Cute but Psycho (no not me silly!)

So Army Boy just might fit into the cute but psycho category.

OK so there is no 'might' about it. The boy is crazy (and not in a good way like me.)

I overlooked the 4 calls a day, I did.

I overlooked the repeated questions about what I'm looking for in a man (that would be a big dick.)

I even overlooked the badbadbad sexual innuendos and pretended like I 'didn't get it.'

The proverbial nail in the coffin was the voicemail and subsequent call we had last night.

Voice mail: "Hey gorgeous I had a really bad day and need to talk to you as soon as possible. It's important."

OK- so I'm thinking his mom died or he was in a car wreck, I felt bad for him and called him back (when it was convenient for me of course, 2 hours later.)

He launches into this diatribe about some other girl and how he was supposed to have a 1st date with her last night and at the last minute she sent him a text message saying she was getting back with her ex and cancelled (I've totally used that excuse before.)

My first thought was damn, how many cell phone minutes does this man have? I mean really, if he calls me all the time and he calls her all the time it must really add up.

Anywho - the deal was they met online (yikes!) and had been talking for a while, but had never met in person. He then told me that he sent her flowers to her work on Monday. WHAT? They hadn't even met yet - what the hell?

But wait - there's more.

He then tells me that he went up to her work to confront her (because that's the rational thing to do) after she cancelled.

Oh dear God. How in the hell do I find the psycho ones? How can so many people I meet be crazy?

Please remember that we have a first date scheduled for tomorrow (we met in a club a few weekends back for those of you who smoke pot and don't remember.) If I am not back on Friday please say a prayer for my hacked up body that will be in the first stages of decomposition in some guy's freezer.

Yes I am going to go - at the end of the evening I will let him know that I didn't feel any spark and it is best that he keeps looking. I'm hoping this keeps me from having to change my cell number.

We will meet in a public place and I will not get in the car with him. As a matter of fact I will try my best to have somebody I know just 'happen' to be eating dinner at the same place at the same time.

He doesn't know my last name, he doesn't know where I live or work, so fret not my pretties.

In other news Cuban Boy asked me to go camping this weekend. Now we all know that I am pretty booked up, but I said MAYBE to Sunday night. Then somebody told me there would be snakes and spiders out in the woods so I am going to cancel. If he were to counter offer with a nice hotel I would reconsider. Muhahahaha.

Boys make my head hurt.

wasting your time (once again)

"So what you're telling me E is that you are obsessed with dogs and sleeping with me?"

My response to her telling me about a few dreams she's had lately.

The problem is that I said this while sitting at my desk at work - I wonder how many people heard me and what they thought I was talking about.

Muhahahahahahaha.

I want to go to one of the bars that EB has taken me to lately later tonight but I don't want to run into him there. I'm considering chatting up the Eriq LaSalle look-alike from Saturday night. Why not? Hehe - I see he was in Coming to America. Who knew?

Muthafucka

Fun with e-mail:

Dear Jason-

Can you confirm the MIP percentage for the position I was recently offered on *** **** team? The offer letter I picked up from Brittni shows a 5% payout, and my records indicate that I was offered a 10% annual bonus eligibility.

Thanks

Do not mess with my money people. Did they think I would not notice?

I sucked a lot of dick to get where I am.... (kidding, kidding. It was hardly any at all.)

So I came to the stunning realization that I have a 3.5 day weekend coming up. E, did you know about this? Why was I not informed? This will make me realign all plans after Thursday. Why don't we make the guys on Saturday's agenda take us to Shreveport? I mean ask, not make.

Also, can I call Courtney of Bedford (as opposed to Courtney of Valley Ranch?) I think the time has come. I talked to Glen about it (yes I let him back in my house but he acted mostly normal) but I don't wanna play with him.

That is all.

Pickin' up men...

Date with Electrician Boy (EB) was fun last night. I managed to get the card of the man sitting next to me - he seems like he would be a good catch for somebody. I wonder if my date thought it was odd I was telling a stranger that he was attractive and I wanted him to go out with us this weekend. I wouldn't have liked it too much had he done it to me.

They both liked my "I taught your girlfriend that thing you like" t-shirt. Imagine that.

When we went to leave the bartender gave us her number and said that she wants to go out with us some time. I guess we looked like we were having a good time. She was super cool- I'm going to snatch that number from him Wednesday and invite her to go out with the girls this weekend.

I have a busy week coming up:
Tuesday- I rest (might invite tall boy over, you never know)
Wednesday- date with EB (perhaps- I might cancel just because)
Thursday- first date with Army boy (which is amazing considering he calls me four times a day)
Friday- Girls night out with E and the gang
Saturday- outing with EB, the guy from the bar last night and E
Sunday- who knows...

So that's it. EB is hot hot hot and he knows it (but not in a bad way.) He is also a fantastic kisser- our tongue rings clink together which is kind of funny. He also says he doesn't believe in love, that I like.

OK - y'all be good.

Oh- and go donate blood and/or money to the Red Cross now please. Your doing so might help me make my decision on posting that nipple picture from last weekend.....

OMG

How can I not adopt this baby?????


She's at a city shelter.

Hands off bitches - shes mine.

Shelter dogs rule.

Somebody offered my $1,000 for my Siberian Husky (shelter dog) on Saturday.

What kind of person would have said yes? (Ok some days he's an asshole and I would have been tempted)

Who's your sugar mama?

I am.

Hey E, who is the best friend ever? Hmmmm?

I just ordered this for you...

Rarrrrrrr.....

'Cause I'm cool like that.

Search me.

You will all be proud to know that I am #2 when one searches lesbian eating pussy on technorati.com, #5 for just plain old lesbian pussy (neither plain nor old.)

