Items of Note

Well there goes my appetite and their self respect

2006-04-11T10:44:00.000-07:00

I am appalled by the show "The Girls Next Door." Appalled I tell you.

You all know that I do not have cable, or even get the local channels for that matter, so today was the first time I encountered this little nugget of nastiness.

The girls that participate in the nonsense that is the Playboy mansion need to be shot.

Watching those plastic pieces of patheticness (yes I made up a word dammit) made me sick to my stomach (no chance in hell that was the Golden Corral (gross) from this afternoon, surely you jest.)

They each need to be shot in their empty little heads. No really, they do.

The thought of one of these idiots sucking his withered, diseased penis is enough to make me give up sex for good (well almost enough.)

I can imagine that reverse cowgirl is a very highly sought after position with this crowd - "If I can't see his face maybe I can pretend I climbed aboard David Hasselhoff (yes, even HE is a better sexual partner choice.)"

The worst part is they have to pretend to be HAPPY about doing it. There are not enough drugs in the world that would make me receptive to his old man stank.

I can see it now: "Really? OMG, he wants ME TONIGHT? I just can't wait to see all of that wrinkled old man flesh up close and personal, so very sexy. It makes me feel so special, being picked out like a lobster in a tank. I hope the herpes sores are gaping and oozing tonight, that just adds to his natural manly taste!!!" (bounce bounce.)

The best I can hope for is that one day while he (the Devil that is Hugh) will be fucking one of these brainless wastes of human flesh and her implant will explode and they will both drown in a pool of silicone.

This is in no way to be taken as an anti porn/dirty magazine rant, you all know I likes me some porn. Bring on the boobs (even the fake ones) and debauchery, just don't insult my intelligence by telling me that even one of those girls 'loves' (oh yes sir they used that word) him and looks forward to grinding her pelvis in to his.

Its all so sick.

Somebody needs to put these bunnies in a pot and boil them on the stove*, it makes just about as much sense as this show does.

Well there goes my appetite and their self respect.

*No this is not an actual instruction to go out and kill bunnies of any sort you sick sick person.

The Promotion

2006-03-28T08:46:00.000-08:00

A certain somebody has gotten a promotion that is making it impossible for her to blog anymore.

I am very sorry, maybe I can update on the weekends if my life ever becomes interesting again.

Chances are I will be working non stop now, so there will be no more sexcapades and boozing, they look down on those things in the world of corporate finance. I will try to find time to still comment on your blogs however.

Thanks for all of the fun!

2006-03-20T11:39:00.000-08:00

What the hell is going on with blogger?

I've got nothing to report- it rained all weekend so I stayed in. Now I'm back at work and it sucks.

Isn't that all very exciting?

2006-03-15T16:29:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry, I haven't been feeling well so there is nothing to report. Life is boring when you spend all of your time sitting on the couch with a stinky little Cocker Spaniel watching British gangster movies. I'm seriously beginning to think I could make my living trafficking drugs...... they make it look so easy.

As soon as I am back to normal I am sure there will be stories that involve booze, hookers and that one armed man (couldn't resist E.)

I am still thinking about going and seeing my boy in Austin this weekend. Yes, I said my boy... shut your pie hole.

One of my stupid coworkers scheduled her wedding on Friday - St Patrick’s Day- she damn well better have green beer or there will be hell to pay. I hope to God they have those disposable cameras on every table..... I have so much fun with those. Muhahahaha.

You know you missed me

2006-03-09T13:29:00.000-08:00

Have you all missed me? Have you? I thought not.

Things have been crazy- work is kicking my ass, life is kicking it again for good measure.

There is a new boy, a boy that my girlfriends are mocking me about, telling me that I am smitten. Screw them, I don't do smitten.

Ok, maybe they are a tiny bit right (do you have any idea how hard that is for me to admit?) Damn you girls. Damn you both.

Tomorrow night we are going back to the male strip club, should be fun. Dry humping will abound.

Saturday during the day we will be hanging out on Greenville for the St Patty's Day festivities- those of you here in Dallas had better take cover. There will be green beer, there will be apple martinis, and there will be nudity galore (although I'm sure we won't be participating in any of that seeing as how we are good girls and all.)

No time to chat, just checking in.

Try to be good.

The weekend

2006-03-06T11:55:00.000-08:00

The weekend was fairly low key (I know, oh so disappointing.) Friday night I was the biggest dork EVER and went with a coworker to make cards (my new obsession.) We stayed at the scrap booking place until midnight – midnight I tell you.

One of my male coworkers drunk texted me, that was pretty sweet. I have been giving him a hard time about it all day.

Saturday E and I went out and hit a couple of bars. I met a new dating prospect- Jeff. He’s totally different from all of the other men I have been with lately, its rather refreshing. He is tall (6’4) blonde, blue eyes- and just as sweet as he can be. We went out to dinner last night and then back to the bar where we met. He introduced me to all of his friends there (other regulars)- lots of fun. It looks like he might drink a little more than I do which is a bad thing. We will see. We are going out again tonight. Yummy.

Now comes the good part – imagine the most inappropriate conversation you have ever had with a stranger and multiply that by 10 and that would be my little talk with my upstairs neighbor and his friend that was visiting Saturday night/Sunday morning.

I had some male company Saturday night after the bars- actually it was Sunday morning since E and I closed down the bar at 2 am. Anyway, apparently I was really, really loud between the hours of 3:30 and 6:30. And then again at 10. The visitor from upstairs stopped me as I was coming in from walking the dog last night and asked if he could talk to me. I knew where it was headed – he asked me if I had a good time that morning and if I was ok. I was so fucking embarrassed.

As it turns out he wasn’t lecturing me as much as trying to get me to let him give it a go- apparently I sounded like I knew what I was doing. Then he offered me cocaine. That is so typical of the apartments I live in. I gently declined his offer and told him I would try to keep it down in the future. What a freak!!!!!

I watched 40 Year Old Virgin this weekend – I got to say I don’t understand what all of the hype was about, not so funny.

That is all – could I be any more random?

So not pleasant

2006-03-03T09:27:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night that I was drowning and was startled out of sleep by a noise that seemed so much like the death rattle that jolted me up in my father’s hospital room the night he died that for a second I was confused and convinced that I was experiencing his death watch all over again. I was terrified and sleepless for the rest of the night.

The whole experience of his death came washing back over me like a wave and I found myself laying on my couch breathing like I did while lying in that cot next to his bed those last few hours– his breaths were so shallow and far between that I my lungs couldn’t keep up, I got dizzy with the effort.

Last night I walked through every moment of the night he died in my mind. I remember walking over to his bed and leaning close to his sunken face to confirm he was no longer breathing. I remember walking back over to the cot and carefully folding each blanket and sheet like it was of up most importance, as if I didn’t know that they would bundle them up along with the linens from his bed and toss them in the industrial washer along with the harsh chemicals that would wash away the very last bit of sweat that his body ever produced. There was the walk down that long hall to get the nurse who followed me back, nodding her agreement that he was gone, she called the time of death as 2:36 I believe. The call to my sister and mom to tell the to come back up to the hospital…... I was so exhausted and drained, part of me wonders how I could even dial the phone.

Last night as I curled up deeper in to the cushions of the couch and covered my head with the fluffy down comforter, I couldn’t drown out the sound of the ticking of a clock- a ticking that pounded away the seconds like the one that was in his room. I don’t have a clock with a second hand in my house because they remind me of how I would watch that one and count the seconds between his breaths there at the end, but last night I heard it so clearly.

When I think about that time in my life- that week I spent in the hospice specifically– I feel wretchedly hollow, there is a hole inside of me that will never be filled.

I spoke with my sister this morning and the odd thing was just yesterday afternoon she cleaned out his car because she sold it – she said it was hard to do and seemed surreal. We are so mentally linked that I am sure that is the reason I was thinking about him so much last night.

Happy Hour(s)

2006-03-02T09:01:00.000-08:00

I went to HH with my coworkers last night and it was out of control!

First and foremost, I parked next to a brand new bright shiny red Ferrari F430 Spider- I was very excited (yes I’m a dork.) It was a shame that such an old man has a car like that….

Anywho, it was the perfect afternoon to sit outside and enjoy a beer. I think the temperature here yesterday was in the high 80’s and there was a light breeze- simply brilliant!

We were there for hours and it turned out to be one of those times where you bond with your coworkers, so much to the point where some of us are not making eye contact this morning. There are some things you don’t need to know about the guy that sits next to you – mainly his penis size. J Scott looks a little hang dog this morning (although he shouldn’t be.)

There was a very drunk woman that kept invading my personal space – she actually asked me to smell her hair at one point. I hate to be touched by strangers and at one point she had looped her arm in to mine and I about fell out of my chair.

Lesson learned: always eat of you are going to be drinking for 5-6 hours. I’m a little shaky this morning – but the boss was a peach and brought in Chick-Fil-A chicken biscuits, so all is well.

That is all for now, I must work, they keep insisting I do that. Meanies.

Be good.

This is me today

2006-03-01T10:26:00.000-08:00

Boring

2006-02-27T11:14:00.000-08:00

The weekend was boring - not much to report.

I missed Donnie Darko Friday night because it felt like a gnome had crawled in to my belly and was pulling at my insides with a rusty coat hanger. All I wanted to do was die - die I tell you.

Saturday was fun- I was domestic and made greeting cards with my sister and her friends.

I then met up with E and C and went shopping (somebody should create a kid/teen free mall- oh God I'm old.) We got makeovers and had lunch and giggled and were generally obnoxious. A good time was had.....

We hit a couple of bars that night and stayed out WAY too late, but what can you do?

Sunday morning C and I made our way back to the IHOP where my boyfriend 'Bobby Joe of the jerry curl mullet' works and gorged ourselves on pancakes and hashbrowns. Bobby Joe wanted to know why I didn't call him, I let him down easy and told him my man didn't like me talking to other boys. Other boys that have no teeth and a jerry curl (how do you spell that? is it jerry?) mullet that is. He was crushed... :)

I pissed A off with a series of 3 am text messages, I will spend this evening trying to make it better.

Nothing else to report.

Friday!!!

2006-02-24T10:54:00.000-08:00

I met a new boy at WalMart last night (I know, what was I thinking?) He's cute- a little younger than me, but seems cool.

We appear to have a lot in common based on our conversation last night, but I fear he might be looking for a fuck buddy and I don't have any openings right now.

He would be a nice diversification for my male portfolio, seeing how all of my other boys right now are of color and Scott is white.

