The kiss

I met The Suit in the elevator and we kissed passionatley for 22 floors on the way down to the lobby.

At work.

At. Work.

He wants me to come over tonight, but I don't want to drive.

Maybe.....

Suggestions please

I need suggestions for my vacation to Vancouver next month - bars, clubs, shopping and attractions.

Oh, and if you own the gold Acura that thought it would be prudent to park 3 inches away from my Jeep in the parking garage, enjoy your new door ding you stupid bitch.

:) I am oh so pleasant sometimes.

Weekend fun

This weekend was interesting. There was a cowboy bar in one of the suburbs Friday night – lame. I did meet a very interesting man from Uganda, that made for some interesting conversation, I gave him my number, but I probably won’t go out with him.

Saturday I managed to get my car fixed for free – the lovely men at Jiffy Lube fixed my brake lights and my tail lights (they were all out apparently.) We had a little bawdy banter in the HOUR it took them to get the lights fixed, and one of them asked me if I wanted to go out with him next weekend – we will see. He looked a little young…. (like that ever stops me.)

Saturday night was filled with 2 Halloween parties, one 22 year old named Ben who thought I might have sex with him in the bathroom (he was dressed as a priest, it was oh so wrong) and a 4 am trip to IHOP. It was all very exhausting. Oh, and one of my neighbors offered one of my friends drugs, ‘cause my apartments are cool like that. When I see him next I am going to threaten to rip his balls off and shove them down his throat if he ever pulls a stunt like that again. He knows better, he knows Paul is in law enforcement.

Sunday I went shopping with Mom and then over to the Suit’s house for dinner. He was too cute and we had a lot of fun. He has a really nice house, lives alone, and knows how to cook. Oh, and he is a great kisser. I am interested to see what happens.

That is all. Oh wait, one of my new neighbors asked me last night if I was ‘spoken for.’ He is younger than me, who uses “are you spoken for’ anymore? I told him I was in a relationship, we all know I don’t need to date any more of my neighbors. He still asked if we could hang out tonight- ‘just as friends.’

Be good.

The Suit

I received the equivalent of a ‘check yes or no’ note from The Suit after the lunch date yesterday.

“Enjoyed lunch. You’re such a lovely lady (lady- who is he kidding?) I’m looking forward to dinner on Sunday as well. I am attracted to you- I’m sure you know this. Just wanted to let you know.” –The Suit

Is he new? I guess there is something to be said for honesty. I think he was letting me know he is interested because at first we were playing the “friends” thing – a friendly lunch here, a friendly chat there. It’s kind of cute. I enjoyed the way he looked at me when he thought I wasn’t looking – like while I was ordering- a piercing stare, almost as if he was trying to memorize my face. Or maybe he was picturing me naked – either way. I tried to let him know again yesterday that I am a casual dater – nothing serious for this filly. We shall see. Hopefully there won’t be a ring baked into the dessert on Sunday. :)

Last night was happy hour with the coworkers – most fun ever!!!! First was margarita on the patio of a Mexican joint, then on to a sushi bar. The new guy is going to be one of my new drinking buddies. I just asked one of my coworkers if I smoked a cigarette last night- scratchy throat and gravelly voice – oh so sexy. A good time was had by all – some more than others.

Must work. Be good.

Loose lips

It's funny how having somebody telling you that you are pretty can improve your mood. Which is better, my date saying it or the young studly waiter agreeing? I can't decide.

No kiss for him because we were not alone in the elevator, but now I'm looking forward to it on Sunday as we have dinner at his house.

My loose lips accidentally let him know that I am not the innocent young lady he had assumed I was (oh yes, I can pull off innocent looking any day of the week, just ask Pixel.)

Speaking of Pixel, her site has a picture of the wedding ring of the guy from the bar Monday night. Funny stuff. Go check it out (she's the bottom link over there on the side- I know she doesn't like being on bottom, but I did it anyway.)

Pissy - who me?

Here is a list of things that make me pissy today:

All of my friends got kicked out of my apartments for a drinking incident a few weeks ago. If you refer back to the man tree I can now knock the following people off: Tall Boy, Derrick and Marcus. Oh, and Damien was only over here when he was visiting one of them, so perhaps him too. They have until tomorrow to get out.

The cop neighbor from hell is sure to complain to the office about my nocturnal visitor last night. Hey, who knows, maybe I will get booted too.

I have to find a new home for my dog – he is lonely and is getting more and more destructive.

The fucking ShoutCast radio station I listen to played an Ashlee Simpson song yesterday. I did nothing at all to deserve that treatment.

A gas station attendant last night told me that I look good for my age, which implies to me that I am indeed old.

I have the EB thing looming over me.

I have no money. That’s right – none at all. I get paid tomorrow but I bet the apartments will want a nice chunk of it for their stupid rent requirement. Oh, and I have a work happy hour tonight where I will be expected to buy drinks for my employees. I just love breaking out those fucking credit cards so others can drink.

I downloaded two ring tones yesterday and received exactly zero of them.

At least I’m wearing a fabulous top. One hour until lunch with The Suit.

HNT Madness

Fun with Halloween.

Some costumes for you to ponder.

I did not have my talk with EB last night, but it was his fault this time. Apparently he hurt himself at work yesterday, so wasn't feeling up to dealing with me. That's fine with me.

I sent Paul a text message asking if he wanted to come out and play around 9 pm - he didn't answer until almost 11, by that time I was pissy and let him know as much. In his defense we did not have any actual plans, but I'm allowed to be pissy.

He invited me to join him watching the game but I declined , telling him I preferred my pj's to his bar (total lie.) I ended up caving and let him come over late due to his incessant begging.

Hot couch sex was had, the evil cop neighbor stuck his head out the door as Paul left at 3 am, all is well.

You know what, no it's not. I'm still pissy.

Where are y'all?