This blog apparently also pops up when you search Steph Meth on MSN. #3 baby.

Way better than impregnate me don't you think?

Muhahahaha.

"Can I get... any of you cunts... a drink?" -Ed

I had to send Shaun of the Dead back to Blockbuster Online today - and now I am sad. I think I shall marry Simon Pegg (Shaun.) Do any of you cunts have a problem with that?

Dammit, I see he is already married. That's ok, I'm better suited for the life as a mistress anyway. Can one of you let him know I am waiting for him over here?

Thanks.

The weekend

Things I'm used to hearing on a 1st date:

You look nice...
Yes, I am originally from here
Thanks for coming out with me
Etc.

Things I'm NOT used to hearing on a 1st date:
I can't wait to draw you naked
I'm really looking forward to eating your pussy
Here, let me give you a little something for the road (illegal and dangerous)

OK then. The date itself was actually good. I did have to call Electrician Boy and move it from Friday night and upgraded him to Saturday night due to Cuban Boy's needy nature. Come to think of it Friday night's date was pretty darn good as well.

Who would have thought? Two good dates in one weekend... that usually doesn't happen to me.

OK- so Cuban Boy first. We went out to dinner for his birthday, to the liquor store where he purchased my favorite champagne and we headed over to one of my male friend's house to pick him up to go out with us (which I thought was super cool of Cuban Boy.) The three of us spent some time at an Irish Pub in Fort Worth (Shamrock Pub- cleanest restrooms you will ever find in a bar!) We talked about cars and why I am still single (I was not really a part of that conversation because I was at the bar trying to pay two men $1 to kiss each other, but that's another story) and had a nice relaxing time.

We dropped Eric off and headed back to my apartment where we proceeded to have the best sex of our lives. Seriously. I almost cried. I don't cry. Crap.

Moving on to Electrician Boy.

We met at a bar where I had never been - it was a way cool dive bar that I will definitely go back to. Before he got there I met a boy who looks exactly like Eric LaSalle - yummy. I was good and didn't give him my number (but I bet I will at some point.) He got there and we ended up staying at that bar for several hours - until my emergency call came through at 10 (I wanted to go out with the girls Saturday night too - there just wasn't enough time in the day!) I felt a little bad about leaving him so early - he definitely has the charming thing down. Oh, and he looked like the Incredible Hulk with the way he was about to bust out of his shirt. Rarrrrrrr.

He called me on Sunday afternoon to see if everything was ok with my 'emergency' situation (you boys DO know that we do that, right?) He invited me over for a steak and a little poolside action, but I declined.

Gah - this is getting long.

Rundown of my phone activity Saturday night/Sunday morning:
9:57 pm - Cuban Boy calls - he knows that I am on a date but can I call him when I'm done because he misses me (gag)
10:04 pm- E calls with 'emergency' and let's me know where she is meeting Courtney
10:17 pm - Courtney calls as backup 'emergency'- says to hurry
10:47 pm - Army Boy calls - just wanted to say hi, just got off of work
11:59 pm - Army Boy calls - going to bar, can I join?
1:04 am - E calls, is lost leaving the club (we left early due to the abundance of old people there)
1:09 am - Text message from E- something about being a lesbian
1:30 am - I call Army Boy back- he has a little buzz and is more forward than he has ever been - he asked me what I wear to bed and insinuated that he was going to masturbate (shocking!! Ha!! he's such a lightweight)
2:54 am - Tall Boy called - he just got home from the club and wants to come over - the answer was no

The grand prize goes to Electrician Boy who called at 4:47 am. to make sure everything was ok. I was dead asleep and threw the phone across the room.

So that's about it. I will need to address the great sex with Cuban Boy at some point this week. It makes me terribly uncomfortable that he is so fucking awesome in bed. Damn him. E says its because he cares so much- uggggg. We shall see.

Ya'll have a good Monday. I need some down time.

I love you all

But I have to turn on the comment word verification lest I tear my hair out by the roots in dealing with the deletion of the spam bastards.

MuthaFuckers.

Oh, and for those of you who keep getting here by searching 'impregnate me' - good luck with all of that. Sex away my friends. (I erased the adoption portion of this comment because this blog had already gone to shit enough today.)

Gawd - please don't leave me, I promise to misbehave this weekend and talk about it on Monday. ;)

I just agreed to hang with Cuban Boy tonight, forgetting that I had a date planned with the electrician with the Adonis body.

Crap crap crap.

Last night

A few Items of Note from last night...

First and foremost we all know I am a car girl, right? I like 'em, I know a little about 'em. Show me a luxury/exotic and I will damn near swoon.

Incidentally I saw one of these last night on my way to the bar. One of the only perks to living in North Dallas.


Anywho- so I go to have dinner at a semi-nice restaurant and this prick ends up sitting beside me and begins chatting me up. I am sooooooo not interested as he tells me he's in the 'music business.' Gag. So we get to talking about cars and he says that he gets a lot of tickets because his car is so fast and I naturally ask what he has. His response - a Lamborghini. OK slick- show it to me since you were unable to answer my basic model/spec questions that followed. I guess he thought I was an idiot because he points to an Acura NSX outside.

Seriously - I know the difference between a $ 80k car and a $350k car. Come come now. I was brutal. He deserved it. There is nothing wrong with owning the NSX (when you overlook the OBVIOUS need for a redesign- how many years has it been?) Why did he feel the need to lie? Whatever idiot.

I just became that much hotter to some of you boys huh?? I lost a lot of you girls too. :( Dammit.

OK- moving on.