What's on the agenda for tonight you ask with bated breath? Donnie Darko at midnight, that's what. Very exciting stuff.

Have a sin filled weekend and I will try to do the same.

Email Addresses

2006-02-23T14:09:00.000-08:00

I need them from a few of you ladies please:

Andi

Hot Sam from Sam's Stories

B from The Funky Bee

Steph from Attention Whore

AMS from Its All Fun and Games

Molly

No spam I promise.

You can send 'em to texasprincess28@gmail.com

Thanks!

She's in love with a stripper

2006-02-23T09:37:00.000-08:00

Last night was lots of fun, naked men and $1 beer is so the way to go for that boring Wednesday. Hump day indeed- and that’s exactly what those boys did. They humped the stage, chairs that were brought on stage, women when given half a chance (nobody in my group ‘cause the $5 table dances were too rich for our cheap blood) and most importantly- each other in the back after each set (pure speculation of course.)

There was a routine that involved a power tool (only 2 girls tipped him,) a couple that centered around fire (fire bad, naked good- very good) and the cutest Risky Business boy ever. I must admit I had a little baby oil on various parts of my body by the time I left.

A tip for all of you aspiring dancers out there, don't correct me when I misidentify the band in one of your songs, I might be tempted to snatch that dollar right back out of your g-string. You are to be seen, not heard, do you understand?

Oh, and I know of a certain nay-sayer who is now in love with a stripper......E what do you have to say for yourself???

One of the guys looked so much like EB that I was scared it was him for a brief moment. Wouldn't that be great- run in to the the guy I was an asshole to?

Paul called me back in response to my “I need u 4 a little while later” text and informed me that he was attacked at work (not totally unusual considering what he does for a living – don’t ask because I won’t tell) and had a few days off so he went out of town to see his daughter. I fucking hate his job.

We have plans tonight, assuming he doesn’t cancel, one never knows.

I’ve got nothing else to share- I’ve become so boring. When did this happen?

Y’all be good.

Silly boys

2006-02-22T11:06:00.000-08:00

No matter who it is, when an ex calls you and tells you that he "just wants you to be happy and he thinks he's the one that can make you" it pulls at your heart strings a little.

Just a little.

OK a lot.

I have nothing exciting to report. There is some drama at work, but it is all in my favor, as usual. When I rule the world (or at least the corporate world) I will keep you all in mind. Especially you- you know who you are.

We are going to the male strip club tonight, anybody wanna join? I'm not so much a fan of the baby oil slicked up bodies, but if it makes C happy I'm on board. Well that and the $1 beer. Gotta love the $1 beer.

Paul and A have both been working too much and it does not please me one bit.

I'm sorry life has drained the snark right out of me.

Todd- email me please, I can't locate your email address. I have some special lovin set aside for you. :)

I'm counting down the days to the Donnie Darko midnight showing - I will finally get to meet Non girlfriend!!!!!! Andi, still can't join?

Where is Ago-go?

Best day ever

2006-02-21T10:47:00.000-08:00

We like to call Monday “the best day ever.” We celebrated the hell out of President’s Day.

It began with me sending a text to E and C that went something like this: “The toothless waiter at IHop thinks I’m ‘real purty’- aren’t I special?”

Fast forward 15 minutes, C calls and says her 10:30 appointment cancelled, she’s on her way to meet me at IHop. She arrives, takes one look at Robert Joe the toothless waiter with a jerry curl mullet and bursts out on hysterical laughter- I sure do know how to pick ‘em. She misses my cue to pretend she’s my significant other and prods the toothless wonder on to flirt with me more. The check arrives and I am blessed with one bill for $16 and a brand new shiny phone number for my suitor- he didn’t even comp my eggs dammit.

Moving on, C and I head over to the fancy mall – the one with Tiffany, Nordstrom and Sacks- and proceed to pull out our best hick accents and hit up Betsey Johnson and try on $200 sunglasses and shoes. We then move on to Sacks where I purchase my perfume I have been lusting after since I ran out last year- Angel Innocent (fitting isn’t it?)

Total spent so far: $96

We move on to Nordstrom where C tries on the cutest shirt ever, but it is over $200 so we move on, but not before making the saleslady almost pee herself thinking we were seriously going to buy items from the “special occasion’ section.

Then we hit Sephora- damage done $27. A miracle indeed.

Revised total: $123

We then left the mall to take my stinky dog to the groomer. I dropped him off with the instructions to give him a Cocker Spaniel cut, and we loaded our happy asses back in the car and headed back to Sephora for our makeover appointments.

We were made up like drag queens by the lovely ladies at Sephora and walked out of there $130 lighter.

New total: $253

Then it was off to get manicures at the spa in the mall. 20 lovely French manicured fingers later we decided it was time for drinks. 2 manicures- $70

Revised total: $323

We went to Mi Cocina for margaritas – we met Tina the hairdresser there, we now have appointments with her Saturday for cuts and color, and we also met a Cuban man with lot’s of crazy gold jewelry that assured us he wasn’t married – as if we cared. How the hell did we spend $36 there? Oh well, add it to the total:

Total: $359

We then walked across the way to Bennignan’s for shots, where we met two very nice servers from another restraint that promised to hook us up if we came to visit them, so we bought them shots of Patron. I really don’t know what the total was there – 4 shots at $8 each and two beers, let’s call it $40. Oh, and the bartender thought I was lovely, mostly because of my dimples he said. I told him most people call that part of the body breasts, not dimples.

We are up to $399

The time had come to pick the dog up from the groomer. I go inside to find my tough little guy has been completely shaved – he was totally naked and very ashamed. Cocker cut my ass. Cost to spring him from hell $45.

Total $444

It was only 6 at this point, so it seemed like dinner and drinks were in order so we conned two of C’s male friends in to meeting us at Cuba Libre, where shots were consumed and pitchers of mojitos were flowing. Our part of the bill came to just over $100.

Grand total: $544.

Ummmm- what the hell? Apparently I am not allowed to hang out with C during the day. We are on a mission to find men that will hand over their credit cards to facilitate days like this going forward- do I have any applicants out there???

Freak

2006-02-17T10:08:00.000-08:00

Does it disturb you all to know that I am thrilled to now be the proud owner of Cabin Boy on DVD?

I thought it might.

It's the little things that make me happy people, the little things.

Carry on.

2006-02-17T08:44:00.000-08:00

I hate it when I run out of the good stuff.

*sigh*

It's going to be a long weekend (literally even.)

Yucky

2006-02-16T13:06:00.000-08:00

I've eaten far too many sweets today.

Like I'm not already sweet enough without them..... ha.

I'm in a crappy mood, make it better. Now. Please?

Bah.

I need sex, drugs and maybe some rock and roll......

Fucking Thursdays.

Last night

2006-02-15T12:58:00.000-08:00

Is is weird that I sat at home alone and watched some porn that A had left the night before?

I thought it might be.

It seemed like the thing to do at the time, and it was better than any I have in my collection.

Oh well. To each her own, right?

Dreaded VD

2006-02-14T13:44:00.000-08:00

I received flowers at work today - the note said "Happy Valentines Day" and was not signed.

What. The. Hell?

Gross

2006-02-14T08:04:00.000-08:00

My dog (the canine vacuum) ingested a used condom last night. How disgusting is that?

A is simply fantastic at the whole sex thing.

My poor neighbors - maybe I should send them an "I'm sorry I'm so loud during sex" card - does Hallmark make those? Well they should.

Paul?

2006-02-13T13:09:00.000-08:00

The weekend was mostly uneventful. Paul called Friday night and ended up coming over and watching a movie and staying most of the night. I don’t know what to think about what happened – there were some odd moments that were unusual for our relationship. First, we talked for hours. We haven’t done that in a long time. Second, he repeatedly kissed me passionately while we were having sex, any of you that know me know that I don’t do that with fuck buddies. Just thinking about the kisses makes my stomach flutter. Ugggg.

I can’t help but wonder if it didn’t have something to do with my telling him about A entering my life.

I’m being such a girl.

Saturday night I went out with friends- very low key but tons of fun.

I’m hanging out with A tonight. He had better watch out, I’m feeling a bit randy.

I'm losing my will to blog..... just thought you should know.

2006-02-09T08:52:00.000-08:00

One sexy text message and his anger dissolved. I love having that power.

Paul has been replaced and I couldn't be more excited.

The terms were discussed and agreements were made.

I hope he lets me post pictures of his fabulous abs for you all to see.

Have a wonderful day.

Ouch

2006-02-08T08:43:00.000-08:00

A sent a text message yesterday that said “You and I have plans tonight, I will see you at 10.” He has been getting impatient with my constant turn downs of his offers to go out, but he has been asking me out to lunch then dinner every day since we met.

I like a man who takes control and I was impressed with the tone of the text message, so I said ok.

So I went out to dinner with my sister and headed home and took a nap. When I got up from my nap I had the worst headache ever. I took all sorts of medications and nothing would make it go away, so eventually I sent him a message telling him to please not be pissed but I had to cancel.

Pissed didn’t even begin to cover his reaction. He was livid.

He called me and said that he was done making time for me.

This is so not my week when it comes to guys.

I am hated

2006-02-07T08:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was not a good day for me where men are concerned.

I ran in to The Suit in the lobby of my work building – I cheerfully said hello and he looked at me with what I would describe as disgust and shook his head and walked away. So its like that is it? We had made plans to go out to lunch for his birthday a few weeks ago and I blew it off, but we never actually firmed up a date or time so I assumed he forgot. Apparently not.

Then fueled by my torrid flirtation with A I decided to send Paul a text message telling him that I want my copy of Boondock Saints back.

Me: “So did you watch/enjoy the movie cause I’m gonna need it back now.”
Him: “Mom’s really ill I’m at home and will return it when I get back.”

I feel bad about the tone I took now. Oh well, I was going to get it back and tell him he had been replaced anyway. I just felt a little mean about the whole thing.

A wanted to go out last night but I told him I had a date- you have to keep them guessing, right? He contacts me a lot more than I would normally tolerate – I’m hoping its not just a matter of time before his morning noon and night messages begin to really annoy me. Maybe I will tell him that one out of every three messages must include a picture of his abs…..

I’m tired and don’t want to work. Send money.

2006-02-06T10:57:00.000-08:00

Oh, and apparently I will be having a lot of nooners in this relationship- sweet!!

You know it's bad news when I say to Pixel "I think he is a lot more sexual than I am - holy crap!"

Girls gone wild

2006-02-06T07:58:00.000-08:00

The weekend was wild and I feel like Courtney Love looks, and that ain’t good my friends.

