Items of Note

"Sure Jesus could restore my physical and spiritual virginity, especially if I lost it to some rapist, but who wants that? I'm saving myself for marriage, and I'll use force if necessary." -Hilary Faye

Monday, January 30, 2006

Le weekend

Nothing exciting to see here.

I received date invitations from two different men who are 21 years old and turned both down because I am a good girl. Ok, because I was feeling pissy about Paul. Whatever, the point is I said no.

The weekend was low key- stayed in Friday night and played ball with Sammy thecutestdoggieever and went to bed super early. Oh wait, I did leave the house Friday night – I went and tanned and then took my makeup-free, hair pulled up in a sloppy bun self to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things. Have I mentioned how much I hate Wal-Mart lately, ‘cause I really, really do. Why do people with screaming babies think they are cute? They so aren’t!!!! I am the bitchy person who will say something as I pass…..

Anyway, the semi-cute guy in the self checkout line in front of me ended up paying for my purchase (two eyeshadows and a bottle of water)– all $16 of it. I tried to refuse, but by the time I looked up from the magazine I was looking at the damage was already done. He didn’t ask for my phone number, nada – he just said ‘here you go, have a good night’ and walked out the door. It was so sweet (maybe I looked poor?)

Things like this don’t happen to me, but the timing could not have been any better because I was still feeling the sting from the creepy guy at Chili’s earlier in the week. I guess it’s my turn next time I have some extra money. Good karma – I can use all I can get!

He was buying 6 duffle bags – either he was going to be picking up some major drugs, or he had some heads that needed a place to be stored. Either way…….

Saturday night was girls night in. Wild times, wild times. How did I become the blow job expert in the group? I don’t know how I feel about that….

Sunday I nursed my killer hangover compliments of the strongest Cosmopolitans ever Saturday night – I am no longer in charge of drinks for our girls nights.

I need to get out of the house this week, but have only allotted myself $47 for the rest of the week, so we will see what happens. Maybe I will go out with my 21 year olds….. dating for economics.

Oh, and my group of girls is considering going to New York for Fleet Week. Can you imagine the trouble we could get in? I can......

Friday, January 27, 2006

Fantasizing

It is a Friday afternoon and I am really, really wanting to go home. I have been fantasizing about how I can hang myself from the ceiling using only tape and paperclips, but I'm pretty sure it is impossible.

Conversation with my boss:

[14:53] Stephanie: ummmmm- can we all leave at 4?
[14:53] Chris: ummmmmmm - why
[14:53] Stephanie: ummmmm- cause it was a hellish week
[14:54] Stephanie: and we gave you a cookie
[14:54] Stephanie: ;)
[14:54] Chris: nice try
[14:54] Chris: do we have anything outstanding that needs to be done
[14:54] Stephanie: meh, dont we always?
[14:54] Stephanie: :)
[14:55] Stephanie: i dont think anything is 'due' today
[14:56] Chris: how about 4:30
[14:56] Chris: is that ok
[14:57] Stephanie: i am speaking with my people about your terms
[14:57] Chris: this is not a democracy
[14:57] Stephanie: we have decided to accept your terms
[14:58] Stephanie: and appreciate your negotiations.
[14:58] Stephanie: you have earned yourself another cookie.
[14:58] Chris: lol
[14:58] Chris: you guys are too much
[14:58] Stephanie: we know.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Creepy

I went to dinner alone last night and encountered the most bizzare man ever. He scared me to the point that I was afraid to walk to my car alone. He told me that he felt like we were meant to be together, and that he was sure we had met before in a internet chat room, and that we would make pretty babies together. Oh. My. Gawd.

At one point I had to threaten to stab him with my fork if he attempted to touch me again.

I am never going out in public again. He creeped me out so much that I cancelled my evening plans and went home and crawled under the covers.

OK, I will start that new rule after happy hour tonight.

Bah @ the world.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Emotionally unavailable.

Oh yes, without a shred of doubt I can tell you that I am, but the thought I had while driving home last night after my friends gently told me that I need help (yes I do and I appreciate the concern) is does making yourself emotionally available make you less likely to consider colliding with a tanker truck while you are driving down the freeway? From what I recall the answer to that is no, as a matter of fact that thought surfaces more frequently when I am involved with somebody.