The only other mentionables are that at the bar I hit afterwards had a one armed man (I sat next to him but we didn't talk) and an old Chinese guy who was wearing amber colored glasses in the dark. Now that is pimpin'. No seriously, I think he was a pimp. He said hi to me and I scurried away- no pimp for me thankyouverymuch.

Oh, and my Army boy is sweet. Damn him.

That is all- worst post ever. I will try to do better next time.

Men

Boobie pics are down the page, but you might want to read this too......

Hey E - I talked to Tall Boy last night and come to find out we took all of the wonder out of life for him. He has now acheived his ultimate goal and now has nothing to work towards going forward.

He feels that he is officially 'the man.' After seeing the look on the face of his 20 year old cousion he had with him when we shared detailed stories just for fun, I think he just might be. Oh, and Marcus has been informed.

Also you will be interested to know that he spent the entire day sitting in his car basking in awe after he left. Is that what they call it these days, basking? :)

Muhahahahahaha.

He stayed a while last night and we relived the glory day a few times (after we kicked his young cousion out you sickos.)

Also I received a call from my Army Boy (not to be confused with yours) and he told me he called because he can't stop thinking about me. Bah - stop it right now I say. He is dead to me.

I also might have agreed to a date with Electrician Man with The Body for Friday night - but I think I already have plans (do I?)

Men.

and here you go...

OK E you knew it had to be done- one of those pics from Saturday was going to make it on here, but at least I did have the decency to put this one instead of the other. I thought it best to keep nipples/tongues off of here (for now.)

So how did this come about you ask? It was a result of the following text conversation:

S: Im bored
Me: sorry cant help, n bed naked with E
S: Send pix
Me: K

So here you have it. A crappy picture from a crappy camera phone. We were attempting to get as many girl hands in it as possible, but one had to be taking the picture, so here you go.

So ummmm yeah. Hooray for boobies.

See Os over there on the sidebar if you want to know why the hell I'm doing this.....

And one for good measure....

Dear Crate & Barrel-

"You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar
When I met you
I picked you out, I shook you up, and turned you around
Turned you into someone new
Now five years later on you've got the world at your feet
Success has been so easy for you
But don't forget it's me who put you where you are now
And I can put you back down too"

Never ever be out of stock of something that I want. Never again.

I made you who you are and I CAN put you back down too.

(Note- these are idle threats- I still luv you the mostest.)

*Kisses*

~~Princess


So I did a very bad thing and I left work to do some shopping around 3 pm. I picked up my keys and walked out the door like I was going to walk over to Starfucks (as if) or something innocent like that.

Instead I hopped behind the wheel of my Jeep and hit Crate & Barrel (remember, the mostest I said,) Pier One (where I knocked something over with my non-existent behind,) the Diamond Shamrock for $50 worth of gas and good old McDonalds to top things off.

The run down:
1 stainless steel strainer (fucking $20)
1 spoon rest (who charges $15 for a spoon rest?)
2 candles
a couple of gallons of gas for my $50
6 chicken nuggets (mmmmm)
2 Mormon Boys (I was polite and resisted the urge to flash, but we did have a nice litle dicussion as they tried not to look at my boobs)

I am evil and must be stopped.

Gawd I need to get laid.

Rarrrrrrrrrrr

I guy from the 25th floor asked me out on the elevator. Only fancy people get let on to the 25th floor in this building.

He told me he thought it was cute the way I pulled my mess of blonde curls back with a paperclip. I bet he was imgaining what it would look like to look down and see... oh nevermind.

Shoot- I already forgot his name. He will be by to find me later. Rarrrrrrrrr.

I shouldn't be allowed to blog today- I'm feeling rather bawdy.

Letters

Dear co-worker with the hideous perfume,

Hi there - how are you? Me? Oh I'm fine thanks.

Yeah, so I was just wondering if you could possibly discontinue wearing that heinous 'scent' that I have been dealing with for the past year? I have been nice to you- I have. However when I walked into the ladies restroom this morning and was assaulted by the WORST smell ever known to exist, I decided it was time to broach the subject.

See, here's what I'm thinking. If one does walk into a restroom and feels violated enough to gag and turn around and run despite the fact that her knees have been clenched together for the past half hour, the offender should probably be poo. Seriously, your perfume should not outperform feces when it comes to clearing out restrooms.

My lungs- they burn like I sipped a little Drain-o with my morning moo juice.

I had to have a conversation with a stranger in the hall -we all know how I don't like to talk to people- but I HAD to let her know that smell in no way was connected to me. She thought I was crazy until I saw her running past me all wild-eyed, clenching her throat as if attempting to kill herself. She understood.

In closing I would like you to come by my desk (after you go downstairs and into the gym and take a shower) and we can discuss some alternative solutions to your poor taste problems.

Thankyouverymuch-
~~Princess


Dear E,

I don't want to take one for the team. Cuban Boy will move on soon and stop calling you I promise. Either that or you will kill him in a fit of rage - I swear I will be a character witness for you at the trial. And I will wear a low cut shirt on the witness stand - that should do it.

I promise next time I date one of your friends I will withhold all blow jobs, as we have discussed this is the only possible solution to why all the men I date are insane.

Thankyouverymuch-
~~Princess

Help

I need each of you to suggest 5 movies to add to my Blockbuster queue.

New or old, mainstream or obscure.

I don't really do horror unless you are willing to come sit up with me all night to work through the nightmares I will have.

I have lived in a hole my entire life and you would be shocked at the movies I haven't seen. Star Wars you say? No- I haven't seen one of them. All of those Brat Pack movies from the 80-'s? Nope. Indiana Jones, The Godfather, Forrest Gump - who was in those? OK, so I know who was in them, but I still haven't seen 'em.

I know, I know.