Typing isn’t easy, its like all of the keys have moved over one (or 6) spaces.

Friday night was fantastic. A is very, very cute and a mighty fine kisser. I didn’t make it home until 6 am Saturday morning- we stayed up all night and talked. No really, we did. Ask Pixel she was there trying to fend off his cousin.

He is not a soul mate- the theme phrase for the weekend was “I’m a hustler baby.” He has a lot of irons in the fire it seems…. but at least his job is legit.

He was late again Saturday night, but from the second he walked in all of his attention was on me and he more than made up for it. Did I mention the overwhelming cuteness? Oh, and a really big dick (hey, my hand slipped while we were kissing in the club. Seriously.)

There were two things that he did that I thought were totally hot/sweet(?)- the first was he told me when he got to the club he saw me standing there and decided to watch me for a few minutes just to 'take me in' and the second was he kept telling everybody how we met- that he would have always regretted it if he had not pulled back in to talk to me. His line was "she had no idea who she was smiling at."

I called me a lot on Saturday- perhaps a little too much for my taste- but I haven't told him about all of my weirdness yet. I lied and told him that I was going over to my mom’s since I had just spent the entire night with him. At one point he wanted to come over to take a nap with me. Perhaps having a FWB that lives just down the street might not be such a good thing- I was scared I would run in to him all day. Oh well.

The club we met at was cool, it was my 1st time there. It was one of those that was so crowded that you get groped constantly, but what did I care, the time had come for a good groping anyway. Even though I was with A I still managed to go home with 4 new phone numbers and one business card. That’s what too many free shots of Patron will get me!!! I hope I didn‘t give mine out! That’s always comfortable – “Yeah, I have no idea who you are and I spoke to a lot of men Friday night.”

Saturday and Sunday involved evilness of their own, but I don’t have time to go it to it all now. All in all it was like the good old days, but I am paying the price today.

Y’all be good!!

Too little too late

2006-02-03T08:23:00.000-08:00

So he called and said he would be late, then he called again and said he would be even later then I called and said it was too late and I was changing in to my pj’s. He apologized profusely and we are going out tonight.

He sent me the following text this morning:

“Hey mamma, sorry about last night, I owe you big! We can meet tonight at 8 Lounge. Did you sleep well?”

I hate it when people are late. I make the effort to be on time and expect the same of others.

We will see what happens tonight. Bah.

:)

2006-02-02T09:43:00.000-08:00

How long has it been since you have seen me excited over a boy that I just met?

A really, really long time.

I have found Paul’s replacement (assuming everything goes well tonight) and it will be a VERY good thing.

We can call him A for now.

I pulled in to 7-11 yesterday afternoon and as I was getting out of my car I noticed a very attractive man getting in to his, so attractive that it took my breath away a little bit. I gave him a light smile and went inside and watched him pull away. When I walked back outside he pulled back in to the parking lot and motioned for me to come over, so I obliged. He introduced himself and told me I was beautiful and asked if I would be willing to give him my number.

I did, he called me 15 minutes later, we talked and I’m excited.

He asked me what I was looking for, I replied “I’m looking for Paul’s replacement, I’ll fill you in on the details later.”

He sent me a message this morning that said "Hey mamma, good morning, hope your day goes well. Did I run across your mind last night?"

Very interesting.

He is my age, has a good job, lives alone, went to college and is very sexy.

Look at me, is that a smile I see?

Le weekend

2006-01-30T11:33:00.000-08:00

Nothing exciting to see here.

I received date invitations from two different men who are 21 years old and turned both down because I am a good girl. Ok, because I was feeling pissy about Paul. Whatever, the point is I said no.

The weekend was low key- stayed in Friday night and played ball with Sammy thecutestdoggieever and went to bed super early. Oh wait, I did leave the house Friday night – I went and tanned and then took my makeup-free, hair pulled up in a sloppy bun self to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things. Have I mentioned how much I hate Wal-Mart lately, ‘cause I really, really do. Why do people with screaming babies think they are cute? They so aren’t!!!! I am the bitchy person who will say something as I pass…..

Anyway, the semi-cute guy in the self checkout line in front of me ended up paying for my purchase (two eyeshadows and a bottle of water)– all $16 of it. I tried to refuse, but by the time I looked up from the magazine I was looking at the damage was already done. He didn’t ask for my phone number, nada – he just said ‘here you go, have a good night’ and walked out the door. It was so sweet (maybe I looked poor?)

Things like this don’t happen to me, but the timing could not have been any better because I was still feeling the sting from the creepy guy at Chili’s earlier in the week. I guess it’s my turn next time I have some extra money. Good karma – I can use all I can get!

He was buying 6 duffle bags – either he was going to be picking up some major drugs, or he had some heads that needed a place to be stored. Either way…….

Saturday night was girls night in. Wild times, wild times. How did I become the blow job expert in the group? I don’t know how I feel about that….

Sunday I nursed my killer hangover compliments of the strongest Cosmopolitans ever Saturday night – I am no longer in charge of drinks for our girls nights.

I need to get out of the house this week, but have only allotted myself $47 for the rest of the week, so we will see what happens. Maybe I will go out with my 21 year olds….. dating for economics.

Oh, and my group of girls is considering going to New York for Fleet Week. Can you imagine the trouble we could get in? I can......

Fantasizing

2006-01-27T13:03:00.000-08:00

It is a Friday afternoon and I am really, really wanting to go home. I have been fantasizing about how I can hang myself from the ceiling using only tape and paperclips, but I'm pretty sure it is impossible.

Conversation with my boss:

[14:53] Stephanie: ummmmm- can we all leave at 4?
[14:53] Chris: ummmmmmm - why
[14:53] Stephanie: ummmmm- cause it was a hellish week
[14:54] Stephanie: and we gave you a cookie
[14:54] Stephanie: ;)
[14:54] Chris: nice try
[14:54] Chris: do we have anything outstanding that needs to be done
[14:54] Stephanie: meh, dont we always?
[14:54] Stephanie: :)
[14:55] Stephanie: i dont think anything is 'due' today
[14:56] Chris: how about 4:30
[14:56] Chris: is that ok
[14:57] Stephanie: i am speaking with my people about your terms
[14:57] Chris: this is not a democracy
[14:57] Stephanie: we have decided to accept your terms
[14:58] Stephanie: and appreciate your negotiations.
[14:58] Stephanie: you have earned yourself another cookie.
[14:58] Chris: lol
[14:58] Chris: you guys are too much
[14:58] Stephanie: we know.

Creepy

2006-01-26T10:32:00.000-08:00

I went to dinner alone last night and encountered the most bizzare man ever. He scared me to the point that I was afraid to walk to my car alone. He told me that he felt like we were meant to be together, and that he was sure we had met before in a internet chat room, and that we would make pretty babies together. Oh. My. Gawd.

At one point I had to threaten to stab him with my fork if he attempted to touch me again.

I am never going out in public again. He creeped me out so much that I cancelled my evening plans and went home and crawled under the covers.

OK, I will start that new rule after happy hour tonight.

Bah @ the world.

Emotionally unavailable.

2006-01-25T11:27:00.000-08:00

Oh yes, without a shred of doubt I can tell you that I am, but the thought I had while driving home last night after my friends gently told me that I need help (yes I do and I appreciate the concern) is does making yourself emotionally available make you less likely to consider colliding with a tanker truck while you are driving down the freeway? From what I recall the answer to that is no, as a matter of fact that thought surfaces more frequently when I am involved with somebody.

I can recall many, many times when I was engaged that I would be driving home after speaking to my significant other and thought “is any of this worth the pain?“ Obviously in that instance it was not, we are not together anymore. How many couples ‘make it?’ It’s a rarity at best. Why bother? Do the good times outweigh the bad? Who’s to say?

I see people that hold out that hope that the next person they date will be the perfect one that they can spend the rest of their lives with, and each time their hopes are dashed within days, weeks, months- whatever. Again I ask, why bother? If all roads lead to divorce and breakups, then why even bother getting in the car?

You optimists argue all you want- true love and blahblahblah, show me some proof. Nothing is forever.

I actually don’t know that I want my view to change to be honest with you. Everybody is different, right? What if living my life like I am is right for me? Society says that I need to be a part of a couple, but perhaps that’s just not me?

I will go and I will pose these questions to somebody who is qualified to answer them, I will argue my case and if I am crazy (who knows) then I will do whatever it takes to do the right thing for myself mentally. Are my Prozac days to come?

Somebody has to be the crazy cat lady.

Oh, and Courtney Love has been renamed “Wretched scab covered whore.”

And I have been named “the quiet one’ in our circle of friends (you know it’s bad news when I’m the quiet one) – there is also ‘the frisky one’ and ‘huh?’ I’m really glad I’m not ‘huh?’

Bah

2006-01-24T09:15:00.000-08:00

He has all of the power in our ‘relationship’ and it’s driving me crazy.

What man in their right mind does not immediately respond to this text message:

“Did last night’s ‘incident’ scar you cause I could use another round of good hard fucking.”

He sent a reply at 10 this morning that said “Sorry changed back to nights – I’m off Wed how about then?”

Insane. I should get a prompt response to messages like that every time I get the whim to send one, don’t you think?

I was not asking him to take me out on a fancy date (heaven forbid) I simply asked the man to stop by and fuck me in his spare time.

Maddening.

Maybe I just need one for every day? Nah, too much effort.

Now I'm the ass

2006-01-23T15:56:00.000-08:00

Anybody remember EB? He was around last fall and I am the ass that just stopped responding to his text messages and phone calls because I couldn't make myself be attracted to him even though he was super pretty and worshipped the ground I walked on? Yeah, he called.

I'm too lazy to link, so see posts between Sept 12 and October 17.

Oh my what do I do? I feel like such an ass, he probably thinks I'm dead.

He left a voice mail that said that he really misses me (why?) and that he just wants to know what went wrong (I'm an ass) and that even if I don't want to hang out with him he just wants to know I'm ok.

Oh my.

He didn't do anything wrong and I want to call him, but I fear I will start stringing him along again, and that's just not nice.

I am trying to figure out how to post his voice mail, anybody know how to do that from a voice mail?

Who's a dumb ass?

2006-01-23T11:29:00.000-08:00

I gave him one job, stop by the store and get condoms on the way over. When he walked through the door with the purple box I said "what's with the purple box, you know we use the blue?"

He said it would be fine, he was sure these were the right ones, we use the purple kind.

So. Fucking. Wrong.

