the checks are in the mail (ok- not yet, but soon.)

I showed 3 people my nipples last night due to a discussion on how small they were relative to the rest of my breasts. Two had seen them before.

Cuban Boy called me again this weekend. He still hasn't gotten the message that he screwed everything up. I do miss fucking him though.

I had a full bottle of Patron (mmmmm) and a bottle of Kettle One (yesssss....) when the weekend started - now I have nothing.

I discovered that the convenience stores do not sell beer in my city. Now I know that moving was a big mistake - how could I have overlooked this while apartment shopping? Very, very sad.

Having a hangover makes my body freak out and demand crazy junk food in return for promising not to vomit (which I HATE to do.) So far today I have consumed a muffin, Taco Bell food (bean burrito no onions and a taco) and now I just ate a Twix stick. I'll no doubt eat its twin before the day is done. Sounds yummy, no? Yeah - the thought makes me sick as well.

Who in the world decided that it would be a good idea for me to go out last night and close the bars down and drink until I couldn't see straight?

Oh yeah- I think that was me.

Head hurts- my boss caught me coming in the door and hasn't stopped since and it's only 8:22 in the morning.

I might puke here at my desk. That would be nice.

Deadline? What deadline?

Maybe water will help. Water and sleep- now that would be nice. Not a chance of leaving early- I don't know why I thought I would be able to last night.

More later if I don't die at my desk at some point today.

By the way my top lip is bruised - black and blue- sex injury. Yum.

Later (10 am):

My admin is trying to be nice and I don't know why. She is VERY chipper and I don't like it one bit. We had a 'talk' on Friday about her attitude- could she be working on it? Interesting. Maybe she found a new job- now that would be fantastic.

I left my money/debit card/drivers license in my jeans pocket last night/this morning and I really need some food so I had to borrow money from a co-worker. The 1/4 of a muffin I managed choke down helped and i now don't think I will die at my desk. This is a good thing.

I got a new shirt this weekend and it is the best money I ever spent and I will be going back to get one in every color because I had a drag queen tell me that my 'girls' looked fanfuckingtastic and I believe the shirt was the reason why the gay bartender didn't make me pay for my drinks. I played air hockey with a friend and we drew a crowd. At a gay bar. Quite a shirt indeed.

I would love to post the pics from last night but they are on "Sweet Pea's" camera phone and he doesn't know how to send them. Loser. Some of the best pics I have ever seen of myself and I don't have access.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Where is my FUCKING plastic knife!?!?!?!?!

I need my plastic knife RIGHT NOW.

Somebody bring me a shot (and a new job.)

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Pussies


I put in a work order to get my garbage disposal fixed and the maintenance workers won't go in my apartment because they are afraid of my dog. Pussies.

Here is the big menace himself.

Grrrrrrrrr......

He loves everybody. Now I get to lock him up tomorrow. That will go over well.

Insane in the membrane

I think there is some sort of conspiracy here at work to kill me off by slowly driving me to the brink of insanity.

Muhahahahaha. Don't they know I'm already insane?

It begins with the world's worst administrative assistant and ends with cryptic messages from my CFO. Life = not so fun right now.

When I left here at 7:30 last night my boss said "I'll see you in the morning."

All I could do was cackle and think "Can one cut their own head off with a plastic knife?" It's just too much effort to find the box of kitchen utensils to do it properly.

So here I am writing this in light of the looming 3 pm deadline I am facing. I have literally kicked two people out of my office so far today and it is only 1 pm. One of them was my work nemesis. He just called me again and said "Hey there - it's your best friend." Damn him and his Armani suits and his good smelling self. He gets to drive a BMW 7 - I don't have a BMW 7, why should he get one?

Fuck 'em. I'm gonna go sell guns at Wal-Mart.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Perfection? I think so.

That's my boy in the shower. We would make such pretty babies together.

There is a God and she loves me very much apparently.

Thanks to the reader who sent me this picture - I shall be forever grateful.

OMG just look at him.

Free at last..

I am open to being linked to if you so desire (and you had better so desire lest I hunt you down and do very, very bad things to you...)

:)

Fun with text messages

Here are some of the text messages I've received/sent in the last few days

1. Good luck 2day- remember to put 'gives good head' on your resume
2. Who do we throw rocks at? BOYS! Why do we do it? THEY ARE DUMB! When do we do it? EVERY TIME WE SEE THEIR STUPID FACES!
3. Hey hottie
4. Where is my spy camera lady
5. Life is like a dick: When it gets hard fuck it
6. Ha - I just made you spend 10 cents on 3 letters. I rule, Stephs drool
7. O fuck it feels so fucking good

So there you have it. Nothing going on here - move along.

If anything exciting happens you will be the first to know- of this you can be sure.

I love you all - except for you; you I hate. You know who you are.

Muhahahahahaha

;)

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Gimmie some head.

So I had to go to a head shop yesterday. Of course it would have helped if I had actually known where it was - but noooooo I can find anything on my own 'cause I'm cool like that.