Since I am not going to get cable I thought I would do some catching up in my spare time.

Things I've learned in the last 2 days....

1. Never eat a huge portion of spaghetti and then attempt to go jogging 10 minutes later. It will not make you feel better, as a matter of fact it will make you vomit on the sidewalk as some random taxi driver honks at you because regurgitating food is sexy.

2. Do not think that it is a good idea to have chocolate milk and a cesar salad for breakfast. It is not.

3. If you have taken sleeping pills do not sleep on the couch in the living room because it will make it difficult to ignore the boy(s) knocking on your door at midnight. Said boys will get their asses kicked when I get home from work.

4. The grocery store is evil. It is no wonder last night was only the second time I have been in one since I moved into my apartment July 1. All grocery shopping should be done at 7-11 at 4 am. I blame Army Boy for not providing my dinner therefore forcing me to mingle with commoners. There are people there Army Boy- people that I didn't want to talk to dammit.

5. Too much of a good thing can be badbadbad. You need no details at this time.

Interesting

He canceled our date tonight citing a 'family emergency.'

Very interesting indeed. It saved me the trouble of calling and canceling. ;)

He was quite contrite.

I'm free tonight, who wants to take me out?

Blah.

I have a date tonight with Army Boy and I don't want to go. Why do I get like this?

I had to tell Cuban Boy that we were just friends AGAIN last night. He made me the equivilant of a mixed tape this weekend - songs that remind him of me. Gag.

My neck hurts- boy does it have one hell of a reason.

Damn, I didn't even get a chance to put on the wedding dress this weekend. That sucks.

Two quotes that E missed on her list...

"She deserves a spork to the eye" and "Wanna be whores will never understand."

That is all. You are dismissed for now.

A little bit of something for everyone

except for the two men who thought they deserved to fuck us.

Go HERE for a list of quotes from this weekend.

The weekend was filled with alcohol, threesomes and a lot of confusion. I need today to recover.

Also to that reader who may or may not have received a picture or two via E's camera phone, please do not share, k? Thanks.

*Edit - you simply must know that I did spend all of Friday night with Cuban Boy and Tall Boy. Who else could pull of sleeping in the bed with one of them until he fell asleep and then getting up and switching to the couch to cuddle with the other for the rest of the night? Perhaps I really am the evil white girl....

Meh.

Last night was just ok.

Happy hour with the coworkers blew a dirty hobo's cock.

Ewwww- that was for you Polly. At least I got free Flirtinis out of the deal.

Then I met up with E and her coworkers and heard the following....

"Steph I'm not a lesbian or anything, but I am memorized by your breasts in that shirt."

Haha - she was looking at my boobies. Kat you silly lesbo (come over at 8, I'll be waiting.)

Text message conversation from last night:

Me: I would rather watch tennis than talk 2 the guy next 2 me - thats sad cause i hate tennis
Stone: Just smile and nod
Me: Fuck that - smile and throw punches
Stone: Drink more

That about sums up the evening.

Anthony came over late with another guy who lives in my apartments. I wasn't drunk but I was having a terrible time understanding some of the things they were saying- they said they were going to teach me Ebonics if it's the last thing they do.

At one point boy B ('cause I can't remember his name) told me that he thinks I should have my first experience with two black men - I just blank stared him for a minute and said "My 1st huh?" Hehe.

After I informed him that would not be fucking him/them he tried to act like he wasn't asking. Huh? That is where my confusion set it. Whatever.

While they were sitting there discussing my breasts I answered a call from Rapahel and accepted his invitation to dinner Monday night. Why not - free food can't be a bad thing, right?

When I finally kicked them out and got to bed Cuban Boy called to 'chat.' He said that he didn't want to freak me out but he had to know if I am seeing anybody else. I could not have been any clearer about that last weekend, but again I told him that I am seeing SEVERAL other people, and if it bothers him then he needs to move on.

Stupid boys.

Oh, hey E - you are so far out of the Tool's league that I don't think you are even on the same planet. He must be eliminated - you are far too hot for him to see naked. Actually Cuban Boy is bringing somebody by for you to check out tonight - I will try to screen him for ya to avoid any John-esque situations.

One of those silly lists we all hate

1) What was I doing 10 years ago? I had just graduated high school and I was working for a newspaper as a graphic artist. I was still a virgin and was TRYING to be a good girl.

2) What was I doing 5 years ago? I dropped the good girl act and was thoroughly enjoying my early/mid 20’s. I was just beginning my exploration into the world of Finance and was enjoying making good money for the first time in my life. I was also just beginning to date the man I would eventually become engaged to (gag).

3) What was I doing yesterday? If you will refer to this morning’s post you will see all the hilarity that ensued. OK, so I hung out with the tall boys in my apartment and turned Cuban Boy away. We consumed shots and they consumed illegal materials while I watched shaking my head.

4) What was I doing today? Spending my time answering these questions (note I fought the strong urge to say wasted.) I am currently trying decide which of the three commitments I made for tonight to follow through with. Oh, and I further secured my future success by wearing a somewhat low cut shirt to my job interview.

5) 5 snacks I enjoy: Pickles, tomatoes, pretzels, anything chocolate and good hard cock. (You knew I had to go there.)

6) 5 bands/singers I like: Lords of Acid, Stroke 9, Cross Canadian Ragweed, NIN, Sara McLaughlin

7) 5 things I would do with a million dollars: Pay off all debt, travel, ensure my family’s comfort, take my dog to a pet psychic, go to law school.

8) 5 places I would like to runaway to: South Africa, New Orleans, Miami, Mexico City (I will one day be the Queen of Mexico- mark my words,) Venice.