It's his body that is horribly allergic to certain types of condoms, not mine. Why am I in charge of knowing what will and will not make him scream out in pain? I do not want to always be in charge of protection, it's expensive.

Fight through the pain mister, fight through the pain.

Fun with pictures...

2006-01-22T14:09:00.000-08:00

Mess with me at the office and this is what happens to you the next time you leave early on a Friday afternoon.

This was crafted especially for Scott, my super cute coworker who loves to play practical jokes. I cannot wait to see his face when he comes in the office tomorrow. He always says everybody loves him....... now he knows for sure.

The picture really does not do the project justice- there are icky little pink and purple hearts (what were you thinking Post-it?) on every surface of his workstation, in the pages of his books, in every drawer, covering the walls and lining the trash can. Muhahahaha.

I also thought you would appreciate this little gem that was on the bathroom wall of the fine establishment that Pixel and I went to last night. It is pretty bad when you have to ask 'ladies' not to put their panties in the trash can. I mean really, leave them in the backseat like I do. Super classy.

I trust you all had a good weekend.... hooray for rain!!!!

Shameful behavior

2006-01-20T08:22:00.000-08:00

I am very disappointed in the results of last night’s Beauty and the Geek.

I am even more disappointed in myself for watching such nonsense. I blame Courtney and her evil reality tv watching ways. She shall be punished.

The girls that they have on that show should be shot in the head, although I fear the bullets would rattle around in those empty caverns something fierce. Some of the geeks really do it for me however. Especially the one that got eliminated last night, he was a cutie.

I stayed home last night again. This behavior has got to stop ASAP.

Work sucks, send money.

Oh, and for those of you who live here in Texas or in Oklahoma that smoke and think it is ok to throw your cigarette out the car window, may your house be the next to burn down. They said on the news last night that 99% of these hellish fires we have been seeing are caused by careless behavior. You assholes. My coworker admitted that she threw one out this morning. What a cunt.

Move along.

Bah

2006-01-19T13:43:00.000-08:00

I had a horrible 'send me to the hospital' allergic reaction at happy hour last night. So. Not. Fun.

I am better now but it is freaking me out. We have no idea what caused the reaction, I guess a trip to the doctor is in order.

Tha't it, that's all I've got. Work is kicking my ass, send me money so I don't have to work.

If I haven't commented on your blog it's not because I don't love you anymore (except for you, you know who you are) it's just because I've been busy.

I missed HNT huh? I will make it up to you somehow.

Be good.

Shut up, I think it's funny

2006-01-18T15:01:00.000-08:00

So I have this guy's lighter and have since well before Christmas. We have been joking in IM about how I have been holding it for ransom. Here was today's conversation:

Jim: ok... I'm done for the day
Stephanie: so we are thinking 6 at the chilis on beltline
Stephanie: you can smoke in the bar
Jim: cool...
Stephanie: mary is joining us, danielle is sick
Stephanie: i will bring your lighter but be prepared, she has had a rough time at my house
Stephanie: she has seen things,,,, bad bad things
Jim: yeah... uh oh
Jim: I might need to give her some counseling
Stephanie: yeah, you should be prepared to do that
Jim: I'll say... "show me where the bad girl touched you..." :)
Stephanie: lol
Stephanie: she will never tell, of this i am sure
Jim: probably won't surface until she gets ready leave home
Stephanie: she had better not tell..... God help her she had better not tell

It’s all so very boring.

2006-01-17T10:41:00.000-08:00

For those of you who said my life sounds like a sitcom, what the hell are you thinking?? Perhaps back when I was going out every night and juggling several men, but these days I’m just hanging around the house. What happened to my wild 3some days? I’m very disappointed in myself.

See, I don’t even have anything to talk about.

OK, there is one thing. Saturday night Pixel and I were at the porn store perusing the toy aisles and a guy came up behind me and brushed his body lightly across the back if mine. Pixel was on the next aisle and I was asking her what one toy did (I really have no idea on some of them, and before you ask I don't think I want to) and he asked me what I needed with toys when he was there. Gross. Super. Extra. Gross. The cashier told me that he was shocked at that guy’s boldness. Perhaps if I had been hanging out in the ‘arcade’ area making lusty eye contact with every man, woman and child that walked in his talking to me would have been acceptable, otherwise not so much. Just like I don’t like people looking in my cart in the grocery store, I don’t want some tiny 21 YO Asian man looking at my sex toys and asking to play along. Can’t a girl buy personal massagers get any peace anymore? What has this world come to?

People do not hook up in porn stores…. Ok let me amend that, people that look like me and my friends don’t hook up in porn stores, I’m almost positive.

Which brings me to my next point – sex toys are too expensive and I think y’all should give me money to buy them. Just a thought. Maybe I will be less bitchy? One can always hold out hope….

Oh, and Paul's an ass.

Paul update, he's an ass.

2006-01-16T08:38:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update because I am crabby driven by lack of sleep this weekend:

Paul and I had a text message conversation that went like this:

P- U up for a fuck
Me- Did you get my messages Tues?
P- Yes
Me- And?
P- And I’m working 8 n 9 days straight and I’m tired
Me- Can we try to not make plans and break them with no call?
P- If u don’t understand tell me and Ill stop calling
Me- I get what we r doing here, remember I helped make up the rules- I just don’t like waiting up 4 somebody that’s not gonna show, my head skills r 2 refined 4 that
P- So u wanna fuck?
Me- Come over in 15

So he got to my house and went to sit down on the couch and I told him not to bother because I didn't have anything to say to him. We went to the bedroom, had the best sex we have ever had, and as soon as we were done I rolled over and told him I wanted to go to sleep since I was going out later and needed a nap. I closed with “I think you know where the door is, go let yourself out.”

So that’s how it’s gonna be until I find somebody to replace him….

Y’all be good, maybe more later.

Boring

2006-01-13T11:13:00.000-08:00

Nothing exciting going on here. I hung out with the girls last night until about 10 then I had a conversation with Pix that went something like this:

Me- I want to have sex, I’m going to call Pablo (the 21 YO) and have him come over.
Pix- You haven’t had sex with him yet, you cant tonight, it has to be with someone you have already fucked
Me- OK, I’m calling Damien (another 21 YO)
Pix- OK
(later)
Me- He’s sorry but he has to work tonight, what the hell am I going to do?!? I’m going to call The Suit
Pix- The sex wasn’t good enough to bring him back in, remember how you hate the way he looks at you?
Me- Yeah. Dammit.
Pix- Looks like no sex for you tonight, unless you call Paul.
Me- Bah- never.
(5 minutes later)
Me- Tell me I’m the master
Pix- Why?
Me- Ha, my cute neighbor Hector is coming over for drinks
Pix- You are the queen
Me- I can have sex if I want and all it took was walking out to the parking lot
Pix- Good for you
Me- I am the master

I did not have sex with him, or anything of the sort, but he did a good job of distracting me by talking until I got sleepy enough to forget about fucking.

He said something that struck me as odd – along the lines of ‘she’s not like us, she has emotions.’ Like us? I have emotions, I just choose not to showcase them to everybody.

Applications for new fuck buddy are now being taken at the front desk. Qualified applicants only. ;)

Sorry I'm late

2006-01-12T09:49:00.000-08:00

Here you go. I wanted to do something cool with this pic, but I don't have time.

Today is sucking for somebody I care for, wish us all luck. Cryptic I know.

Ugggggg....

2006-01-11T11:38:00.000-08:00

Every time I drink these days I get sick. What the hell is up with that? I haven't been drinking more than usual- it is all very odd. I would love it if somebody would come by my desk and put me out of my misery right now. No seriously, please.....

Cuban Boy called me last night while I was at happy hour. He was very chatty and friendly, it was annoying.

I have not heard from Paul yet, I am not really suprised. He has three of my movies and I want them back. I don't know...

Bah @ the world.

Fuck

2006-01-11T06:50:00.000-08:00

I am the pinnacle of restraint when it comes to drunk dialing - I never, ever do it.

Until last night.

I'm pretty sure I screwed things up with Paul, which might be for the best in the end anyway.

The offense?

"U have been a shitty fuck buddy lately, what the hell is up with that?"

Followed up with "Don't bother to come over tonight."

Goodness me, perhaps I should stay away from tequila??

Oh gosh.....

2006-01-10T09:38:00.000-08:00

Somebody let me go in to Baby Gap and now I want one (a baby, not a store silly.)

I know that's crazy talk and I would miss all of the booze and the wild nights out, but dammit those little booties and the tiny little hats are so darn cute.

I'm sure lunch with The Suit will curtail all motherly instincts that are gnawing their way out of my body. Let us hope so anyway.

2006-01-10T07:56:00.000-08:00

I managed to sunburn my entire body last night. Ever had your eyelids burnt to a crisp? So. Not. Fun. Nipples, who needs nipples? They are merely the body’s equivalent of flair, right? Ahhhhhh to be one of those girls that can go without a bra and not look like a freak. I will be better tomorrow, I do this frequently. The painful price we pay to not look pale and sickly.

So I have lunch plans with The Suit today, doesn’t that sound like a good idea? I haven’t seen him since before Christmas, so I’m sure he will have lots to tell me. We set up this little rendezvous last week over IM, so when he called me last night I was a little caught off guard. To be honest with you it was nice to hear his voice, to hear someone tell me how much he misses talking to me every day. I promise not to get sucked back in y’all.

Nothing exciting going on here. For those of you who asked, the new doggie is working out quite well. It is hard having a deaf dog, it makes correcting him very difficult. He likes to chase the cat (oh she just loves me right now) and will get in the trash if I am not careful, but he makes a nice little companion. He does this weird thing that makes me really sad for him, when he is going to sleep and when I am getting ready for work he buries his head in a blanket and sucks on it. There is no chewing, he just puts it in his mouth and whines a little until he falls asleep. I looked it up (what did we do before the net?) and apparently this is common behavior in dogs that have been displaced and have been through a shelter. Poor little guy.

So there you have it. Tonight is tequila Tuesday at a local bar, so I will be heading over with some of my fun coworkers. Thank God for tequila!!!

If you really love me...

2006-01-09T14:36:00.000-08:00

You will read all 65,000 posts I had today.

Sorry for being so verbose, you know how I can get when I am bored.

Fun with email on company time.....

2006-01-09T14:29:00.000-08:00

Pixel: And I have fat arms.

Moi: Not my best picture either, come to think of it none of us look really great. It’s a conspiracy I say, a conspiracy.