I can recall many, many times when I was engaged that I would be driving home after speaking to my significant other and thought “is any of this worth the pain?“ Obviously in that instance it was not, we are not together anymore. How many couples ‘make it?’ It’s a rarity at best. Why bother? Do the good times outweigh the bad? Who’s to say?

I see people that hold out that hope that the next person they date will be the perfect one that they can spend the rest of their lives with, and each time their hopes are dashed within days, weeks, months- whatever. Again I ask, why bother? If all roads lead to divorce and breakups, then why even bother getting in the car?

You optimists argue all you want- true love and blahblahblah, show me some proof. Nothing is forever.

I actually don’t know that I want my view to change to be honest with you. Everybody is different, right? What if living my life like I am is right for me? Society says that I need to be a part of a couple, but perhaps that’s just not me?

I will go and I will pose these questions to somebody who is qualified to answer them, I will argue my case and if I am crazy (who knows) then I will do whatever it takes to do the right thing for myself mentally. Are my Prozac days to come?

Somebody has to be the crazy cat lady.

Oh, and Courtney Love has been renamed “Wretched scab covered whore.”

And I have been named “the quiet one’ in our circle of friends (you know it’s bad news when I’m the quiet one) – there is also ‘the frisky one’ and ‘huh?’ I’m really glad I’m not ‘huh?’

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Bah

He has all of the power in our ‘relationship’ and it’s driving me crazy.

What man in their right mind does not immediately respond to this text message:

“Did last night’s ‘incident’ scar you cause I could use another round of good hard fucking.”

He sent a reply at 10 this morning that said “Sorry changed back to nights – I’m off Wed how about then?”

Insane. I should get a prompt response to messages like that every time I get the whim to send one, don’t you think?

I was not asking him to take me out on a fancy date (heaven forbid) I simply asked the man to stop by and fuck me in his spare time.

Maddening.

Maybe I just need one for every day? Nah, too much effort.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Now I'm the ass

Anybody remember EB? He was around last fall and I am the ass that just stopped responding to his text messages and phone calls because I couldn't make myself be attracted to him even though he was super pretty and worshipped the ground I walked on? Yeah, he called.

I'm too lazy to link, so see posts between Sept 12 and October 17.

Oh my what do I do? I feel like such an ass, he probably thinks I'm dead.

He left a voice mail that said that he really misses me (why?) and that he just wants to know what went wrong (I'm an ass) and that even if I don't want to hang out with him he just wants to know I'm ok.

Oh my.

He didn't do anything wrong and I want to call him, but I fear I will start stringing him along again, and that's just not nice.

I am trying to figure out how to post his voice mail, anybody know how to do that from a voice mail?

Who's a dumb ass?

I gave him one job, stop by the store and get condoms on the way over. When he walked through the door with the purple box I said "what's with the purple box, you know we use the blue?"

He said it would be fine, he was sure these were the right ones, we use the purple kind.

So. Fucking. Wrong.

It's his body that is horribly allergic to certain types of condoms, not mine. Why am I in charge of knowing what will and will not make him scream out in pain? I do not want to always be in charge of protection, it's expensive.

Fight through the pain mister, fight through the pain.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Fun with pictures...

Mess with me at the office and this is what happens to you the next time you leave early on a Friday afternoon.

This was crafted especially for Scott, my super cute coworker who loves to play practical jokes. I cannot wait to see his face when he comes in the office tomorrow. He always says everybody loves him....... now he knows for sure.

The picture really does not do the project justice- there are icky little pink and purple hearts (what were you thinking Post-it?) on every surface of his workstation, in the pages of his books, in every drawer, covering the walls and lining the trash can. Muhahahaha.

I also thought you would appreciate this little gem that was on the bathroom wall of the fine establishment that Pixel and I went to last night. It is pretty bad when you have to ask 'ladies' not to put their panties in the trash can. I mean really, leave them in the backseat like I do. Super classy.

I trust you all had a good weekend.... hooray for rain!!!!

Friday, January 20, 2006

Shameful behavior

I am very disappointed in the results of last night’s Beauty and the Geek.