9) 5 bad habits: Talking fast, not liking foreplay enough (for the love of God just get to the good stuff), biting nails, drinking, chocolate addiction.

10) 5 things I like doing: Going out, drinking, sex sex sex, listening to music, men- lots of them.

11) 5 TV shows that I like (now): I don’t do tv right now.

12) I would like to meet: Men- lots of them. You know what, let's make that women just for fun.

13) Biggest joys in my life right now: Men – lots of them.

14) 5 favorite toys: HA! Oh boy – The Panther, The Rabbit Bullet, The Wabbit, men- lots of them. I don't need 5, these four should keep me happy.

OK- so there you go Shumpy. Damn you again by the way. I will not be mean enough to assign this task any further.

Oh, and a bit of advise for all of you men out there, if you are going to hit on me in the parking lot, be sure that the CD sitting on your seat is not Greenday. What a pussy.

HNT - we'll call this 'artistic kissing Stephanie'

OK- So I'm about to shoot myself in the foot, but here is the last remaining pic I have of myself on the computer that I have not posted.

So now you shall only see our eyes because I could no longer stand to look at my face looking like a balloon. It can't be all boobs and feet people.

It just can't.

This would be me with Austin Steve- a guy that E and I picked up in a bar in Austin. No I did not fuck him - but I think I know somebody who did.

And now I am going to have to go get a decent camera so I stop scaring all of you nice people.

Flirtinis

The job is mine. I am now rich. Just thought you should know.

Did I forget to mention that I have been driving around with my wedding dress in the back of my Jeep. I should probably take it out at some point. What the hell am I supposed to do with it? Anybody wanna buy one? It's very nice - never used (thank God.)

Maybe I will take it out tonight and walk the dog in it or something. Come to think of it that would be funny as hell.

Hey E, why don't you bring yours over tomorrow night and we can hang out in them all weekend and really make my neighborhood men wonder. Ha - good times, good times.

I was rifiling through my jewelry box on Monday and came across my engagement ring and slipped it on because it is so sparkly and big. Of course it got stuck and it took me all day to get it off. Anybody want to buy that too? It's kind of like a 'wedding in a box' deal. Get the dress, the rings, hell I can even throw in some tulle to make it worth your time.

No? OK then.

I am being forced into going to a happy hour with the group of coworkers that I don't like tonight. Let's see how many Flirtinis I can make the company pay for. Oh, and I shall charge the cab ride home too.

The incident

I knew all of this 'dating' was bound to catch up with me at some point.

There was an incident last night and Cuban Boy got his feelings hurt.

Oh, and I made a new friend in my apartments. He's taller than Anthony. Rarrrrrr.

The cat had to be put up once again.

Wish me luck with what I am doing at 9 am today. If all goes well I can buy shinys for everyone (but probably won't.) Look at that- I even remembered to put in my clear tongue ring this morning.

That all sounds rather cryptic huh?

Muhahahahaha.

Pussy cat

Big ole 6'10 Anthony came by my apartment while I was home for lunch just now. I invited him in and he hesitated and asked me if the cat was locked up.

The cat?

Yes he is terrified of cats. All cats - even the sweet ones like mine.

WTF?

He says I am the most fun apartment in the complex to visit- I wonder why that is?

Whew.

Yeah- so apparently I drank too much last night. Whew. All I know is that I am missing my piece of birthday carrot cake from Mondos and the cd that makes me dance around in my underwear every day. Dammit. My head hurts.

Oh- and I also know that I finally spoke to the guy from the club Saturday night - Raphael (please note I have resisted the urge thusfar to make a Ninja Turtles reference.) He is sweet and is soon to be shipped off to Iraq (a plus for sure,) but in the course of our 30 minute conversation he mentioned that he is ready to get married and have kids no less than 10 times. Gag. He should have caught me at 12:53 yesterday- he missed his window.

Courtney- I don't know why we can't find men that just want to fuck, we should have tee shirts made that say that. It was sweet of you to offer to let me use your studly fuck buddy Mike though- I might take you up on that one of these days. Why are all of the 19 year old stripper boys so dumb anyhow?

I was out with my ex-fiance's brother last night, I loved this quote from him:

"I told my brother I would give it a good six months before hitting on you - I thought that was more than fair considering what the bastard did to you." Awwwwww....

Maybe I'm still intoxicated? Only time will tell.

Oh and did you know....

That they will not let two women go back into one of those little rooms at the porn store together? We asked.

I would have thought that those kind of things would be encouraged.

Who would like to impregnate me?

I know – what a question to ask. On the way back to work from lunch I saw a little 5 year old boy walking down the sidewalk with his mother (I presume) and he had his new little backpack strapped to his back and his hair was freshly cut and he looked so cute. It made me want one. Oh hush- it will pass. I’m not quite ready to give up my Vodka breakfasts just yet (I hear you have to do that once you begin being ‘responsible,’ is that true?)

I don’t feel like talking about sexual reconnaissance yet, maybe later. Bah.

Raphael from the club Saturday night sent me a text message last night that said happy birthday sweet thing. He must have one hell of a memory because I don’t remember telling him anything about it that night. I sent him back a message this morning and told him I would call him tonight.

The executive in the office next to me just yelled out “How fucking stupid is that?” My boss got on to me when I first got here because I used the word hell. I will be glad when I am working for the ‘How fucking stupid is that’ lady. I have a formal interview with one of her people on Thursday, but she has already assured me that I have the job if I want it.

One of my babies had puked on my couch when I went home for lunch. Sigh. I just can’t have anything nice.... (they both seemed to be ok incidentally.)