I do not have the slightest interest in being here today. Must go home, must drink (maybe- I got really drunk last night but felt surprisingly well this morning.)

I really need to find a new friend with benefits, Paul just isn’t cutting it. If he does not call tonight or tomorrow night (his days off) I will be forced to kill him, but only after sleeping with his brother and best friend first. A girl has needs, needs that are not being met, and that have not been met this year. OMG. That’s 9 days, counting NYE 10. OMG. I might actually physically die. Die I tell you, then won’t he feel bad about himself?? Ha, that will teach him.

Who’s leg do I have to hump to get a bottle of water delivered to my desk around here? I need a work minion, that’s the ticket.

I’m going to put an ad on Craigslist that says “Cool girl looking for Paul’s replacement in North Dallas. To be true to his character you must be totally selfish, hard to get a hold of, stingy with the compliments, and super cute and big and strong.”

Think that will work?

Bah @ the world.

Pixel:
I am afraid that ad would work frighteningly well. Post it, let’s see the weirdos come out of the wood work. Might help the day pass faster at least.

Today is so freaking boring. I am struggling to come up with something to do that will take me outside the office. It is so boring here. I can go to Vancouver not only for no money, but with only taking two vacation days. Rock on. C is hooking me up with a hotel room, so I don’t even have to stay with him if I don’t want to.

Attorney wants to move my divorce date to Thursday. Doesn’t he know this must be done as soon as possible. Oh well, he is free. Although he mentioned me bringing money to the courts. What else could they possibly need?

I also drank too much last night, threw up and felt fine this morning. Ha, I beat the bad consequences, well almost, that proves drinking is not bad.

There is a new country song out determined to prove that all people who listen to country music are idiots, damn them. It is called Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk. Not sure on the spelling since it is a made up word.

My MP3 players holds four songs. Five if they are all short.

And I made cookies, can you believe it, from scratch.

I am not staying in at all this weekend. I might even sleep outside.

Moi:
I cannot believe you are really going to go to Vancouver to be with a stranger that has a coke problem. You are a complete weirdo. The best we can hope for is that his freezer is full from the last American girl he hacked up and he will have no room to store your body parts, and therefore will let you live another year until he needs more chili meat.

So Joey of the “worst night out with lawyers ever (you still owe me)” is wanting to move it out? Maybe that means that J won’t show up? That would be great. I can always arrange to have his legs broken as well (that was a joke Big Brother, and I am a virgin if you were wondering about those other emails and that silly blog) if you need me to.

Drinking is obviously not bad seeing as how we did not suffer the consequences attached with overindulging. Yea us. We are pro’s (that cant be a good thing.)

These cookies of which you speak, what the hell were you thinking? This is wildly unacceptable behavior and will not be tolerated. I insist on slovenly behavior at all times.

Your MP3 player sucks, I need an IPod so bad I can taste it (and it surprisingly enough tastes like whiskey.)

Oooooooo @ that sleeping outside, but what is this sleep of which you speak? That is so not on the menu for next weekend, right?????

Moi:
Oh, and I am considering calling Damien.

Pixel:
No calling Damien. He is named after the son of the devil for goodness sakes. Here in the biz, we call that a sign of evil to come. Take heed.

Mio:
Now see at first I read that as “take head” to which I was going to reply “he will do so gladly.”

It’s not like I want to have a child with him, I just need to use his, ummmm, appendages for a while. No harm no foul.

Pixel:
You can buy those appendages without having a man attached. Quite frankly, some days I am positive that is the way to go

Moi:
Meh, they just don’t do it for me anymore.

For every minute you don’t send me a picture of that puppy another kitten will die. Fuzzy, cute little kittens are dying and it’s all your fault.

Somebody needs to die a slow and painful death

2006-01-09T10:27:00.000-08:00

I came home at lunch to find a lease violation notice on my door. It seems that it is a terrible, terrible offense to have a mop on my patio, and if I don't remove it by tomorrow I will be fined $50 a day until I do so.

Oh. My. Gawd.

That is the one and only item on my patio, a lonely little mop.

Bastards.

Monday

2006-01-09T08:34:00.000-08:00

I don’t have much today since I posted yesterday in a fit of inspiration brought on by my new corset (I love it so very much.)

Nothing exciting this weekend, I’m trying to stay in more, drink less, and save money for the myriad of vacations that I have planned for this year. I am walking in to this new year with 140 hours of vacation (yea rollover) and almost another week in floating holidays and whatnot. That leaves me with quite a bit of time to lay on a beach and corrupt young men.

Perhaps I will feel inspired later, for now I suppose I shall try this ‘working’ thing for a few hours.

Y’all be good, and if you can’t please post pictures ASAP.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, the 'date' was her attempt to suck me in to the scary world of selling cosmetics. There was so much 'rah-rah' going on at the event that I almost choked on my own vomit. Bleh. I am so not perky enough to drive a pink Cadillac.

PS - I am thinking about changing my profile pic to a Sleestak, would that be bad? Remember Land of the Lost?

What does every single girl need more of???

2006-01-08T11:52:00.000-08:00

Why lingerie of course....... corsets specifically.

I saw this on Saturday and knew I had to have it. When I tried it on when I got home I was tempted to lay around the house in it all day and drink champagne and eat bon bons. Perhaps this afternoon.

I have the best HNT entry that you will EVER see from me on the horizon. Hehehe... y'all had better come back Thursday.

Enough fanfare, here is it...
Oh, and while at a thrift store I saw a baby tee that said 'Club Vibe' on it and spent a whole dollar on it because I like to think it refers to my vibrator collection and not some cheesy club in Dallas that died a horrible death.

Muhahahaha.

Lesbian love

2006-01-06T11:27:00.000-08:00

OK so apparently it is weird that I met a woman in the grocery store and now have plans to go somewhere with her on a Saturday morning. I’ve never seen myself as being the least bit naive, I just assumed that she was looking for female friends just like I am. Pixel and all of my coworkers think that I have agreed to a date with a woman. Stephanie the lesbian, I think it could work.

It goes hand in hand with the text message I sent last Friday – “A very butch woman just hit on me, oh yeah, I’ve still got it.” The difference was that I didn’t give her my phone number. Did I not think twice about the situation because the grocery store woman was very attractive and not at all ‘butch?’ Hmmmm. I am still going to go (you boy’s can get those dirty thoughts out of your head, nothing is going to happen. Or will it???)

Girls night out last night was such a blast and I met some really nice people. It is odd going out in a large group of women however, I was a little stunned at the amount of money I spent without the aide of men buying a few of my drinks. I know that sounds bad, but $75 in drinks is really out of control.

Please don’t misconstrue what I am saying, I do not go out with the intention of getting men to buy me drinks (I am so not that girl,) and there are many times that I refuse them or buy them one or two in return. I think the difference was the bar we were at last night the drinks run $7-$9 each, and the men that go there usually refuse the return drinks. I don’t go there often at all.

I need to shut up now, I apparently still have enough Patron in my system to make me a blithering idiot (like that’s something new.)

Y’all have a good weekend.

HNT

2006-01-05T08:33:00.000-08:00

I'm wearing this sweater today. I love it.

There you go.

That is all, move along. (I may be back later.)

Piss-eeeeee

2006-01-04T08:33:00.000-08:00

I am in the worst mood ever today.

Plans fell through last night and frankly I am tired of that happening. This is yet another indicator that I need to make a concerted effort to find new people to hang out with.

I have taken a few steps to make this happen, I am meeting up with a group of random girls on Thursday for happy hour, and am going to an event on Saturday morning with a very nice lady I met at the grocery store (apparently I can meet people anywhere.) I am on the fence about her since when we talked this morning she informed me that I have to be somewhere at 9 am on a Saturday morning, and she told me that a skirt would be appropriate. I said that was fine, but she was not to have any expectations of my being nice and/or chipper at such an early time. And the skirt I wear will be slutty. Fuck, I don’t have any slutty skirts (sorry to disappoint Todd.)

Moving on, I have decided to focus my wrath on my fellow coworkers. I have decided to hate those girls who apply makeup in the bathroom in the afternoon. What the hell are they doing that their makeup has been so severely damaged that they have to reapply eye liner at 2 in the afternoon? We work in an office for goodness sake, not the salt mine (where I am sure eye liner is strictly forbidden.) There is this one skinny little twig that is all blonde and perfect and is always in there, her jaw set in concentration as she delicately brushes blusher on her cheeks. I don’t even own blusher dammit. That’s ok, my mom and that guy down at the liquor store tell me I’m pretty without it, but I don’t know how much I can trust their word ‘cause I’m pretty sure he drinks, and my mom is genetically obligated to tell me I’m pretty no matter what.

Speaking of the liquor store guy, I recently cheated on my regular guy with another store. I am riddled with guilt, riddled I say. The worst part is this clerk at the new store is better with the compliments, and he branches out from using the word ‘pretty’ and hit one out of the park with his usage of ‘stunning’ the other night. What girl doesn’t want to be called stunning? I do, I do. I will keep going back to the first guy because he can offer my Crown Royal for $4 cheaper than anybody else, but I will continue to have wistful, bad thoughts about going back to the other guy every once in a while I’m sure. Maybe I will ask him to expand his repertoire, would that be bad? Mix it up a little bit to keep my attention, whatever it takes to save the relationship, right?

Yeah, I need to get a life.

Somebody buy me something shiny quickly.

How could I forget?

2006-01-03T14:51:00.000-08:00

Two things:

Sammy the cutest/sweetest Cocker Spaniel ever barks at Paul when he is naked (when Paul is naked, not Sammy- quit your crazy talk.)

My neighbor the 'security officer' was walking down the middle of the street waving around a shotgun and yelling at people who were coming home to go inside when I got home New Years Eve. I sent a note to the office telling them that this kind of behavior is unacceptable, and if I ever witness anything of this magnitude again that I would call the proper authorities. I can expect to be evicted soon I suppose. :) Oh well.

Loquacious (as usual)

2006-01-03T11:31:00.000-08:00

Text message conversation with Paul Friday:

P- I’m off work now
Me- Tell work I said “Please excuse Paul from working until midnight as it will make it hard 4 me 2 suck his dick”
P- I will be sure 2 do that.
Me- For a second there I was thinking “O gosh I hope I replied to the right person”
P- That’s so fucked up
Me- It happens and you know it
P- Wanna fuck later?
Me- No fucking cause God hates me, but if u r impatient then head’s always an option cause I’m nice (aren’t you lucky)
P- I am lucky and I’m so there

When he got to my house he told me that the highlight of his 2005 was fucking on the hood of my Jeep in the alley of a random residential neighborhood. Hot. Sigh. Whatever.