I am even more disappointed in myself for watching such nonsense. I blame Courtney and her evil reality tv watching ways. She shall be punished.

The girls that they have on that show should be shot in the head, although I fear the bullets would rattle around in those empty caverns something fierce. Some of the geeks really do it for me however. Especially the one that got eliminated last night, he was a cutie.

I stayed home last night again. This behavior has got to stop ASAP.

Work sucks, send money.

Oh, and for those of you who live here in Texas or in Oklahoma that smoke and think it is ok to throw your cigarette out the car window, may your house be the next to burn down. They said on the news last night that 99% of these hellish fires we have been seeing are caused by careless behavior. You assholes. My coworker admitted that she threw one out this morning. What a cunt.

Move along.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Bah

I had a horrible 'send me to the hospital' allergic reaction at happy hour last night. So. Not. Fun.

I am better now but it is freaking me out. We have no idea what caused the reaction, I guess a trip to the doctor is in order.

Tha't it, that's all I've got. Work is kicking my ass, send me money so I don't have to work.

If I haven't commented on your blog it's not because I don't love you anymore (except for you, you know who you are) it's just because I've been busy.

I missed HNT huh? I will make it up to you somehow.

Be good.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Shut up, I think it's funny

So I have this guy's lighter and have since well before Christmas. We have been joking in IM about how I have been holding it for ransom. Here was today's conversation:

Jim: ok... I'm done for the day
Stephanie: so we are thinking 6 at the chilis on beltline
Stephanie: you can smoke in the bar
Jim: cool...
Stephanie: mary is joining us, danielle is sick
Stephanie: i will bring your lighter but be prepared, she has had a rough time at my house
Stephanie: she has seen things,,,, bad bad things
Jim: yeah... uh oh
Jim: I might need to give her some counseling
Stephanie: yeah, you should be prepared to do that
Jim: I'll say... "show me where the bad girl touched you..." :)
Stephanie: lol
Stephanie: she will never tell, of this i am sure
Jim: probably won't surface until she gets ready leave home
Stephanie: she had better not tell..... God help her she had better not tell

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

It’s all so very boring.

For those of you who said my life sounds like a sitcom, what the hell are you thinking?? Perhaps back when I was going out every night and juggling several men, but these days I’m just hanging around the house. What happened to my wild 3some days? I’m very disappointed in myself.

See, I don’t even have anything to talk about.

OK, there is one thing. Saturday night Pixel and I were at the porn store perusing the toy aisles and a guy came up behind me and brushed his body lightly across the back if mine. Pixel was on the next aisle and I was asking her what one toy did (I really have no idea on some of them, and before you ask I don't think I want to) and he asked me what I needed with toys when he was there. Gross. Super. Extra. Gross. The cashier told me that he was shocked at that guy’s boldness. Perhaps if I had been hanging out in the ‘arcade’ area making lusty eye contact with every man, woman and child that walked in his talking to me would have been acceptable, otherwise not so much. Just like I don’t like people looking in my cart in the grocery store, I don’t want some tiny 21 YO Asian man looking at my sex toys and asking to play along. Can’t a girl buy personal massagers get any peace anymore? What has this world come to?

People do not hook up in porn stores…. Ok let me amend that, people that look like me and my friends don’t hook up in porn stores, I’m almost positive.

Which brings me to my next point – sex toys are too expensive and I think y’all should give me money to buy them. Just a thought. Maybe I will be less bitchy? One can always hold out hope….

Oh, and Paul's an ass.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Paul update, he's an ass.

Just a quick update because I am crabby driven by lack of sleep this weekend:

Paul and I had a text message conversation that went like this:

P- U up for a fuck
Me- Did you get my messages Tues?
P- Yes
Me- And?
P- And I’m working 8 n 9 days straight and I’m tired
Me- Can we try to not make plans and break them with no call?
P- If u don’t understand tell me and Ill stop calling
Me- I get what we r doing here, remember I helped make up the rules- I just don’t like waiting up 4 somebody that’s not gonna show, my head skills r 2 refined 4 that
P- So u wanna fuck?
Me- Come over in 15

So he got to my house and went to sit down on the couch and I told him not to bother because I didn't have anything to say to him. We went to the bedroom, had the best sex we have ever had, and as soon as we were done I rolled over and told him I wanted to go to sleep since I was going out later and needed a nap. I closed with “I think you know where the door is, go let yourself out.”