E isn’t answering her phone but I left her a message telling her that she has to stop seeing one of her men because I was thinking about Saturday night and I realized that he pulled something out of his car that appeared to be a ‘fanny pack.’ Possession of one of those is grounds for dismissal – no exceptions.

I still am unable to send myself pictures from my phone and I’m pissed about it.

Cuban Boy told me yesterday that watching me putting on my Sephora Super Shimmer lip gloss (in Think Pink) in McDonald’s the other day was the most erotic thing he had ever seen. That’s kind of hot.

There were three girls in my group that I went out with Saturday night. I am by far the most conservative of the lot. Chew on that. Anybody ready to move to Texas yet?

Inspired by the process of cleaning up of dog/cat vomit I decided to gather trash at lunch. While emptying the bathroom trash a USED condom fell out on the floor. This was not a condom I had used which makes this whole event that much more disgusting. I should make my weekend house guests come back over and clean my bathroom floor with a toothbrush.

That’s all for now.

Fuckers...

You know what's fun? Having to work from 8-7 on Friday then turning around and doing it AGAIN on Monday (which I believe to be my day of birth.)

Pile on top of that the fact that the reason for working late on Monday is because my bitchy administrative assistant took off leaving me to MAKE COPIES of the 150 page financial analysis I've spent the last week slaving over. Oh, and I get to pass them out in shoes that kill my feet. They don't pay me to make copies.


I am so pissed I can barely see straight.

Items of Note from this weekend

1. My phone rang at 7:01, 7:03 and 7:06 AM Saturday. All three calls were from Non-IT Boy and I did not answer. I did, however, stumble outside soon thereafter all bleary-eyed to walk the dog and ran smack dab into him in my breezeway. He was sitting outside my house at 7 am on a Saturday. He wanted to come in to get his things. I was not alone that morning and had to refuse him entry due to the littering of male clothing across my living room floor. What a fucking freak.

2. A friend casually mentioned to me that he was considering making a batch of Meth. Ummmmm.... no. I casually mentioned back that if he made the decision to do so that we would no longer be friends.

3. Cuban Boy asked E what she thought about him asking me to only see him. She told him I would run away screaming as if my hair was on fire. I later reiterated to him that we were merely friends with benefits. I should probably just stop.

4. We went to a club Saturday night and a very intoxicated boy tried to pay me $22 for 5 minutes of conversation. I had already repeatedly refused his drink offers since one of the girls I was there with was in to him. I hope he remembers the way he behaved and is hanging his head in shame today.

5. Even though Cuban Boy was at my side most of the time at said club I still managed to give my number to a boy named Raphael apparently because he called me yesterday afternoon and left a message that he wanted to chat. He then called back after midnight.

6. The electrician with the Adonis body that I met last week called and invited me out Saturday but I never called him back.

7. There was lots of wild sex had in my bed this weekend but I was not a part of any of it. Yes I did change my sheets.

Edit: Tomorrow's topic will be my new concept of sexual reconnaissance.... muhahahahahaha.

Bow down....

"So bow down to her if you want, bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence. Boo. Boo. Rubbish. Filth. Slime. Muck. Boo. Boo. Boo."

Yeah so it's my birthday and I'm not happy about it.

I did not follow through with my plans to stay in alone this weekend, but I bet you guessed that would happen.

Cuban Boy is in love and it's a pain in my ass.

There were several incidents this weekend that I must discuss but I have some things to get done first.

Enjoy your Monday.

Best IM conversation eva'

I just spent a ton of money at Sephora in the span of 5 minutes. That is the topic of this IM conversation.


Stephanie: im gonna have to sell some major drugs to make that up (the shopping spree that is)
Stone: id buy some if i ya know, did them
Stephanie: sure
Stephanie: OMG I love my new makeup with all my heart
stone: can i take it out in sexual favors?
Stephanie: ummmm- that would be a no- sephora doesnt take pussy in trade
Stephanie: im pretty sure that is
stone: did you ask?
Stephanie: ...
Stephanie: NO I DIDNT
Stephanie: i should
stone: its not like they are gonna have signs up
Stephanie: but the girls there were ugly
Stephanie: well u do have a point

'Cause I'm cool like that

Once again I have outdone myself.

Me + boss's boss + open purse sitting on my desk with condoms on top in full view.

I didn't notice until just now when he left. He was here for 30 mins looking over my shoulder at my computer. My purse was 1 foot away from him. There is no way in hell he didn't see.

Why o why me?

Fuck.

Last night just plain sucked.

The conversation with non-IT boy did not go well. He says that I misinterpreted the situation and that he was kidding (just as we all anticipated.) He made me second guess myself - perhaps I was fucked up at 2 am after a long weekend of drinking and carousing with E. I don't know.

It is hard to explain away the bruises on my arms as me being fucked up. I told him he could come get his stuff on Saturday and that I still thought this was for the best.

Then Cuban Boy dicked me over last night as well. Don't make plans with me and then break them last minute. That's just fucking common decency. There will be no more chances.

So now the plan is to stay at home alone all weekend- just me and my Blockbuster loot and a pint of Ben and Jerry's. It will give me quality time to reflect on the fact that I will be turning twenty fucking nine on Monday.

Hello thirty - how are you? I guess I will see you in just over a year. Fuck.

Confession

OK so I have to admit that it wasn't the watching of the porn so much as the fucking that will ruin whatever reputation I might have had left after last night.

I've blown my target of 3 for the year all to hell now.

Oh well. At least it was good and I know who to call when I need to get off. A man that tall can get a lot of momentum behind him.

Porn star Pilates - I should teach a class.

Fancy porn

Edit- I am posting one of my old fav submissions since there are so many new people.... I seriously have nothing else. Sorry!!!