I'm going to stop posting if I continue to only get 5-6 comments a day.

Oh these are not idle threats - I can stop spewing forth the happenings in my garbage filled life.

I can.

OK I can't.

Dude - I slept with the 21 YO again last night - how is that not comment-worthy? You have very high drama expectations people. Very high.

The plan: break up with EB tonight, hopefully see Paul, lunch with The Suit tomorrow. Oh, and The Suit asked me to come over this weekend so he can cook me dinner and we can watch a movie. That's right - he asked me. He gets a kiss after lunch tomorrow.

Those fucking bloody stumps

All of that crap I had to do last night and none of it happened.

I skipped out on ‘breaking up’ with EB and pushed it back until tonight, the boys cancelled on going out (rude), and Paul got in from his trip too late to come over.

So instead I watched Party Monster (who recommended that to me? I LOVED it,) went to the bar for a short bit, then Damien came over to keep me company the rest of the night. Shut up, I am allowed to hang out with 21 year olds if I want – we have SO much in common, for instance we both like boobies. I happen to have ‘em, and he happens to like to look at ‘em. See, lot’s of common ground.

I am a horrible, wretched daughter and shall never forgive myself for what I discovered I did last week. Seriously, my burning in hell fate is sealed. Let’s all pray my punishment doesn’t involve being stuck in a tiny room with hundreds of pretty men and women that I can’t touch because my extremities are bloody stumps from that incident involving a meat grinder. You know what, actually I deserve that punishment and more.

Tonight

A conversation I just had with Pixel reminded me of the following quote from The Princess Bride:

Prince Humperdinck: "Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work. But I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped."

So tonight I have to break up with EB, go out with the cutest boy in the world Pedro because he leaves town tomorrow (he thought I left last night because I didn't like him,) and make time to see Paul who is returning tonight. I'm swamped.

Monday night sans football

Last night was interesting to say the least. It was like the free drink fairies were following me from bar to bar, or maybe it was a couple of guys named John and Steve or something generic like that. There were shots of Crown and Patron, free beer and who knows what else. At one point I accepted a shot and quickly handed it off to the person sitting next to me, they downed it and handed the glass back and I filled it up with beer and pretended to take my prescribed shot. Some people just won't take no for an answer, so let 'em buy shots for other people, what do I care?

I think the most fun part of the evening was when I was getting ready to leave and this one guy was trying to convince me to stay. I explained that I didn’t live in that part of town and had to get home since I had to work in the morning, and he oh so kindly offered to let me stay in his hotel room with him – it was just down the street and he could promise me a good time. I called Pixel and some stranger named Annie over and told them of his offer and grabbed him by the hand and showed the two ladies his big shiny wedding ring. Pixel even took a picture of it because it was so pretty. What a fucking bastard. That’s me, attracting the married and over 30 crowd.

My timing on leaving was shitty, as Pixel’s new found friend from Saturday night showed up with a very scrumptious looking man named Pedro. Rumor has it he wants to go out tonight…… but I have to go to EB’s and break things off. Pixel, can he wait until Wednesday?

I got a text message at 4:52 this morning from a supposed friend – it said “Vegas is awesome, craps is the best game ever and the drinks are free – I may never come home.” Damn her. Damn her to hell.

Paul comes back in town tonight. I'm not excited.....no......not me.

Will somebody break up with my non-boyfriend for me?

My favorite quote from this weekend:

“I like your socks – I’m sorry I fucked your boyfriend.”

OK I only thought the second part, thank goodness I self-censored that in time. I ran in to Damien’s girlfriend.

I just got a text message from EB saying “I’d really like to c u 2nite”

I replied with “Can’t 2nite I’m going 2 c my mom, how about 2morrow?” (OK so I’m really going to drink with Pixel, but he doesn’t need to know that.)

He then said “Please, it’s important.”

I’m thinking something is wrong so I ask, and he replies “No, I’m just lonely and I miss you.”

Gah. Not a good enough reason to draw me away from my drinking with the girls. I guess I’m going to have to let him know what the deal is – I like hanging out with him, but just don’t feel ‘that way’ about him. I’ve tried and tried to have that conversation with him, but I just can’t make myself be mean.

Will somebody break up with my non-boyfriend for me?

The Man Tree

I have another lunch date with The Suit Thursday. This is the last lunch date I will make – I need a chance to dazzle him with my non-work attire dammit. As nice as he is, I am leaning towards the ‘he will make a great friend’ side of the fence. He just needs too much prodding to hang, you know? I asked him to lunch again people – again. He should be asking me.

Let’s see – what else? I am going out with Pixel tonight I believe (if she doesn’t dump me for somebody with a penis, or vice versa.) I shall report back on the night’s activities (gosh let’s hope there are activities, the time has come.)

Ago-go, here is your man tree (I shall try to keep it updated and refer to it in the future.) For those of you who are new, no I am not fucking all of these men. This is in no particular order....

EB- Electrician Boy- met at a bar several months ago, looks like Lorenzo Lomas, really likes me which freaks me out.

Paul- Pixel invited him to join us at Dave and Busters, works in law enforcement, we are fuck buddies (FB) who seem to spend more and more time together. Pixel thinks I’m smitten. Paul joined the picture in early Sept.

Tall Boy- Lives in my apartments, has been occasional FB for the last 4 months, hangs out at my house frequently (many times without it leading to sex.) He is damn near 7 feet tall and is terrified of cats.

Damien- 21 year old who visits a girl in my apartments frequently who he swears is not his girlfriend. Tall Boy introduced us in late September. He really wants to see me naked. Has seen me naked. Holy crap has he ever.

Marcus- Lives in my apartment with his girlfriend who doesn’t like me one bit. He is Tall Boy’s best friend, and we are just friends. No really, we are. (Marcus is hot.)