I ended up asking directions not once, not twice but three times from strangers. One lovely car full 'o boys offered to escort me there personally - I politely declined. Going to shops of this nature always make me nervous, 'specially if I'm buying something that might lead a police officer to believe that I might be up to something sinister. Moi? "But people tell me all the time how I look so sweet and innocent Officer - my what a big gun you have."

This trip actually was to purchase a gift, but due to the nature of the gift I went ahead and bought something for myself that would surely distract any officer that might be looking through my packages for whatever reason. Let's just say I won't be missing Cuban Boy for a while. Very exciting stuff.

Back to the gift - I may be a tad bit naive when it comes to drug paraphernalia - as the guy was checking me out he said "Now of course you know that this one is edible - just be sure you chew it up very well."

Huh?? But it is glass?!?!?!? I've always been told that you can't eat glass.....

Maybe I was just confused by his words- maybe he was high. I have not hooked my computer up at the new house yet and there is no way in hell I’m gonna go looking up that information here at work. Somebody please explain.

Email to E....

Why o why must I work?? I’m pretty sure that I am supposed to be sitting on a beach somewhere being fed grapes by a scantily clad young Brazilian man/boy. Yes, of this I am sure. I was going to say being fed bon-bon’s but I am really not sure what a bon-bon is to be honest with you. To make this the perfect fantasy perhaps instead of the Brazilian man-boy I should insert Vin Diesel and replace the ‘scantily clad’ part with entirely naked. Yes I think I shall.

So I really think we need to work on this whole why are boys so stupid question. Do they not have brains in those pretty little heads of theirs? I hear this rumor that some boys really do have brains but I have yet to see any evidence therein. Oh to be a ‘thespian’ would seem the answer, but to answer your statement from the other day “yes it is really all about the big dicks.” Damn them and their tempting body parts. Damn them all.

I am working through exactly how to get out of this week’s impending date with Cuban Boy (now known as Hell Boy who can’t keep a secret.) Since we are not supposed to know that he is a loser who can’t keep his mouth shut I guess I will just be very busy all week. Hopefully he will get the message, he ‘prolly won’t though. I hope he doesn’t just show up at my door one night. That would be bad. I should ask him for reimbursement for the jumbo pack of condoms that I bought just yesterday afternoon. Those fancy flavored ones are not cheap!

Speaking of Vin Diesel I was thinking that we need to produce a new reality show where we get celebrities together simply to see what happens when they procreate. See the benefit is two fold – there would be the revenue from the act of copulation side of the project (i.e. pron) and then the resulting offspring and their network reality show potential. I would make the first project involve Vin (I love him so much) and Andi McDowell (who you well know I hate and think is the worst actress ever.) I can only imagine the new levels of bad acting the two of them could produce. I’m sure she would be up for it – all she’s doing is hawking hair color products I think. She could make room in her schedule to fuck Vin don’t you think? Only after I am done with him.

You think about my suggestion and get back to me.

Later lover. (Hehe – I thought you would like that you big thespian.)

Confessions

Here are some entries from www.notproud.com that I thought were interesting.

07/11/2005 at 01:50:20
Gosh I just wish I can bend you over my turntables and give it to you hard as the records spins. I can't stop jerkin off thinking of it. I would marry you if you did that.

07/11/2005 at 01:08:46
I can't stop thinking about her.

07/07/2005 at 10:02:43
I did coke again yesterday. Fuck! There goes a year and 4 months!

07/06/2005 at 22:17:34
Today I ate a quart of potato salad from wal-mart. Then I ate six mini chocolate donuts and two snickers. Then I got a large vanilla milkshake at sonic. Right now I'm eating a medium meat lover's pizza from pizza hut.

07/06/2005 at 20:32:49
I say I'll give money to charity after I'm a famous model, but that is complete bullshit. It's my money, I want all of it. Screw starving kids.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Help me

I need a hot tub and a Valium stat.

It hurts to type and I am struggling to hold my head up.

I made somebody's nipple bleed this weekend. It was an accident (sort of.) Don't ever say "do it harder" if you don't really mean it.

How can it possibly be Monday already? Somebody please explain (actually don't.)

I officially get to pay off all of my credit card debts today. Thanks Dad.

My work nemesis came by my desk while I was at lunch (he left a Post-It saying 'call me.") My Post-It pad was laying right next to two lists I made this morning - 1. All credit card names and associated balances 2. Shopping list that included condoms and bleach among other things. I bet he looked.

How cool is it that I have a work nemesis? I posted about him on my old site- it is gone now and I don't care to re-hash the story.

Good day.

(Inspired was it not?)

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

"When the tire blew out on Gary's car, he and Bob got out and fixed it. But, they had only driven a few miles when another tire blew out. "Well, I guess I'm the blowout king" said Gary. Bob tried to smile, but it was hard. He had always thought of himself as the blowout king."

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now."

Jack Handey

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