So that’s how it’s gonna be until I find somebody to replace him….

Y’all be good, maybe more later.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Boring

Nothing exciting going on here. I hung out with the girls last night until about 10 then I had a conversation with Pix that went something like this:

Me- I want to have sex, I’m going to call Pablo (the 21 YO) and have him come over.
Pix- You haven’t had sex with him yet, you cant tonight, it has to be with someone you have already fucked
Me- OK, I’m calling Damien (another 21 YO)
Pix- OK
(later)
Me- He’s sorry but he has to work tonight, what the hell am I going to do?!? I’m going to call The Suit
Pix- The sex wasn’t good enough to bring him back in, remember how you hate the way he looks at you?
Me- Yeah. Dammit.
Pix- Looks like no sex for you tonight, unless you call Paul.
Me- Bah- never.
(5 minutes later)
Me- Tell me I’m the master
Pix- Why?
Me- Ha, my cute neighbor Hector is coming over for drinks
Pix- You are the queen
Me- I can have sex if I want and all it took was walking out to the parking lot
Pix- Good for you
Me- I am the master

I did not have sex with him, or anything of the sort, but he did a good job of distracting me by talking until I got sleepy enough to forget about fucking.

He said something that struck me as odd – along the lines of ‘she’s not like us, she has emotions.’ Like us? I have emotions, I just choose not to showcase them to everybody.

Applications for new fuck buddy are now being taken at the front desk. Qualified applicants only. ;)

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Sorry I'm late


Here you go. I wanted to do something cool with this pic, but I don't have time.

Today is sucking for somebody I care for, wish us all luck. Cryptic I know.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Ugggggg....

Every time I drink these days I get sick. What the hell is up with that? I haven't been drinking more than usual- it is all very odd. I would love it if somebody would come by my desk and put me out of my misery right now. No seriously, please.....

Cuban Boy called me last night while I was at happy hour. He was very chatty and friendly, it was annoying.

I have not heard from Paul yet, I am not really suprised. He has three of my movies and I want them back. I don't know...

Bah @ the world.

Fuck

I am the pinnacle of restraint when it comes to drunk dialing - I never, ever do it.

Until last night.

I'm pretty sure I screwed things up with Paul, which might be for the best in the end anyway.

The offense?

"U have been a shitty fuck buddy lately, what the hell is up with that?"

Followed up with "Don't bother to come over tonight."

Goodness me, perhaps I should stay away from tequila??

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Oh gosh.....

Somebody let me go in to Baby Gap and now I want one (a baby, not a store silly.)

I know that's crazy talk and I would miss all of the booze and the wild nights out, but dammit those little booties and the tiny little hats are so darn cute.

I'm sure lunch with The Suit will curtail all motherly instincts that are gnawing their way out of my body. Let us hope so anyway.

I managed to sunburn my entire body last night. Ever had your eyelids burnt to a crisp? So. Not. Fun. Nipples, who needs nipples? They are merely the body’s equivalent of flair, right? Ahhhhhh to be one of those girls that can go without a bra and not look like a freak. I will be better tomorrow, I do this frequently. The painful price we pay to not look pale and sickly.

So I have lunch plans with The Suit today, doesn’t that sound like a good idea? I haven’t seen him since before Christmas, so I’m sure he will have lots to tell me. We set up this little rendezvous last week over IM, so when he called me last night I was a little caught off guard. To be honest with you it was nice to hear his voice, to hear someone tell me how much he misses talking to me every day. I promise not to get sucked back in y’all.

Nothing exciting going on here. For those of you who asked, the new doggie is working out quite well. It is hard having a deaf dog, it makes correcting him very difficult. He likes to chase the cat (oh she just loves me right now) and will get in the trash if I am not careful, but he makes a nice little companion. He does this weird thing that makes me really sad for him, when he is going to sleep and when I am getting ready for work he buries his head in a blanket and sucks on it. There is no chewing, he just puts it in his mouth and whines a little until he falls asleep. I looked it up (what did we do before the net?) and apparently this is common behavior in dogs that have been displaced and have been through a shelter. Poor little guy.