I wish....

2006-01-03T10:26:00.000-08:00

Horoscope:

"You're so darned sociable that it's often tough to make a date with you. Still, if you want to find the time for someone, you'll find it -- and there's someone you'd cancel just about anything to be with now. The good news is that they're feeling the same way. Suggest that you two blow off the rest of the world and devote the next 24 hours to each other -- period. Bet you don't get any arguments."

There is no way I can tell him.

Items of note from New Years Eve

2006-01-03T08:02:00.000-08:00

A man with a handle bar mustache hit on me. It was long and waxed and very, very icky.

I walked by a couple and the man stopped me and said “OMG how about this one?” to his wife and she replied “absolutely not.” Pixel thinks they were looking for a 3some partner and I was vetoed by the wife. Ewwwww, as if.

Three men stopped me and told me I was pretty and they really wanted to put their faces in my cleavage. How very classy is that? The one that stopped me had his hand on the back of my neck in a really tight drunken grip and I was slightly concerned for my safety.

Blake Shelton has very pretty eyes, we were about 3 feet away from the stage.

A woman in the concert crowd told me to put my arm down because she couldn’t see and I refused on principle, and because she was a cunt. She punched me in the stomach as Pixel and I were heading for the bar. It didn’t hurt because there wasn’t enough room for her to get a good swing, but I was obviously pissed anyway.

New plan going forward- New Year’s party at my house, no rednecks allowed.

Dude is so grounded.....

2005-12-30T11:59:00.000-08:00

Holy Crap

Well, at least I can say with all confidence that I never scared my mother by skipping school and heading out for a war torn counrty. Or did I........

Bored at work

2005-12-30T09:23:00.000-08:00

I am bitterly disappointed because I wanted to go to the Cross Canadian Ragweed concert tonight but the damn thing is sold out. Shut up, I’m allowed to like country music, I do live in Texas after all.

I had a conversation with somebody earlier this week that went something like this:

“Don’t put that porn in, you know there is a rule against you watching porn in my house.”
“Rule, what rule?”
“The rule put in place after ‘the incident.’”
“Pshaw, but Dion has never seen your porn collection.”
“I don’t care, he can go home and watch his own porn. What made you think I would want to watch porn with him anyway, I just met him tonight.”
“Hey, how about you give us a little head instead?”
“Us? You are trying to get yourself and your friend laid? I already told you I would never, ever fuck you. Think 'the world is ending and we need someone to populate yet she still says no.' Somebody needs to lay off of the crack.”
“You know I sell that, right?”
“We’re going to the bar and you are buying all of my drinks.”
“Allright 'lil mama.”
“You so will never, ever see me naked.”
“Ok.”

I cannot wait for people I actually like hanging out with to get back in town.

HNT

2005-12-29T08:10:00.000-08:00

My blogging circle has collided with someone very undesireable from the past. All I can say is ewwwwwww.

Os asked that we post our fav HNT entry, so here you go:

Items of Note from my hiatus

2005-12-29T07:54:00.000-08:00

My mother was admitted into ICU for a week with what was called a ‘cardiac event’ that turned in to ‘you have lung cancer’ that turned in to ‘we don’t know what the hell is wrong with you.’ She is now home ‘resting’ (doing restful things like cleaning out the garage and picking up the leaves.) She feels ok for the most part.

The Suit and I attempted to ‘just be friends’ and he then proceeded asked me for sex. We have only had a few short, guarded conversations since.

Paul and I saw each other the week after Thanksgiving and he was acting weird and asking a bunch of questions about The Suit. I purposely failed to mention that I had broken up with The Suit. He told me that we was going to ‘be very busy’ over the holidays so I assumed that meant we were done. He sent me a text message X-mas eve that said Merry Xmas and that he would see me when he gets back in town. I don’t know where we stand.

The minion that I mentioned from a few weeks back freaked out and sent me a message that said ‘lose my number’ because I playfully chastised him about his obsession with my breasts. That was easy.

I never called the Santa entry in my phone.

I was asked for my id last night while purchasing Nyquil. You only have to be 18 to buy this drug, I told the lady she was crazy and she said ‘no id, no Nyquil.’

The vet’s assistant told me that I looked like the finished product on What Not To Wear. That was one of the nicest compliments I’ve received in a long time.

Gasp

2005-12-28T13:50:00.000-08:00

I pick the dog up from the vet at 5 and I am expected to pay around $400 so they can run fancy tests on his floppy little ears and his big watery eyes.

Oh. My. Gawd.

I am very glad he refused to let them take his tempature now. Damn the man he said, damn the man.

They were going to kill him today....

2005-12-28T08:03:00.000-08:00

So I now have a new dog.

His name is Sammy and he is a beautiful 10 YO Cocker Spaniel that is as sweet as they come.

The animal shelter attendant cried when I told her that I would take him home with me. He had been there a long time because everybody that comes in there wants a puppy.

He was dirty and stinky and tugs at the leash like a madman, but he loves to have his big floppy ears rubbed and will do just about anything for a belly rub. He is completely deaf and doesn't know what to think about my cat.

He snores very loudly and stole my new super-soft blanket off of my bed at some point last night, but he loves to go outside and his whole body wags when I pick up his leash.

He cleaned up very nicely, it turns out that he has beautiful silky hair. We have an appointment with the vet this afternoon to begin treatment on what I am sure is Kennel Cough. If he has heartworms you can all count on a PayPal account being added here in the next few weeks.

Just what y'all wanted, more pictures of my furbabies.

I'll be back for real soon.

Paul comes back in town today. Muhahahaha.

Hiatuis

2005-12-13T08:12:00.000-08:00

The Suit has resumed communications and now thinks that we can be friends. We had coffee together yesterday afternoon and talked on the phone last night.

I am on the fence about how this will work out. On the one hand I would like to have a good, solid male friend, but the logical part of me says this is his way of trying to get things back to where they were. There will be no getting things back to where they were, do not fret.

I'm now on blogging hiatuis. Have a wonderful holiday season.

Holy crap- get a fucking life (and no I will not call you)

2005-12-12T14:49:00.000-08:00

"Anonymous said...
tick tick tick... You need help !!You lost your father and best friend and your an emotionally shut down person.When your down you seek comfort with your booze "NOT GOOD" and doormats !!! YES I said doormats !!!! You use sex as a tool...get over it...Your shit is not gold...What do you think your Dad is thinking upstairs????? Damn, when I lose my Best Friend and Father I will do my best to make him proud and not rebel....grow up !!!!!! Now go lose yourself in booze and sex and make your Daddy proud....tick tick tick....Boom!!!!!

Anonymous said...
Yes !!!! you will have the balls to call me 214-914-$$$$"

You, sir, are a freak.

Knowing my Dad I'm sure he would say "right on."

Funfunfun

2005-12-12T12:19:00.000-08:00

The office party Friday night was lots of fun. We started drinking at 2 pm, didn't stop until midnight.

Saturday night's party was not so fun, but the group outing afterwards was a blast.

Inventory of my purse the morning after:
1 silver lighter from Denmark that is decidedly not mine
1 brownie of an unknown origin
2 inch long plastic penis party favors, pink and blue
1 candle holder from Mikasa
5 Hershey's kisses
7 new phone numbers, five in my phone and two on paper. One of the numbers in my phone says 'Santa.' Pixel says I should call that one first.

There was one guy that was hitting on me that was such a pushover I said "Hey minion go get me that guy over there in the cowboy hat" - and he did. When he called me last night to ask me out and I suggested we meet at the same bar here is what he had to say-

"I can't go there with you and run the risk of another rogue group of Santa's showing up and you making out with half of them again."

Point taken, but to my credit I made out with less than 10% of them.

So I went out with the minion but things just aren't going to work out in Pixel's opinion because I told her he was 'nice.' There is nothing wrong with 'nice,' but there is something wrong with a 34 year old man who has 420 tattooed on his arm in 2 inch tall letters (he was wearing long sleves when we met.) I do have to give him credit for having the balls to suggest we meet at the porn shop for our first date, but I'm pretty sure that was the hit of crystal meth he had apparently done talking.

I was good last night because two pretty men were tempting me to ditch my date and go with them to the bar next door, but it was late and I did not see much of my beloved bed this weekend, so I declined.

Yeah me, I think I deserve a brownie.

(Stolen from Os who stole it from.....)

I'm back

2005-12-09T10:44:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling better today despite the arrival of my first ever tooth ache.

I did a little shopping with my coworkers for a child we adopted, we had a good time.

I have two work holiday parties this weekend that I am actually looking forward to. We don't do the whole cheesy office party thing, they are both at swanky houses of VPs.

Y'all have a great weekend and be safe.

The breakup

2005-12-08T09:56:00.000-08:00

It has been done and I feel like an asshole.

He was so excited that we were going to be spending the better part of two days together that it made me want to vomit, so I sat him down and I told him that he has been putting too much pressure on me to make a commitment that I was not ready for.

He cried, I apologized over and over and told him that I felt that my intentions had never been misleading. I told him from day one that I was going to continue dating other people and that I was not interested in finding somebody to settle down with, he just repeatedly chose not to hear what I was saying. He acknowledged that was true, but he could not just date somebody who was dating other people.

He told me that he was a good catch and that I should be ashamed of myself for not wanting what every other woman in the world wants. I let him know that I think that is what attracted him to me in the first place, my having a different attitude about relationships.

*Sigh*

So I'm feeling pretty bad about me right now.

In a stunning lack of judgment I polished off an entire bottle of Crown Royal after he left (no small feat for sure.) I thought of y'all and my HNT commitments, so here is my ode to The Suit:

It's my dad.

2005-12-07T09:20:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night that we had another funeral for him because for some reason his body had to exhumed. This go around we buried him in Canada (go figure.)

I assume I had this dream since he was what I was thinking about before I went to bed- thinking about how much Christmas is going to suck without him there. I sat down to think about what I was going to need to shop for and he was the first name I wrote down because he was always the easiest to buy for, slippers and a few DVD's and he was a happy man, especially over the last few years when he was happy just to get to hang out with us.

I don't want to decorate my house, I don't want to go to stores that are selling Christmas items, I don't want to see all of the houses brightly lit up. Why should we be allowed to go on like normal when he isn't here to see it too?