Derrick- Lives two doors down with a woman and 4 kids, yet he thinks we should be FB’s. I try to avoid him for the most part. He has gang tattoos from head to toe.

The Suit- New, works in my building. Wears a suit. :)

Wicked girls

Saturday night was a blast.

There were some events that under the glaring harsh light of day I regret deeply, but probably (hopefully) not as much as he does.

The proper time to tell somebody that you have been married less than a month is not AFTER you have placed your business card in the top of a girl's thigh high stocking and stuck your tongue so far down her throat that she thought you were taking cultures for some exotic experiment... ;-) And you wonder why I am wary of men.

As for my new drinking buddy (you know who you are) I told you if you came to my blog it would scare you off. Still up for it? You are a braver man than most (email me.)

What a frightfully wicked threesome we were.... anybody who may or may not have pictures of any of us please do not post them for the world to see. Boy were those skirts short, but the panties were cute, were they not?

The Replacements

The search has begun. Paul will be replacing himself since he announced to me last week that he doesn’t like living here in Dallas and is planning on making a move at the beginning of the year. Of course this news did not make me happy, but what can you do? He auditioned one guy Wednesday night, but he didn't make the cut (something about drinking too much.)

When he announced his intentions I sniffed ‘that’s ok as long as you find me a replacement Paul.’

Here are the requirements:

He must be comparable looks-wise
The sex must be equally as hot, or better
He must let me call him Paul no matter what his name is
He must know all the best drinking spots
He must know what kind of beer and mixed drinks I like and order them without having to ask what I want
He must call me ‘man’ when addressing me like Paul does
He must like titty bars and love to take me to them
He must always tell me he will drive so I can drink more
He must be able to laugh it off when other men hit on me while we are out together

Yeah, so that about covers it.

We went out last night and had the best time mocking ugly people at the bar. Then there was the hot, hot sex. And the blow job in the car on the way home, with me saying “Don’t drive by anybody on your right, I don’t have any panties on under this skirt.” "Oops- damn why didn't you mention that to me in the bar?" was his response.

*sigh*

Oh, and Pixel, he sent me a text last night right as I was picking up the phone to send him one, so he beat me to the punch. And you left your purse at my house, it and it's contents now belong to me. And you SO owe me for that whole 'drinks with the personal injury attorney from hell' incident.

Ok then. I shall go be sad now.

The lunch date

Lunch went very well..... this email to my sister sums it up:

"Oh yes, he will soon be in love with me and I will have to break his heart. It is inevitable.

He is a really nice guy that has traveled the world. He went to high school in Germany. Rarrrrrrr. He does not drink because 5 years ago he decided he had a problem and stopped, but doesn’t mind being around people who do. He will be 40 in January.

He is very involved with his family (they live here) and had some good stories to tell. He loves his job (how odd would that be?)

We both agreed that we are not looking for somebody to marry at this point, just some good conversation. Alas, we all know he will soon be buying me a ring because all men are crazy and do the EXACT opposite of what they say they will do.

He told me I was pretty, which is always a plus. Several times I caught him staring at me when he thought I wasn’t looking.

This is the fun part before I realize that he is a total psycho and begin to hate him. What do you think, two weeks?? Ha!"

Yeah, so he sent me a few follow up emails telling me I looked nice today and that he wants to call me tonight.

*sigh*

We shall see what happens.

Oh yeah

I forgot a few things.

First, Cuban Boy is a dead man. He STOLE some pictures from Pixel's camera phone that could get us both in trouble. Seriously, he is a dead man. The thought of him wanking off to them disgusts me to no end.

Second, remember Army Boy? Worst date ever ring a bell (see Sept 2 entry, 8 Lies and a Truth)? Yeah, he called last night. Can you fucking believe that?!?!?!?!?

The boy needs to get a life. Thank goodness I kept his number in my phone just in case he pulled this shit. I thought he was supposed to be re-deployed by now.

HNT and whatnot

Here is a crappy pic of my tattoo - it's at the base of the small of my back and is actually pretty cool, but my camera phone doesn't do it justice.

Oh yeah, and there is my hair too. Look how long its gotten. That's right, it's about 4 inches below my bra line. That's long my friends, very long.

I have lunch with The Suit today, and to prove what a cool girl I am I will be paying since I asked him out (if he lets me.)

We spent an hour on the phone together last night. It's all very interesting.

That's all I've got for now. Enjoy your Thursday.

Corny dogs and such

I'm off to the state fair today with my coworkers. Is it a big deal everywhere else?

Mmmmmmmm- corny dogs......

I have a lunch date with The Suit tomorrow. He called me yesterday afternoon to say his email was down, just in case I had sent him something he wanted me to know he didn't get it. I had slipped away from work early and was home watching Batman cartoons and drinking a beer. When I told him so he had a very favorable reaction to the cartoon watching.

Nothing exciting from last night to report - pretty slow all in all.

I think Tall Boy found out about Damien (they are friends- shut up.) He has been standoffish the last few days.

Yeah, so that's it.

Y'all be good, I will have something disgusting and fried at the fair in your honor.

Funny

I got in my car to go to lunch and turned my head to look to back out and this is what I saw:

Apparently I left my panties in the seat.

How friggin' classy is that?!?!?!

Thank God I didn't invite my coworkers to go to lunch with me, but the disturbing thing is they sat in the garage all morning.

Oh my.

Fanfuckingtastic

Last night. Last night was fanfuckingtastic.

I went out with Paul (hush it up Pixel and Stair.)

We ended up having sex in an alley in a residential neighborhood in the middle of the street as I was bent over the hood of my Jeep. Now that my friends is hot. The man has no fear, and neither do I.

The moon was shining bright and I was totally naked in the middle of some random street- we just couldn’t wait the 5 minutes it would have taken to get back to my house.