So there you have it. Tonight is tequila Tuesday at a local bar, so I will be heading over with some of my fun coworkers. Thank God for tequila!!!

Monday, January 09, 2006

If you really love me...

You will read all 65,000 posts I had today.

Sorry for being so verbose, you know how I can get when I am bored.

Fun with email on company time.....

Pixel: And I have fat arms.

Moi: Not my best picture either, come to think of it none of us look really great. It’s a conspiracy I say, a conspiracy.

I do not have the slightest interest in being here today. Must go home, must drink (maybe- I got really drunk last night but felt surprisingly well this morning.)

I really need to find a new friend with benefits, Paul just isn’t cutting it. If he does not call tonight or tomorrow night (his days off) I will be forced to kill him, but only after sleeping with his brother and best friend first. A girl has needs, needs that are not being met, and that have not been met this year. OMG. That’s 9 days, counting NYE 10. OMG. I might actually physically die. Die I tell you, then won’t he feel bad about himself?? Ha, that will teach him.

Who’s leg do I have to hump to get a bottle of water delivered to my desk around here? I need a work minion, that’s the ticket.

I’m going to put an ad on Craigslist that says “Cool girl looking for Paul’s replacement in North Dallas. To be true to his character you must be totally selfish, hard to get a hold of, stingy with the compliments, and super cute and big and strong.”

Think that will work?

Bah @ the world.

Pixel:
I am afraid that ad would work frighteningly well. Post it, let’s see the weirdos come out of the wood work. Might help the day pass faster at least.

Today is so freaking boring. I am struggling to come up with something to do that will take me outside the office. It is so boring here. I can go to Vancouver not only for no money, but with only taking two vacation days. Rock on. C is hooking me up with a hotel room, so I don’t even have to stay with him if I don’t want to.

Attorney wants to move my divorce date to Thursday. Doesn’t he know this must be done as soon as possible. Oh well, he is free. Although he mentioned me bringing money to the courts. What else could they possibly need?

I also drank too much last night, threw up and felt fine this morning. Ha, I beat the bad consequences, well almost, that proves drinking is not bad.

There is a new country song out determined to prove that all people who listen to country music are idiots, damn them. It is called Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk. Not sure on the spelling since it is a made up word.

My MP3 players holds four songs. Five if they are all short.

And I made cookies, can you believe it, from scratch.

I am not staying in at all this weekend. I might even sleep outside.

Moi:
I cannot believe you are really going to go to Vancouver to be with a stranger that has a coke problem. You are a complete weirdo. The best we can hope for is that his freezer is full from the last American girl he hacked up and he will have no room to store your body parts, and therefore will let you live another year until he needs more chili meat.

So Joey of the “worst night out with lawyers ever (you still owe me)” is wanting to move it out? Maybe that means that J won’t show up? That would be great. I can always arrange to have his legs broken as well (that was a joke Big Brother, and I am a virgin if you were wondering about those other emails and that silly blog) if you need me to.

Drinking is obviously not bad seeing as how we did not suffer the consequences attached with overindulging. Yea us. We are pro’s (that cant be a good thing.)

These cookies of which you speak, what the hell were you thinking? This is wildly unacceptable behavior and will not be tolerated. I insist on slovenly behavior at all times.

Your MP3 player sucks, I need an IPod so bad I can taste it (and it surprisingly enough tastes like whiskey.)

Oooooooo @ that sleeping outside, but what is this sleep of which you speak? That is so not on the menu for next weekend, right?????

Moi:
Oh, and I am considering calling Damien.

Pixel:
No calling Damien. He is named after the son of the devil for goodness sakes. Here in the biz, we call that a sign of evil to come. Take heed.

Mio:
Now see at first I read that as “take head” to which I was going to reply “he will do so gladly.”

It’s not like I want to have a child with him, I just need to use his, ummmm, appendages for a while. No harm no foul.

Pixel:
You can buy those appendages without having a man attached. Quite frankly, some days I am positive that is the way to go

Moi:
Meh, they just don’t do it for me anymore.