I am so shocked that I do not have a hangover this morning since I was one of two people who drank almost an entire bottle of Crown Royal last night. Shots were being poured and I was drinking them.

It turns out that 6'10 Anthony from a few doors down can hang when it comes to the liquor consumption. It also turns out that he is not a dealer as I suspected, just another man without a job who likes to hang out in the street and smoke weed with his boys. I didn't even know that people smoked weed in the streets of North Dallas. You learn something new every day.....

He told me that talk around the complex is that E and I are a couple of crazy girls who may or may not be lesbians. Oh, and they all really like my black sparkly going-out-in tank top. Apparently there is plenty of talk about that too. I've only worn it once, but I guess they all saw me or something.

In my Crown-clouded head I somehow convinced myself that it was ok to pop my fancy porn into the DVD player (I had been telling him about the one girl I'm in love with from it.) So yeah.... we watched porn our first time hanging out. It was just on in the background as we talked. Oddness. That should be good for my reputation around there.

Oh well. :)

6'10 is a very good thing. Him only being 23 is not so much a good thing. I told him I was only interested in hanging out- nothing beyond that.

Muhahahahahaha. Work calls.

I'm looking for a pic for HNT - the ones I try to send myself via picture phone aren't working.

Huh?

I went to the bar last night to have a few drinks to drown my sorrows. I heard the following pick up line:

"I was just asking what you like to eat for breakfast so I know what to stock up on."

Gus you old geezer, I give you props for trying.

I might have given my number an electrician with the body of Adonis and a tongue ring.

I'm not sure why I bothered though- he will probably try to hit me or something if we go out.

Bah.

Non-IT boy called me at 1 am and began the conversation with "What are you doing?" Oh how I wish I would have said I was busy fucking a soccer team or something - but instead I mumbled that I was sleeping like a normal person and told him we would talk later today.

Apparently my kicking him out did not signal that I was unhappy with his behavior. Fuckwit.

Cuban Boy drunk dialed me again and said he wanted to come over, but I convinced him that he needed to stay in his own bed.

I'm gonna start turning my damn phone off at night. Hell, maybe all the time.

O. My. gawd.

I think this should stay at the top for a little while...

8/8/05

He said the following to me while in bed this morning at 2 am...

"Let me tell you two things that will make this whole thing (our relationship) a lot easier in the long run. First, you really need to do what I tell you to..."

He was fucking serious.

HE WAS SERIOUS.

Holy. Shit.

I was even more stunned than you are.

And then he pinned me down to MY bed and wouldn't let me up when I tried to express my dismay at his audacity and proceeded to tell me that although he thinks I am very intelligent, he still believes that he is smarter by far.

You can expect a rant the likes of which you have never seen from me about this when I have the energy later today.

fun with email

Email I just sent to E:

"Is it time to go home yet? I talked to Anthony (the super-tall guy in the end apartment) outside at lunch, he asked if we could get together tonight and I said “we’ll see.” He was with two of his boys, one of which told me that I was so sweet that I could borrow his lighter any time (mysteriously my green lighter ran out of fluid last night.) Oh, and Cuban Boy called me and left me a message to see what I’m doing tonight. I was planning on sleeping early again, but who knows. Additionally I promised my mom I would come over and help her do something. Damn, maybe I can take Anthony and Cuban Boy along and we can have one big group date and help my mom at the same time. Riiiggghhhhttttt.

I know I have to deal with the whole stupid-boy thing as well.

Bah – I need a shiny. Who can I con into giving me a shiny?? Cuban Boy is poor and Anthony might be a drug dealer, so I guess Anthony is the logical target. Drug dealers have the best (most) money don’t they? As long as his shiny submission doesn’t come in a tiny little ziplock bag I will be ok.

Oh- Cuban Boy just called again while I was writing this. Silly boys, don’t they know better than to like me? Don’t they know I will just drive them to the point where they want to pin me down and tell me ‘how it is?’ Especially since I apparently fail to put the proper amount of lime in their drinks. I must be taught these things. I must be taught.

Yeah, so that’s all I’ve got.

Oh wait, Eric called to let me know he is alive (as if I cared. That was mean.) I asked him how his birthday trip to Jamaica was and it would appear they all had fun. I hope J and his 19-yo got attacked by sharks (maimed, not death mind you) or something, but I bet that didn’t happen since Eric didn’t mention anything about it. I bet if his brother and Lisa the wonder slut had been maimed/mauled/mutilated by sharks Eric would have mentioned it.

You know even something as simple as them contracting crabs would be ok with me. Maybe next time. Bastards.

You know what, I am choosing to believe that they did contract crabs. Yeah, I feel better already. It doesn’t take much with me.

Whew. Ok then. Goodbye."

Nerds

And now I have gone and made myself sick eating these:








Why do I love them so?

Bah

So I didn't have the energy to call him to come get his stuff - I curled up in a ball on my couch and slept with the Man of Fire DVD playing. It was oddly comforting to wake up and see Denzel's face looking back at me.

Creasy: "I am going to ask questions. If you don't answer fully and truthfully, you will suffer much more than you have to. I'm going to cut your fingers off. One by one, if I have to."

I love that movie. Anybody who cuts a man's fingers off one by one is ok in my book.

And now I shall go stun the financial world with my analysis skills. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.

By the way

My birthday is next Monday.

You have been warned.

Do what you will with this information.

Well hello there...

Yeah- so I did plan to have a whole rant about non-IT boy’s behavior but I feel like I have wasted enough time talking/thinking about it already. I obviously have more self-worth than to expose myself to someone as toxic as he.

He will be called tonight to arrange a time to come over and get his cds and DVDs that are at my house, beyond that I have no reason to give him another thought. My only regret is that we women don’t have a universal warning system that I could use to alert his future victims. Well that and the fact that I gave him such good head.