We got back in the car and he drove me to the restaurant where we left his car and we did it again in the backseat like a couple of teenagers. I’ve never had sex in a car before, but you can bet I will again.

His coworker H was at the bar with us for a while. I flashed him as we were walking to the bathroom, he says he’s now in love with me. My favorite line of the night was when I asked H to do something with me this weekend (in a platonic way of course) and he said the following:

“My life insurance does not cover hanging out with you.”

I chose to take that as a compliment.

Such fun.

My suit called me this morning- so far we’ve only communicated via email, so that’s progress. Perhaps I will hit him up to go to lunch tomorrow.

Halloween costume

I'm not terribly happy about it but I suppose this is what I am wearing for halloween. Hello boobies. It will be shortened as well.... all the way up to here. :)



The one I really want from Fredericks is too expensive for a one time use.

Favorite text messages in my in/outbox

Indeed – at least sweet Matt keeps being nice 2 me

Clog huh, for sure! Good luck and remember 2 tell um about your 12 lesbian experiences

I’m gonna need to be fucked over the side of that couch very soon sir

D was so big I couldn’t take him n doggie how crazy is that? P was fun 2

And my quicky?

Cum up here

Rosy palm and her 5 sisters

Im so there

Men suck but never at the right time

If I go gay there is a chance the number will increase

Wish you fuck, I mean luck

Just thinking about you

R U alive?

R U ok, R U in trouble?

Nope head tooooooooo good

Meh

All I can say about the weekend is meh.

There was an incident where I tried to pretend that I was asleep when EB told me that he really likes me and wants to spend more time with me. The best part about it was we were mid-conversation and in the car, and it was painfully obvious that I was not really asleep. I was intoxicated at the time and he did call me on it. I agreed to try to give him more time, but we all know that is a lie.

So the joke is now that I have narcolepsy at the first sign of conversation about emotions. That works for me.

I brought a date to girls night (to my credit I didn’t know it was supposed to be a girls night.) He held his own (in more ways than one that night because I am still refusing to grant him access to the goods.)

I was still in a lot of pain from Thursday night on Friday so I went out with Pixel, but I didn’t last more than a few hours. We went to a bar to see a band play and it was the oddest thing – I was one of the tallest people there, and I am only 5’4. It was land of the tiny little men and women. The band was good though. They only served been in cans – I will not be going back, as I do not prefer to be a giant in the crowd while sporting an aluminum can. Gross.

So yeah, that’s it.

There was a point at which I said “the best I can hope for is that I had clothes on when I walked the dog.”

All in all a very bland weekend. I shall try to spice things up this week, but can make no promises.

More fun with email

On 10/14/05, Stephanie wrote:

Those internal injuries I joked about, that can't really happen, right?

On 10/14/05 Pixel wrote:

I am pretty sure they can't really happen. I can always check with (the Dr friend) but then he is going to want to know why, and I am not telling him its me.

Go hang with the boys tonight. I told Y I would hang with her tomorrow. She wants to go to the place in Dallas. I told her you would join, mainly because I don't like to hang out with her by myself. It bores me. You know how much I hate to be bored, dontacha?

I'll will officially post some sort of prize if you can manage three dates (not three sleep overs) tonight. Maybe drinks with EB, dinner with Patrick and sex with Paul, perhaps?

On 10/14/05, Stephanie wrote:

I actually might die right here at my desk.

Y tomorrow night or during the day? My mom is off tomorrow and she and my sister might come up and we will go to Ikea, you can join if you aren't busy. Shopping is always good, especially since I have a new flask full of Hennessy.

Oh gawd. Die, I shall die I tell you.

When I do die please refer back to last week's list, I guess you can scratch the Damien thing off of the list, although I would still recommend giving him a whirl. Well hell, if he has killed me, perhaps not.

Do you think they would charge him with murder? How cool would he be? He could record his raps from jail while serving out his time for killing that one blonde white girl, what was her name, Nicole? No, I think it was Stephanie. That's an example of what 'they' will say.

I know, replace that with entertaining The Suit, he seems like such a nice guy. Now this entertainment might involve going to church and being sober, but you can handle it, no? If not then you can delegate it to my sister, that is if she's not busy on a date with a pilot or rocket scientist (yes really.)

Please don't ask your doctor friend if it's possible, he will know it's me and then his suspicions will be confirmed. He knew how I was, that's what he will mutter under his breath at my funeral as he tries to console you (all the while trying to get into your pants because we know he is creepy like that.)

Allright gold digger, I'm out- gonna leave you ass for a white girl.

Whew.

Things transpired in my house - great and wonderful things.

I will be sending Mr. 21 YO a bill for the hospital visit that I may have to make later today to make sure that my internal injuries from last night are not life threatening. See a blonde walking slowly down the hall today? Yeah that's me. Give me a high five as you pass, a pat on the back for a job well done.

Hehe.

It's all good.

As for any other events that may or may not have happened, Pixel you must remain quiet as a mouse. I never called you, you never heard a word about anything odd, and you certainly never received any post-midnight text messages with details. And please relay that message to the stranger you told as well.

Damien understands that was a one time event, never to be forgotten and never to be mentioned.

He got a little offended when I asked if anybody had seen him come over the second he walked in the back door.

I have a reputation to protect. Right. Please control your laughter.

Tonight I think I shall see Paul, it would appear he is back in town and is ready to resume 'communications.'

Sigh.

Y'all be good.

Wish me luck

As tonight is the night that I shall play 'we are both grown ups and this is all ok' with my 21 year old suitor.

The sex will only happen if I can make him understand that this is a one time thing, any push back at all and all bets are off.

Assuming there are no hitches in my plan, I shall have some stellar stories to tell tomorrow.

Cop next door be dammed, I shall use my couch to its full extent. Any noise he may or may not hear will be blamed on the people upstairs. They have sex too, right? I mean really, who would complain about sex noises? Not me..... I might ask to watch, but never complain.