For every minute you don’t send me a picture of that puppy another kitten will die. Fuzzy, cute little kittens are dying and it’s all your fault.

Somebody needs to die a slow and painful death

I came home at lunch to find a lease violation notice on my door. It seems that it is a terrible, terrible offense to have a mop on my patio, and if I don't remove it by tomorrow I will be fined $50 a day until I do so.

Oh. My. Gawd.

That is the one and only item on my patio, a lonely little mop.

Bastards.

Monday

I don’t have much today since I posted yesterday in a fit of inspiration brought on by my new corset (I love it so very much.)

Nothing exciting this weekend, I’m trying to stay in more, drink less, and save money for the myriad of vacations that I have planned for this year. I am walking in to this new year with 140 hours of vacation (yea rollover) and almost another week in floating holidays and whatnot. That leaves me with quite a bit of time to lay on a beach and corrupt young men.

Perhaps I will feel inspired later, for now I suppose I shall try this ‘working’ thing for a few hours.

Y’all be good, and if you can’t please post pictures ASAP.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, the 'date' was her attempt to suck me in to the scary world of selling cosmetics. There was so much 'rah-rah' going on at the event that I almost choked on my own vomit. Bleh. I am so not perky enough to drive a pink Cadillac.

PS - I am thinking about changing my profile pic to a Sleestak, would that be bad? Remember Land of the Lost?

Sunday, January 08, 2006

What does every single girl need more of???

Why lingerie of course....... corsets specifically.

I saw this on Saturday and knew I had to have it. When I tried it on when I got home I was tempted to lay around the house in it all day and drink champagne and eat bon bons. Perhaps this afternoon.

I have the best HNT entry that you will EVER see from me on the horizon. Hehehe... y'all had better come back Thursday.

Enough fanfare, here is it...
Oh, and while at a thrift store I saw a baby tee that said 'Club Vibe' on it and spent a whole dollar on it because I like to think it refers to my vibrator collection and not some cheesy club in Dallas that died a horrible death.

Muhahahaha.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Lesbian love

OK so apparently it is weird that I met a woman in the grocery store and now have plans to go somewhere with her on a Saturday morning. I’ve never seen myself as being the least bit naive, I just assumed that she was looking for female friends just like I am. Pixel and all of my coworkers think that I have agreed to a date with a woman. Stephanie the lesbian, I think it could work.

It goes hand in hand with the text message I sent last Friday – “A very butch woman just hit on me, oh yeah, I’ve still got it.” The difference was that I didn’t give her my phone number. Did I not think twice about the situation because the grocery store woman was very attractive and not at all ‘butch?’ Hmmmm. I am still going to go (you boy’s can get those dirty thoughts out of your head, nothing is going to happen. Or will it???)

Girls night out last night was such a blast and I met some really nice people. It is odd going out in a large group of women however, I was a little stunned at the amount of money I spent without the aide of men buying a few of my drinks. I know that sounds bad, but $75 in drinks is really out of control.

Please don’t misconstrue what I am saying, I do not go out with the intention of getting men to buy me drinks (I am so not that girl,) and there are many times that I refuse them or buy them one or two in return. I think the difference was the bar we were at last night the drinks run $7-$9 each, and the men that go there usually refuse the return drinks. I don’t go there often at all.

I need to shut up now, I apparently still have enough Patron in my system to make me a blithering idiot (like that’s something new.)

Y’all have a good weekend.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

HNT

I'm wearing this sweater today. I love it.

There you go.

That is all, move along. (I may be back later.)

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Piss-eeeeee

I am in the worst mood ever today.

Plans fell through last night and frankly I am tired of that happening. This is yet another indicator that I need to make a concerted effort to find new people to hang out with.

I have taken a few steps to make this happen, I am meeting up with a group of random girls on Thursday for happy hour, and am going to an event on Saturday morning with a very nice lady I met at the grocery store (apparently I can meet people anywhere.) I am on the fence about her since when we talked this morning she informed me that I have to be somewhere at 9 am on a Saturday morning, and she told me that a skirt would be appropriate. I said that was fine, but she was not to have any expectations of my being nice and/or chipper at such an early time. And the skirt I wear will be slutty. Fuck, I don’t have any slutty skirts (sorry to disappoint Todd.)