The rest of the weekend was great. I met some lovely new ladies through some friends and we went to a male strip club Friday night. I did end up holding the hair of one of these new friends as she vomited in the bathroom of the club (she was young,) and drove another home (also young.) The one I drove home gave her number to two strippers against my advise. She emailed me today and said one of them called. I emailed her back and told her she had better stock up on the baby oil (he was VERY shiny.)

Ewwwwwww..... male strippers simply do not appeal to me.

Saturday E and I went to a new bar and met some really nice people. Her friend Dr. Asshole met us there and monopolized my conversations for far too long. We ditched him super early and met up with Cuban Boy. It was cool – we went back out and then back to my house to hang out. I did have to explain to him that we were just friends and could not be fuck buddies, but he said that was cool with him.

My fav quote of the weekend came from Cuban Boy:

"We all have evil inside of us, it's just a matter of how much you are willing to let out."

So true.

Other quotes were:

"I wish I would have spit on that napkin." -me

"Dude, I had to cockblock for you twice in one day - you owe me something shiny." -E

Well I'm off to go check into that whole lesbian nun thing.

What am I trying to say?

If they take Coca-Cola Zero away from me I will kill myself.

Either that or move to Canada.

There will be consequences people - that's what I'm trying to say.

Consequences.

Boring.

Seeing that my annual bonus got deposited today makes me a very happy girl.

Must buy shoes.... they are my crack.

Must buy crack.... it is my shoes? Doesn't quite work the same.

So yeah, I went to happy hour with my coworkers last night for a few drinks and I ended up taking some sinus medication that made me pass out on the couch at 9 pm. Isn't that exciting. My tall drink of chocolate milk knocked on the door at one point, but I was too groggy to answer. I will have to catch him next time.

I spoke to non-IT boy and he apologized (sort of) for trying to force his views on me. We have a rousing game of Monopoly planned at some point this weekend, and the stakes are high. He wants to take a road trip to Louisiana to do a little gambling - loser pays for the room and gas. I'm thinking it's too soon to take a 3 hour road trip, but he thinks it will be fine. Bah - we shall see.

Email I received today...

"I'm sure you remember me... think back to Austin about 8 years ago :) Anyways, I stumbled across your old blog, and wanted to know what your new address is. Tell E 'hi' for me next time you see her. -T"

Austin, 8 years ago?? Oh that's right, and hell no. He knows too much. Too much indeed.

Friday=good.

Bye y'all.

I win

Are you looking at my feet??? I have important things to say here people. Important.

OK- we all know that I never have anything important to say.

Moving on. Since I was in charge of plans for last night I decided to scrap the fancy date idea and pitched the idea of sex on the couch then a little air hockey at Speed Zone. Are you jealous?

Well it didn't work out that way. Speed Zone was closed for a private party, so we went back to the house and busted out the Jenga to satisfy my competitive craving. I won - I could tell that he wanted to cry like a little girl. OK, that might be the asshole in me talking, but I did win. I must win at everything. It's a thing (read issue) I have.

And I still got my sex on the couch. Or maybe he got his... perhaps both.

Over the weekend I discussed with E how we need to put together a workout DVD that will help you have sex like a porn star. How do their legs stand the pressure for so long during their lovely obligatory couch scenes?

There was a disagreement at one point in the night that made me want him to leave. He has some serious apologizing to do or I will be back in Cuban Boy's arms before you can say "my body my choice."

Also in my quest to be an idiot I have agreed to hang out and drink with a guy that lives a few doors down tonight. He's almost 7 feet tall and dark and handsome. How could I refuse? He told me I'm beautiful, you can't go wrong there. Since I'm only 5'4 I could climb him like a tree. But I won't. Probably not.

HNT time...

I know you can't tell but these are the cutest shoes ever. Ever.

Oh, and my nail polish rocks. OPI I will love you forever. The color is Dress to Empress I think. Buy it, live it, love it.

You want to suck on my toes now, huh? I get that a lot.

Kidding, kidding. Mostly.

Isn't that carpet here in the office just the worst? Uggggg.... oh well.

Don't know what the hell HNT is but think you might be interested. See This guy for details.

My eyes... stop the burning....

Why is this dress on sale for $297 at Macy's????? WHY?
I mean seriously.

If any of you ladies have this at home THROW IT OUT RIGHT NOW. If you happen to be wearing it meet me at Old Navy and I will buy you jeans and a tank top.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell, it's just so upsetting that somebody thinks this is cute/flattering.

Yes I tried it on just for grins. Truly hideous.

I did purchase the cutest/sexiest shirt in the history of the world, but my poor upbringing is making me sick with guilt over the $68 I shelled out for it. It wasn't even on sale. For the love of God it wasn't even on sale......

I'm gonna take it back, I just know I am.

It is odd how I can stress over a $70 shirt but don't think twice about spending that much on drinks in a night. At least this $70 isn't contributing to my food/beer baby (as a matter of fact it does quite a nice job of hiding it.)

I make a decent (good) living - I am not even going to notice the $70, but there is something inside my head that tells me that it is wrong, that there are people living paycheck to paycheck who could use that $70 to pay the water bill. Much like my parents did during my entire upbringing.

You know I actually like the fact that I am so weird about money - if I ever have kids (heaven forbid) I want them to appreciate it like I do. My sister put herself through college and a private law school and I paid for my education as well- this shaped both of us into the cheap bastards that we are.

Bah. I am definitely going to take it back. Macy's has taken enough of my money.

I have another 'fancy date' tonight with Non-IT Boy so I need to come up with something to do here in the next few hours.