I hope you all have a good night, sorry about the no HNT thing..... too busy.

Last night

You know what makes me a bad person? Having plans with Matt and then breaking them last minute to go out with Patrick, that’s what.

Patrick is cool and cuter than I remember and can keep up with my banter, but he has quite the big ego. We will be going out this weekend at some point (if I don’t get a better offer. Shut up.)

If I were looking for something long term this would not be the guy for me – he has 2 kids. Since pickin’s aren’t slim right now I don’t know how much time I will devote to this one.

Must work.

Tonight

Tonight I go to happy hour with coworkers then over to EB's house for a little 'quality time'.

Just a little over 24 hours until I get naked with Damien - if I don't back out.

I'm feeling a little bad about the whole thing. I think (know) he actually likes me.

He asked if he could stay the night last night. Not acceptable.

I haven' t seen Paul in over a week. :( He's been out of town.

I am going to lunch with The Suit early next week. I have learned some very interesting things about him that will no doubt prove this to be all very interesting. Cryptic- I know.

Bizarre

I forgot to tell you all – a few nights ago I had a dream that my father was holding a group of us hostage with a gun. It was very disturbing, I wasn’t able to go back to sleep after that.

As I was speaking to my sister last night she said that she had the oddest dream the night before – our father was holding us hostage with a gun.

How bizarre is that?

He died May 30, I can’t believe it’s been so long ago.

The dating bonanza

I am keeping up a steady stream of emails with 'the suit' from upstairs. He is quite an interesting character, we will see what happens. I would like to see him this weekend, but no plans have been firmed up.

I have restarted communications with a guy that I met the night on the night from hell, you don't know about him yet because the events of that night overshadowed our meeting. His name is Patrick and he is tall and bald and very attractive. We talked on the phone for a long time last night and he wants to go out this weekend. He seems like he could be fun, but he has a very young child.

I must admit that I did allow Damien to come over last night (shut up Pixel.) We spent some quality time together watching tv and kissing, mostly harmless. We still have a sex date for Thursday night – I am looking forward to that with bated breath. The boy is impressive. He keeps telling me that ages are only numbers, but when he mentioned that he graduated high school in 2003, I about dropped my jaw. I graduated in 1994. Gah.

Here are some text messages from last night/ this morning:

Sexy thang- EB
Hey baby, whats up- Me (I was topless at the time with Damien)
Just thinking about u- EB (that made me feel a little bad, not bad enough to put my top back on)
Awwwwww that’s so sweet- Me

It was really nice to talk to u. Hope I get 2 c u soon! Sleep well. – Patrick
Awwwww that was sweet (Im still not gonna go skinny dipping ;)- Me

Good morning – hope you have a good day.- Patrick

We shall refer to this period of time as the 'dating bonanza.'

The suit

from the 25th floor - I asked him out on the escalators today.

Why not?

He said he will call me.

Horary for boobies.

As evidenced by my bitching yesterday I was feeling a little down about the comments I have been receiving as of late regarding the allure of my breasts, bazoombas, tatas, whatever you want to call ‘em.

It seems like every guy that hits on me lately focuses in on them, as if they are they first to tell me that they like them. Guess what, I’ve heard it all before. I’ve been living with them since I was 13, I know they are big, I know a lot of you (not all to be sure) want to see them unclothed, take a mother fucking number.

Anywho- mankind has been somewhat redeemed.

I went inside the gas station last night to pay my $3.10 a gallon for fuel and the very nice attendant told me that I have a very beautiful face- in front of people. It was so genuine and sweet I wanted to flash him then and there, but I erred on the side of modesty and nodded a quick thank you and went about my business.

Men, all of you out there, it’s things like this that will get our attention. Don’t go for the obvious, just a little hint for ya’.

I went over to Matt’s house and told him my little story, he reminded me that the first thing he said to me was that I have a pretty smile, which is a fucking miracle since he sees boobies and his eyes glaze over. I can stun him into submission merely by leaning over – it’s actually kind of funny. He was also able to tell me exactly what I was wearing and what day of the week it was when we met and the things we talked about. Ummmm- I know he had on clothes, does that count as being perceptive?

We had a good time, he told me that he has missed hanging out with me – and I had to admit that I had missed him too. There is a certain comfort that goes along with lying on his couch with my head in his lap while he strokes my hair and kisses my forehead. Gag.

Before I left for Matt’s house Tall Boy stopped by to tell me something. He asked what I was doing last night and when I told him I was going to a friends house he said “Who, Paullllllllll?” in a annoyingly whiney voice. Jealous much? What a weirdo.

There were also a few interactions with my 21 year old that ended with me saying “Damien, we can’t fuck yet, that is scheduled for later this week, why in the world else would we hang out?”

Men!!

Quote of the day

"The rapper thing sounds like a bad idea to me - I really do not want to have to say my sister is in someone's "posse." Then there's all the jewelry that they wear. Ideally, you want your guy to spend all jewelry money on YOU. " -my sister's thoughts on Damien.

Stop talking about my breasts.

I don’t have much to share, the weekend was very uneventful.

I did learn that I misunderstood my last conversation with EB and he is wanting ‘things to get back where they were.’ He sounded so sad when we talked Saturday, like the little kid who got picked last for kickball. I think I might try to see him tonight, try to soothe his ego.

Paul has new hours at work and they are not making me happy. I wanted to hang out with him on Friday night, and he said he would, but he had to be at work at 8 am Saturday morning. What the hell? I need to have a conversation with his supervisors – I have needs people, lusty needs.

Derrick, my neighbor from two doors down that lives with a woman and like 4 kids, came over for a bit on Saturday night. Just to refresh your memory, Derrick is the one who asked me for a nooner a few weeks back. He was once again asking me if he could have sex, and I once again declined. Then he moved on to just wanting to see my breasts.