One of our traditions was that the four of us (Mom, Dad, Sister and myself) would always get together on Christmas eve and have a little family party complete with fancy food and drinks. We would open our gifts and watch Christmas movies and just hang out, even when my parents split a few years back we still kept up the tradition. My parents never said a disparaging word about each other despite the horrific circumstances that caused their split, that evening was always the same.

Thinking about this last year I wondered what the hell I have to be thankful and joyous about. I lost him, I no longer have my male best friend of the last 10 years, my core group of friends has been ripped to shreds and I am left sitting over here by myself. Actually not alone, I am saddled with a man that I don't want and another that I want but isn't worth fighting for because what's the point? He will be like all the rest.

The weather here is getting bad (by our standards) and we are all being sent home. The Suit asked if he could stay over tonight since I live so close to the office and I tried to say no but just couldn't. I don't want any company, especially him. Oh well.

Wish us luck.

Morose

2005-12-06T08:22:00.000-08:00

I debated about posting this, but I figured I went to the trouble of jotting it down last night so I might as well put it out there. Those of you that don’t already think I’m a horrible person are about to….

Is it too much to ask that when we are wandering around the video store and you see me downcast my eyes and whisper “that was my Dad’s favorite movie” that you acknowledge it with a simple “I’m sorry” or “would you like to get that?”

The dreams that you chase seem silly to me, and I long to tell you but never will.

Sometimes I think “he seemed cuter when I gave him my card.”

I think of someone else when I’m with you. I approach you and put my arms around you and kiss you, but it’s never you I see.

Is it too much to ask that you don’t discuss my breasts with your coworkers? Did you tell them that I have a brain as well? Did you even bother?

I didn’t miss you while I was away. I kissed three strangers with a passion that you have never seen, and didn’t give you a second thought while I was doing it.

I see the way you stare at me when you think I’m not looking and it saddens me that I will never look at you that way. Never.

You left your shirt at my house and I wasn’t tempted to put it on just to be near you.

I hope you won’t call but you always do.

You are not as good in bed as he is because you never even asked what I like. He does.

When you tell me that you love it when you can still smell me on your pillow it makes me want to not come over anymore.

Damn - apparently I need a happy pill or two. Quick. somebody tell me a joke....

New focus

2005-12-05T12:35:00.000-08:00

I am now planning on focusing my attention on getting this filly in my bed as a part of my new lesbian lifestyle.

Hey, I might as well aim high, right?

Rarrrrrr. Yes, she shall be mine.

I just got the following email from The Suit:

"Hey babe, good news, I got a raise and I will be making $500-$1,000 more a month in commission. The first thing I thought when they told me was there would be more money to spend on you."

Oh gosh. I really have to do this soon.

It’s just not going to work out….

2005-12-05T08:17:00.000-08:00

I have to break things off with The Suit ASAP. I tried to be patient, really I did. I put up with the constant calls, the incessant need for reassurance, the fucking eye gazing.

The proverbial straw breaking that big, strong camel’s back happened this morning when he got up pre-dawn and began singing in the shower. I am NOT a morning person and it was really early and I was obviously not going to get out of bed when he did, yet he did it anyway. Oh, and he peed with the door open, a giant no-no in my book at any stage in a relationship.

First thing this morning he IMed me and told he that he appreciated the dinner I cooked (read ‘heated’) and he looks forward to more ‘cozy’ nights like that going forward.

Son of a bitch. Why can’t they just leave well enough alone? If a guy is lucky enough to get me to suck his dick, why, oh why can’t he just simply say thank you and move on about his business?

He brought up marriage again last night. We have been going out for less than two fucking months, what the hell? No matter how many times I tell him that I am not ready to just date him, how I am not looking for someone to marry he just won’t get it. He is constantly pushing me to meet his parents and friends.

I’m done, I’m joining a lesbian gang. That’s right, a gang. If I’m going, I’m going all in. Next time you see me I will have various tiara tattoos and will be flashing my gang signs left and right (you can imagine what those will be on your own.) I am going to miss the dick, but what can you do?

That is all for now. Carry on.

Well look who's back

2005-12-04T12:30:00.000-08:00

And I'm not happy about it one bit.

The only good thing about being back is I had two men who were very happy to see me, men I can actually have sex with (as opposed to all of those Canadian morsels of hotness that I denied myself.)

I met up with The Suit yesterday during the day and we went out to lunch and did coupely things (sans fucking because I was feeling a little bitchy about the whole 'end of vacation' thing.) He is planning on coming over to my house and staying tonight, this will be the first time I have allowed him to come over - now that's what I call progress. What, you think it's odd that we've been dating for like 2 months and he hasn't come over yet?

I went out with Paul last night, he is the only person besides Pixel who can know the whole story on the 'wildest night ever.' We had a very nice time, he finally proved that he is indeed human (I had my doubts) by admitting that he loves all of those cheesy claymation Christmas movies. He is such a big, strong manly man that it makes me all gooey inside to think of him watching the Grinch movie. I think I missed him most while I was gone, who would have thought it? :) He gave me the most passionate kiss ever when we left my house this morning. He must have forgotten who he was with, as I don't do the kissing thing with him. Most unusual.

I suppose I shall get back to the 438 work emails that are staring at me.

Y'all be good.

Wildest night ever

2005-12-01T21:27:00.000-08:00

Whereas Saturday night was 'the best night ever' last night was 'the wildest night ever.' Ever.

I cannot disclose any information for fear of retribution, let's just say that some of theses Canadian men know how to party like rock stars, and rock stars we were right up until 4 am.

We cannot even attempt to top the events of last night. OK, so we are still going to try tonight seeing as how it is our last night here.

Wish them luck (the boys up here that is.)

The vacation continues.

2005-11-30T20:37:00.000-08:00

There is a reason why I live alone. I don't like sharing cars, beds, towels and conversation before 10 am.

I like leaving something on the counter and being able to find it again in two hours. I like being able to come in at 2 am without having to be super quiet.

I like to sleep in silence, sans snoring (besides my own or that of someone who has fucked me properly.)

Perhaps going on vacation with my mom and sister was so very much not a good idea. Exactly how many botanical gardens am I expected to go to before it becomes acceptable for me to rake at my eyes with my fingernails in hopes of a quick trip to the hospital to get in out of the elements?

At least Pixel and I have an understanding, if one of us seems annoyed then we probably are and it is best to split up, it's just a skill that we have perfected over the years. It works for us. Them not so much.

I went to great legnths to protect my Anna Sui loose powder on the trip - I packed it in layers and layers of protection and put it in my carry on, I secured a special place in the bathroom for it and informed the others in the room where it was and to be careful. What happened you ask? The maid spilled the entire contents on the bathroom floor. The fucking bathroom floor. $40 powder. Oh well.

We have one more full day then it's back on the plane and back to the real world. The Suit says me misses me very much and come to think of it I miss him too. But I think I miss Paul equally, so what does that tell you?

We have ice skated (my first time,) been on a suspension bridge in the forest that would take your breath away (quite literally,) have seen whales and sharks, been to some killer gardens (lots and lots of them,) eaten in Chinatown, been to a ski resort, an archeology museum and lots of great clubs and lots of other stuff as well. (There you go Stairwell, we have done more than seduce Canadian men.)

More tomorrow....

More Canada

2005-11-29T13:40:00.000-08:00

Canada is still fun but I am horribly sick so I had to stay in last night. I like to call it the "Canadian Moose Bird flu" (I have seen no moose much to my chagrin.) The copious amounts of DayQuil are helping however.

I have seen my first real snow of my life (Texas 'snow' does not compare) and I am very excited about it.

I have hung out with lumberjack, sheet metal workers, and have been given a free cab ride for a promise of a double date (we were assholes and didn't call him.)

The Texas thing goes over very well here, as do the cleavagie shirts, who would have thought it?

More later I'm sure.

Canadia (that's what we are calling it now)

2005-11-28T00:07:00.000-08:00

So much fun. You should all come here and join us. Right now.

Again I say muhahahahaha.

What is the best quote ever you ask?

"I'm not the most difficult girl to get in bed, let's face it. When it comes down to it i'd rather fuck than be nice. It's true" ~Pixel

Rarrrrrr

2005-11-27T14:52:00.000-08:00

Holy crap, Canadian men are fun.

Last night is currently being referred to as "the best night ever," but our goal is to top that tonight.

To those of you who I met last night, thanks for the good time. Don't read any of my archives, it will only scare you.

Muhahahaha.

Texas Tornado

2005-11-22T11:19:00.000-08:00

OK I'll admit it, I spent some time with Pablo last night. Nothing happened beyond some mild flirting, but I had a great time. He had a flat on his Navigator so I watched him change the tire and then we just stood around and talked. He is super sweet, a little bit shy and terribly cute. He will be taking my dog on Wednesday (literally, that is not some bad analogy.)

I have plans with coworkers then Paul tonight, dinner and whatever else with The Suit on Wednesday, Thanksgiving festivities on Thursday then we are off to Vancouver from Friday until the following Friday. Busy busy.

Pablo and I made plans to hang out after I get back from vacation.

The Suit is pushing me to come over and meet his family on Thursday, but I think I shall decline for now. He is growing on me more and more, even with his girly talk about feelings and all of that crap. It is nice to have a man tell you he wants you every day, someone who cant wait to show you off to his family and friends. He knows how introducing an interracial partner can be sticky, but he is ready to push forward. It's endearing. Shut up, that doesn't make me girly. Take that back right now.

So Vancouver. Do we all understand that if Pixel and I survive it will be a miracle? No wait, let me amend that, do we all understand if the men of Canada survive it will be a miracle? Texas tornado's, oh yes we are.

More later.

Mommieeeee

2005-11-21T12:30:00.000-08:00

Pablo calls me Mommieeeee with that sexy lilt that I remember so fondly from my vacation in Miami last year. Rarrrrrrrr.

I know he's only 22, but can I not play just a little? Just a little bit? Pleaseeee?

The Suit wants to 'define' our relationship and is immensely worried about my fidelity while I'm on vacation. He should worry about my fidelity on Tuesday when Paul comes back in town more.

I am growing fond of the way he calls me "his girl" however.

We have a big work happy hour tomorrow night, libations for everyone. I have to make sure I look super cute for the event, as I am saving money for the trip to Vancouver and would like to have my drinks purchased for me by strangers. Shut up, you other women do the same thing, and you men would too if you could get away with it.

The cop next door complained about my dog again, so I am in the process of finding him a new home. :( I shall be a sad girl when he is gone.

That is all, move along.