Moving on, I have decided to focus my wrath on my fellow coworkers. I have decided to hate those girls who apply makeup in the bathroom in the afternoon. What the hell are they doing that their makeup has been so severely damaged that they have to reapply eye liner at 2 in the afternoon? We work in an office for goodness sake, not the salt mine (where I am sure eye liner is strictly forbidden.) There is this one skinny little twig that is all blonde and perfect and is always in there, her jaw set in concentration as she delicately brushes blusher on her cheeks. I don’t even own blusher dammit. That’s ok, my mom and that guy down at the liquor store tell me I’m pretty without it, but I don’t know how much I can trust their word ‘cause I’m pretty sure he drinks, and my mom is genetically obligated to tell me I’m pretty no matter what.

Speaking of the liquor store guy, I recently cheated on my regular guy with another store. I am riddled with guilt, riddled I say. The worst part is this clerk at the new store is better with the compliments, and he branches out from using the word ‘pretty’ and hit one out of the park with his usage of ‘stunning’ the other night. What girl doesn’t want to be called stunning? I do, I do. I will keep going back to the first guy because he can offer my Crown Royal for $4 cheaper than anybody else, but I will continue to have wistful, bad thoughts about going back to the other guy every once in a while I’m sure. Maybe I will ask him to expand his repertoire, would that be bad? Mix it up a little bit to keep my attention, whatever it takes to save the relationship, right?

Yeah, I need to get a life.

Somebody buy me something shiny quickly.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

How could I forget?

Two things:

Sammy the cutest/sweetest Cocker Spaniel ever barks at Paul when he is naked (when Paul is naked, not Sammy- quit your crazy talk.)

My neighbor the 'security officer' was walking down the middle of the street waving around a shotgun and yelling at people who were coming home to go inside when I got home New Years Eve. I sent a note to the office telling them that this kind of behavior is unacceptable, and if I ever witness anything of this magnitude again that I would call the proper authorities. I can expect to be evicted soon I suppose. :) Oh well.

Loquacious (as usual)

Text message conversation with Paul Friday:

P- I’m off work now
Me- Tell work I said “Please excuse Paul from working until midnight as it will make it hard 4 me 2 suck his dick”
P- I will be sure 2 do that.
Me- For a second there I was thinking “O gosh I hope I replied to the right person”
P- That’s so fucked up
Me- It happens and you know it
P- Wanna fuck later?
Me- No fucking cause God hates me, but if u r impatient then head’s always an option cause I’m nice (aren’t you lucky)
P- I am lucky and I’m so there

When he got to my house he told me that the highlight of his 2005 was fucking on the hood of my Jeep in the alley of a random residential neighborhood. Hot. Sigh. Whatever.

I wish....

Horoscope:

"You're so darned sociable that it's often tough to make a date with you. Still, if you want to find the time for someone, you'll find it -- and there's someone you'd cancel just about anything to be with now. The good news is that they're feeling the same way. Suggest that you two blow off the rest of the world and devote the next 24 hours to each other -- period. Bet you don't get any arguments."

There is no way I can tell him.

Items of note from New Years Eve

A man with a handle bar mustache hit on me. It was long and waxed and very, very icky.

I walked by a couple and the man stopped me and said “OMG how about this one?” to his wife and she replied “absolutely not.” Pixel thinks they were looking for a 3some partner and I was vetoed by the wife. Ewwwww, as if.

Three men stopped me and told me I was pretty and they really wanted to put their faces in my cleavage. How very classy is that? The one that stopped me had his hand on the back of my neck in a really tight drunken grip and I was slightly concerned for my safety.

Blake Shelton has very pretty eyes, we were about 3 feet away from the stage.

A woman in the concert crowd told me to put my arm down because she couldn’t see and I refused on principle, and because she was a cunt. She punched me in the stomach as Pixel and I were heading for the bar. It didn’t hurt because there wasn’t enough room for her to get a good swing, but I was obviously pissed anyway.

New plan going forward- New Year’s party at my house, no rednecks allowed.

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