What is up with the obsession with my breasts lately? I’m about sick of it. I am a whole woman dammit, I have a lot to offer outside of my breasts. His behavior made me pissy for the rest of the weekend.

As a matter of fact I am still pissy about it.

Oh well, perhaps I shall try binding them to dissuade the negative attention.

Get back on your meds you crazy carney

There was an ‘incident’ in the parking garage at my work this morning.

I was involved through no fault of my own.

Why are all BMW drivers jackasses? Drive a BMW? I’m sorry you are a jackass.

If there is a line of say, oh I don’t know, 40 cars behind you, you should probably not wait for a parking space to open up on the second floor during peak parking times. There are many more decks waiting with lovely wide open spaces just salivating in anticipation to receive your big, studly BMW SUV (read tiny penis.) No really, there are. I would liken it to the relationship between a lonely pirate and his favorite whore’s vagina. All of those upper floor open spaces, I hear they are of loose morals and will let anybody use them over and over again. I don’t know why I even try to be funny.

I did NOT honk, but was subjected to a man approaching my window frothing at the mouth from yelling about the honking. Again, I did not honk. He GOT OUT of his car and approached MY Jeep, a big blue vein bulging and pulsing on his forehead. I was a little concerned that he was going to have a heart attack, but really not so much.

I very calmly informed the rabid BMW driving idiot of my no honking policy and told him to get his tiny ass back in his car or there would be trouble. I’m in my fancy silk tank top and would have hated to get blood on it, but sometimes that’s the price we pay for exercising a little asshole justice. $78 in this case. Seems fair, no? Blood spatters almost never come out of silk.

I can understand wanting to score a good parking space for sure, but there was nothing rock star about the space he was waiting for. Little prick. If you are going to mess with me getting to work on time, that parking place had better be right up front and come with a lifetime of free blow jobs from pretty redheads.

He went and banged on the window of the person that was pulling out, yelling at them too. Can we say “get back on your meds you crazy carney?”

Who in the hell does he think he is? I hope a little gnome finds his way into his bed tonight and does very bad things to his ‘it’s not ok to touch’ zone. Very, very bad things.

I must now go, I have some business to take care of in the garage.

Final wishes

Dear Pixel-

I do believe that there are some tiny (maybe not so tiny) little creatures inside of me twisting things around in an attempt to make this whole period thing as friggin' painful as possible.
How much Midol is too much because I'm about to take more?

Oh my gawd.

I seriously might die. Die I tell you.

If I do die I need you to do a few things for me:

1. Clear out my toy box before my Mom gets to my apartment. She is never to know that I have owned any such devices. You may do with them what you will - perhaps a separate little ceremony by the sea for them? It seems a shame to let them go to waste, perhaps you can donate them to the orgasm-less society? Those poor women, I hope I can do my part.

2. Ensure that all of my men are informed of my demise. The best course of action would be one mass text message that says something like "sorry boys, no more excellent head from the blonde as she has expired due to the wrath of God." I think it's concise and to the point, don't you? Please listen for the collective sigh that falls over Dallas when you hit send, it will make you proud.

3. I know it may seem as though I'm stuck on this, but really Damien must be praised for what his mama gave him, so you are going to need to follow through on my sex plans for next week. It will be like your last little tribute to me. It's like a 'take one for the team' request, but somehow not.

4. The dog must be relocated- find him a good home. The cat, well honestly you are going to have to go ahead and kill her in the most human way possible and put her in the casket with me. I simply cannot be without my Pinkerbell. I know that technically she doesn't deserve to go to hell, but you are going to have to make her commit some kind of crime/sin before you kill her so that she will end up where I do. Unless you can work out some way that I can make it in to heaven. Yeah, I like the sound of that better.

5. I will need to be buried in the most outrageous wedding/prom dress concoction you can find at Thrift Town. A tiara is a must, but you already knew this. Oh, and you are going to need to bury the Bare Minerals bronzer with me, I'm sorry, I must have it.

6. Last, and most important, you must spread the word that although the coroner's report might list "died from worst cramps ever," you know that it was really that shank wound from my time spent in jail that did me in. I just can't go out like that you know, who dies from cramps? Not me, I'm too hard core to go down like that. An old shank wound from that time I was in a gang, remember that, it is of up most importance.

Thank you for your time and enjoy Damien.

Yes please.

I let Damien come over last night as I was getting ready to go out. He is a sweet kid that is absolutely fascinated with my breasts. At one point I said “Rumor has it that I have a very pretty face too.”

I was a good girl – there was no kissing, a little flashing, and I may or may not have been able to send the following text message to E after he begrudgingly left:

“My 21 YO has the biggest cock I’ve ever encountered.”

It was never actually exposed, but all I could say was damn as he came up behind me to give me a hug. It was a monster and at that point I asked him to return in exactly 7 days and we would see what we could do with it. Screw it, I’m not attached to anybody, why not?

He has a record contract, and from what Tall Boy tells me he’s pretty good. I don’t care about anything beyond finding out what he can do with his goods.

Then I went to get dinner. I was sitting alone when this lady across the bar told me to get my ass over there to sit by her. I did as I was told (she was a big girl!) She turned out to be awesome – her name is Mary and she has a radio show and she has never met a stranger. She introduced me to her friend Pete, who was about 50. The short story is that Pete ended up hemming and hawing around and finally asked me out, but I politely declined citing the fact that he has 3 kids. He made me feel very guilty about saying no, like I was required to go out with him, even if it was just once. He was like a little sad puppy after that, so I left to go get a drink. (Mary followed me out and produced a candle from her car for me, it was a little odd.)

At the bar I met a very interesting character – I can’t remember his name, but he now has my number. We had a very bawdy conversation with his intoxicated friend Michael. This guy had so much confidence oozing out of him it was ridiculous. He was not the most attractive man I’ve ever seen, he was in his 40’s, was tall and bald, but you would have thought he was a cross between Pitt and Clooney with the way he handled himself.

His parting words to me were “You may not know it yet but one of these days you will be fucking me.”

Holy crap. Who says that kind of stuff?

The amazing thing is that kind of crap usually puts me off, but somehow it made him very attractive. I think he knows Matt (who wanted to hang out again last night incidentally) – that could be a problem.

So there you go. I wasn’t bored, that’s for sure.

I cannot wait until my seven days of exile are over. Sometimes I hate being a girl.

Text conversation from last night:
“Can’t go, going to a fight – have u found me a mistress yet?” –Paul (after the Suicide Girls show we decided leather and piercings might be fun)
“Damn, k. Maybe ill look 2nite. Is she gonna cut into my fucking time?” –me
“Nope- head tooooooo good.” –Paul (should I be insulted by that?)
“OK as long as I can try her 1st for quality control” –Me
“You = hot.” -Paul

HNT

Early because I can't post pics at work.

Here you have it....


Man Sephora lipgloss is the best.

Like my slightly crooked front tooth?

Lips, yes I've got 'em.

Dating black hole

I’m freaking out.

Oh my gawd it’s Wednesday and I don’t have any weekend plans, and I don’t have any dates this week.

Plans with Paul don’t count as dates in my book. Shut up Pixel.

I have new clothes to wear people, date clothes I bought last weekend, date clothes that I’m sure some lucky boy would love to see.

Don’t think I’m going to stand for this, take being dateless lying down? Me? Never!

Don’t any of you freaks offer. I’m resourceful, I will come up with something.

Where the hell is that guy from the 25th floor – I need to find a way to get his card. I can’t remember even his first name however – this might be a problem.

Ummmm- when exactly did I become dependent on dating? It's rather disturbing.

I'm walking over to Sephora to make myself feel better.

Cantankerous cop (no I didn't get arrested again)

Last night was all very low key.

I made it to the grocery store, took the dog for a nice walk and hit bed about 10:30.

The bad news is soon thereafter my phone started ringing.

First (and second) there was Damien – he wanted to come over because he was in my part of town (visiting his girlfriend no doubt) and I declined of course (I had just dropped off to sleep.) He got pissy with me and said that I keep putting him off. Of course I keep putting him off, he’s 21 years old and I have enough penis’ in my life right now. He tried to make me promise that I would see him next time no matter what I was doing, weirdo (and not in a good way like you and I.)

Then Tall Boy called, which was odd because he always just knocks. He asked what I was doing and I told him since it was midnight and he knew good and well I was up past 4 am the prior night I was attempting to sleep. He said ok that he would talk to me later. Not 20 minutes later there was a knock on the door – his knock.

I tried to ignore it – he knocked again, louder. Still ignored it. Then he moved on to using the actual door knocker, which is very loud. At this point I was thinking something was wrong, my car was being broken into or something, so I wrapped a towel around myself and answered the door.

Nope, no problem, he just wanted to talk to me about this weekend. And he was not alone.

So there I was in my towel looking at him like he had lost his mind – I reminded him of our conversation 20 minutes before and he looked un-phased. I told them they couldn’t come in, but right at that moment my neighbor the cop pulled up, so I pulled them inside (lest I get in any more trouble.)

The cop had his girlfriend with him and they thought it might be fun to kiss – outside- in the entryway- in front of my house. Did I mention they were outside (that is decidedly against the rules)? Bastard.

All I wanted to do was go to sleep, but we had to wait until cop boy went inside for them to leave. I refused to give them anything – no beer, no use of my restroom – nothing. We just stood there staring at the door- waiting. Me in my towel. At one point there was a comment about my being naked – I shot the look of death and told them to shut the hell up.

What was Tall Boy thinking? He’s a smart fellow, I know he is. I told him if I weren’t naked I would have kicked his ass last night. I was so damn sleepy. After about 20 minutes they went inside and I shoved them out the door.

Living next to the cantankerous cop is like living with my parents. I don’t think I mentioned that Saturday afternoon he had a ‘talk’ with me about the amount of traffic coming and going from my apartment. Either he thinks I’m dealing drugs or he thinks I’m a whore – either way I’m screwed. We all know how much I love cops right now, right?

I figure I lost a good hour and a half to those boys, and I plan to avenge the loss of said sleep. They will pay, oh yes they will. I’m gonna go sleep under my desk now (I so very wish.)

Ooooooo- this might compete for my ‘worst post ever’ title. Haha – you read it all sucker.

Quotes from last night

Shoot- I forgot to add my quotes from last night:

“I’m not gonna fuck ‘em unless they give me cigarettes.” –Pixel on what she would do as a prison guard. The oddest thing about this quote is that she doesn’t smoke.

“The good times are killing me.” – Bathroom wall, I think this is my new motto (pic to the right.)

"We don't fuck Steph, we make love." -Paul. We both busted out laughing. Of course we fuck.

“I want a lesbian girlfriend.” –signed Married, bathroom wall.

"I'm not going to say it wasn't worth it, but please don't ask me to 'fight through the pain' again when it comes to using a condom I'm allergic to." -Paul on Friday night's incident. The results were not good at all. I feel a little bad about that one. Not bad enough to not sleep with him last night mind you..... but I did go purchase the correct brand.

“I am not a racist.” –Bathroom wall.

"Give me your id. Tell me Mr. Shelby, are you planning on killing my friend if she goes with you? Don't think I won't hunt you down mister, she's my only female friend." -Me to the 22 year old that Pixel followed to another bar.

"I don't have that many cell phone minutes left and you are always too busy to see me. I will call you back when I can." -EB when I returned HIS call. I found that to be very interesting.

The Suicide Girls and some shots

So we went to a burlesque show last night in Denton – the Suicide Girls – ever seen ‘em? Perhaps on Real Sex? Perhaps you have been to their WEBSITE (NSFW.)

Very hot. E was kind enough to meet us there – I took the infamous Paul along for the ride.

There was whipped cream in a can, cherries, a toy gun and some a couple of girls in school girl outfits on chains. Oh, and electrical tape outfits....

E bought me lots of shots (Paul drove me home.) I’m a little hung over this morning, but it was all worth it.

When we got home at 2 am Paul came in to ‘use the rest room’ and stayed for a quickie. Not 10 minutes after he left (at 3:30 am) there was a knock on the door- it was G and Tall Boy. I let them in and they proceeded to mock me about Paul. They call him my ‘old man’ since he is 38 and they are both in their early 20’s. They say I almost moan his name – whatever, I do not.

I pushed them out the door at 4. Some of us have to work losers.

So here I am.

If you are going to see the Suicide Girls tonight you might want to skip the opening ‘band.’ They were the very worst I’ve ever heard.

Be good!!!

PS- A little bird who happens to work in a prison told me that officer who 'took me to a private room' to use his cell phone where nobody could see probably intended to rape me but got sidetracked. The camera was pointed in the opposite direction, I did notice that. Good to know.

I always thought handcuffs would feel better than this...

Things I said this weekend:

No you cannot kiss me on the mouth- one tequila shot does not buy you a kiss you freak.

I actually wasn’t referring to the other inmates ogling of me I was referring to you and your peers, please have a female pull up my top or remove my handcuffs so I can do it myself.

No thank you, I don’t want any crack at this time.

Be careful with my purse it cost more than your monthly salary. (Which is so not true, but hey, I can be bitchy.)

No I didn’t neuter my dead dog and I didn’t realize it was a ticketable offense.

So as you may have guessed I spent time in jail this weekend.

This is the one and only time this will be discussed – that goes for those of you who know me in person as well.

I was pulled over Saturday night for a warrant out of another county for failing to neuter a dog that I got from the city shelter (because he died of distemper 2 weeks after we got him) and for a failure to provide financial responsibility (no insurance) ticket from yet another county from 1994. The Dallas police cars apparently scan all license plates and if a warrant hit comes back they light you up. I got lit up.

I was arrested and kept in jail for 12 hours. The very excellent news was that the officer did not give me a DWI- he didn’t even ask me if I had been drinking and how much, which was a miracle because it was 1:30 am and I had been drinking since 9. I was not falling down drunk, and didn’t even feel slightly impaired, but I am fully aware that I would not have passed a breathalyzer.

So anyway there I was in the most expensive and most revealing top I own with my hands behind my back on the side of the road on Cedar Springs.

My arresting officer did everything but actually ask me out. The guy who ‘helped’ him transport me said “I know this is inappropriate to say but I wanted to let you know that you look great in that shirt.” Yes, yes it was inappropriate to say.

I went to two jails, the city jail was first. There I was put into a cage with a crack whore who had a bloody nose. There were about 15 men across the way in the male cage – they liked my top too. Or maybe it was just my breasts, I can’t remember. That is where my respect for police officers began to erode. I watched an officer intentionally pick at a guy until he took a swing at him – hell I would have taken a swing at him too if he hade done it to me. Then when the guy called him a bitch the officer said “No I’m not a bitch, the bitches are over there” – pointing to my cage.

At the second jail I was offered crack by a woman who showed it to me and said “they missed it when they searched me” (I shudder to think about where it was that they missed it.) I spent about 8 hours of my time with a woman who was pulled over with 15 lbs of pot in her trunk, but the good news is that she was only charged with transporting less than 5 lbs. I wonder where those other 10 lbs went? She had been shot in the lower abdomen by her ex who “didn’t want anybody else to use her pussy.” She showed me the scar. She also showed me the ropes.

Nobody messed with me – there was a lot of staring because my breasts were mostly exposed. The looks from the guards (98% men) were far creepier than the inmates. One of the guards offered to let me use his cell phone since I couldn’t call anybody I knew from the jail phone because all of my numbers were longs distance. He led me into a special cell by myself and then forgot about me for 1.5 hours.

I made friends with a gang of women who were lesbians and had all served time together at one point or another. They didn’t offer to share the one and only mat with me (thank God), but they did let me have a roll of toilet paper to use as a pillow. I spread out little squares on the floor in an effort to not freeze to death as I lay down on the concrete. From what they were telling me the jail I was in was one of the worst they had ever seen, and they had seen a lot between them.

I was there for so long due to a lot of screw ups. They didn’t really know what to do with me, all of my stuff was out of county – they didn’t want to keep me there, so I had to wait for one of the other counties to pick me up. Thank goodness I had called my sister the second I got pulled over (she is an attorney,) otherwise nobody would have known I was there, and I still might be sitting on that cold floor.

My advice to you all would be to learn some of those numbers from your cell phone – I knew exactly 1 number (long distance) because I program numbers into my cell and never give them another thought.

My other piece of advice is never give your second bologna sandwich away immediately – you might be able to use it later. Oh, and if you are locked up for not neutering your dead dog you should definitely lie and say that you were in for assault, I did.

Also, if one of your friends spends the night in jail it is probably a good idea for you to go ahead and call them and check on them at some point, perhaps maybe not AFTER many hours have gone by after you KNOW they were released. It might make your jail-shocked friend sad and a little bit bitter.

The funny thing is I was joking with Paul (sigh) Saturday morning about him bringing over his handcuffs – that would be a big hell no now.

At least a guy at the club told me I looked scrumptious before all of this happened. Also I gave my number to some guy named Patrick, he called twice yesterday while I was sleeping.

So there you have it. Another experience added to my resume – one I would have loved to have skipped, or at least been in another city for.