Quotes from Saturday night

2005-11-21T08:24:00.000-08:00

"You stunned him in to silence with your tongue ring and I drive him insane. Damn we are good." -Pixel

"I'm not a parking lot kind of girl." -Me (haha)

"God I want to see you naked." -Steve a married guy at the bar

"You girls are the most fun I can have without cheating on my wife." -Marty, another married guy at the bar

"Don't threaten me with a good time." -DJ at the bar when I joked about a 3some

"When I die from breaking my neck in these heels please tell everybody how tiny they made my feet look." Me to The Suit

"I can't believe I flashed those guys at the bar." Me to Pixel

Good times, good times. Thanks for helping us wrap up the night Shumpy. Putting up with the two of us at closing time could not have been easy I'm sure. ;)

Happy Monday. :( Work sucks, send money.

Nada

2005-11-18T10:30:00.000-08:00

I really don't have anything to say.

The Suit doesn't have any time for me and is therefore that much more attractive. No, I'm not fucked up at all.

It is Friday morning and I don't have any plans for the weekend. The Suit is trying to tell me he can fit me in after 2 am tonight when he finishes his dj gig. Nice huh? Fit me in? Moi?

Anywho, y'all have a good weekend. I will try to have some adventures to report to ya on Monday.

Gross

2005-11-17T11:44:00.000-08:00

My horriblescope from today:

"Venus, planet of love, and Mars, planet of action, are in a great harmony today. If you have been considering reuniting with an ex, or are in the early stages of a new love, this is one day where the zodiac favors passion. Are you in love yet?"

Gross. Perhaps I should avoid men today.

Still Pissy

2005-11-16T10:22:00.000-08:00

So here I am at work, again. It seems like I just left, perhaps that is because I just left. I worked another 13 hours yesterday, so there are no adventures from last night to speak of. I went home, watched 30 minutes of a movie and went to bed. The world of finance can be exhausting. Shut up, it is so.

Let me tell you of the Monday night snafu. So I decided to go out with Paul despite his bizarre behavior, so I jumped in the shower about 10:30. When I got out I heard a knocking on the door, so I wrapped a towel around myself and went to see who it was. It turned out to be the new man-child that moved in a few doors down a few weeks ago – the one who asked me if I was ‘spoken for.’ He was standing there in a suit looking a little apprehensive, so my first thought was that something was wrong, so I cracked the door open a bit and said hi, modestly hiding my toweled body behind the door.

He said that he could see he caught me at a bad time (the wet hair gave me away,) but he wanted to see if I had a few beers he could buy since the liquor store was closed. I lied and told him I didn’t have any (since I was naked and all) and he started to walk away.

Before I could get the door closed my lovely dog zoomed in from my bedroom and charged the door, slipping out before I could stop him. I panicked, opened the door, stepped out and dropped the towel to my waist before I realized that I should probably not be outside topless.

He caught the dog and delivered him back to me, but not before he (and the rest of the neighborhood) got an eyeful of boobies.

He was embarrassed, I thought it was funny as hell.

That was all so very me. I hope he doesn’t start coming by every night hoping for a repeat show.

Must work. Bastards.

Ranty McRant

2005-11-15T10:27:00.000-08:00

Hold on kiddos, here I go.

Let’s start with the fact that I worked from 8 am to 8:30 pm yesterday, while all of my coworkers were blissfully going on with their mundane lives of picking up kids and making school lunches. These are the same peers who all left at 2 pm on Friday while I got to work until 6. This would be a nice case of ‘let’s make the new(ish) girl take up all of the slack.’ Bastards. Little do they know how quickly I burn through the ranks and get promotions. They will all be working for me very soon without any doubt.

So I get home and strap on my running shoes to blow off some steam with Zuesy Bear. We go to the neighborhood next to my apartments and are walking down the middle of the road when some asshole stops me and says “I just wanted to remind you that in this neighborhood we pick up our dog’s poo.” Now mind you I am walking in the middle of the road, nowhere near any grass at all. I felt like telling him “Look asshole, you can tell me when and where my dog can shit the second you grow some of your hair back, lose 50 lbs, add about six inches to that tiny dick of yours and bend me over the side of the couch and fuck me like a real man – then and only then can you tell me what to do. Oh, and speech therapy might help with the lisp cock sucker. Fuck you very much.” My dog would rather gnaw his own paw off than take a crap on concrete – I would be the much more likely candidate to do that – don’t think I didn’t consider it for just a second. It’s a good think I have that one little shred of pride left.

Speaking of dog poo and things that suck (that would be me) – can somebody please provide me with a good reason why I should not save my pennies to pay to have the Black-eyed Peas assassinated? Really, tell me now. If I hear that motherfucking My Humps song one more time I cannot be held responsible for any murderous rage I may fly in to. “My lovely lady lumps?” Really? This is the best they could come up with? How about the scathingly brilliant line of “What you gon’ do wit all that breast?” I’ll tell you what I’m gon’ do with ‘em, I’m going to use them to smother myself next chance I get.

Cuban Boy called last night – he was asking for his DVD’s back. He knows the rules about all porn left at my house becomes mine to distribute as I see necessary. I told him I had nothing of his, except for that huge chunk of his heart that he left on my bedroom floor. Idiot.

Last, but so very much not least, there was Paul. He sends me a text message asking what I am doing. I say nothing, he says he is at the bar with a friend, I say cool, he says yes, I ask if he is inviting me to join or just taunting and he returns with you can join if you want. If I want? My reply was “could you be any more non-committal?” Again I say idiot.

That is all for now. I have a funny story from last night but I don’t want it to water down my bitching, so I will save it for later this week.

Y’all have a good motherfucking Tuesday.

Yum

2005-11-14T15:13:00.000-08:00

This is the cake I got for my sister's birthday yesterday:

Aren't you sad I am not your sister?

Oh the things I could do with some of that frosting and the right naked person....

In other news, due to the assholish thing Pixel’s date did to her this weekend I will now be becoming a lesbian.

I will accept applications for my new lesbian lover between the hours of 7-11:30 pm. Frosting optional. No wait, bring the frosting.

That is all.

No items of note

2005-11-14T12:03:00.000-08:00

Nothing fantastic to report from this weekend, all in all it was very blah.

I did meet a nice guy named Pablo Friday night - he has potiential, the only probelms are he is all of 22 years old and he has a child. What can you do?

I received two text messages from EB (who I have not spoken to in over a month.) The first one was last night and it said "Go outside and look up at the sky" and the second was this morning and said "Whatever I did I'm sorry."

Have I mentioned what a jerk I am? Yeah, I feel a little bad about this one.

More later.

It has been done

2005-11-11T08:24:00.000-08:00

Without having to tell any lies, I finally had sex with The Suit. All I can say is meh.

I suppose he has potential, but I got to field questions afterwards like "what do you think our kids would look like" and "are you falling in love with me?"

Gag.

I should have known better.

My responses were "what the hell are you talking about" and "I don't fall in love."

And then I had to stay the night and get up pre-dawn to make the hour long drive home to get ready for work.

Bah.

HNT

2005-11-09T19:53:00.000-08:00

You really can't go wrong posting a wicked scar for HNT can you?

This beauty is on my right thigh, it came from an incident involving me, the dog and some bushes. There may or may not have been alochol involved.

Isn't it pretty? Wow I look really pale in this picture, perhaps because I am really pale? I need to get more sun on those puppies.

I also have a scar on my knee that just won't seem to go away. I wonder where I go that from....

Men

2005-11-09T10:20:00.000-08:00

Last night’s text message conversation
“Let me know if you wanna fuck/drink later.” -me
“Sure, 10.” -Paul
“Sure to the fucking or the drinking?” -me
“Both” –Paul

So there you have it.

We went out with Pixel and her brother for the libations- back to the house for the fucking.

There was a model search at one of the bars and free beer. There was also a very uncomfortable conversation about how I only like men who don’t seem to want me, because Paul didn’t have enough insight into how fucked up I am before, right? More fuel for his ‘we’re just friends’ fire that is driving me crazy.

There was also a lot of mocking because a very nice Italian man came up to me and kept gushing “oh my gosh, you are so pretty” over and over. Paul turned it into a little song complete with a bad accent, he even managed to work it in to the bedroom later in the night.

I screwed up and sent The Suit a text message telling him I was going to bed while I was at the bar – of course he called right back and wanted to chat for a second. I had some explaining to do this morning. Men.

Could I be any more pissy?

2005-11-08T10:33:00.000-08:00

I think not.

At least this makes me smile:

I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you want to read about my sexploits you have to put up with pictures of my fur babies.

Is she not the cutest thing in the world? In her natural habitat, trying to keep me from reading (she's pretty sure that books are the devil.)

The weekend (be sure not to miss that last little tidbit down there)

2005-11-07T11:51:00.000-08:00

Things I found interesting from this weekend:

~ I planned on spending the weekend with The Suit but instead all I got was lunch on Saturday and dinner/sleepover Sunday. He chose work over me Saturday night.

~ I sent Paul a text message Saturday night telling him my plans had fallen through and asking if he had anything fun going on and he sent me one back that said he didn’t like being my second choice. Please remember that we are still sticking to the ‘just friends’ routine, so his attitude was completely out of left field.

~ I discovered the joy of making my own greeting cards and am now obsessed. Please, somebody give me an occasion and I will make a card!!!

~ EB continues to send me text messages that I don’t respond to. One this weekend asked “did I do something wrong?” The problem is he did not do anything wrong, I am just an asshole.

~ The Suit and I have still not had sex. The reason? He won’t have sex with anybody who is fucking anybody else, so until I can commit to not dating/fucking others he will not give me the goods. You should have seen what I wore to bed last night to try to lure him in….. he has a lot of resolve apparently.

The fugitive

2005-11-07T09:07:00.000-08:00

The Suit is in love and I am not.

This will be a problem.

My dog (the bastard that he is) tried to run away this weekend. I found him happily frolicking with a beautiful Great Dane and her daddy Eric. We have a 'play date' scheduled for the babies. Muhahahaha.

What good is a fugitive dog if for nothing else than getting me dates? He looks so defiant in this picture, taken when we got back from his little excursion.

I might talk about the weekend later..... must work.

I am not dead....

2005-11-04T09:32:00.000-08:00

Although it was touch and go there for a while.

I had what I like to call MCBF (Mad Cow Bird Flu.) OK, so maybe it was a wicked stomach virus, whatever, I wanted to die.

I sent text messages like "Food poisoning is the new Weight Watchers, 'cause I'm never eating again." (I thought I had food poisoning, which was going to give me reason to never cook again, but alas I was wrong.)

I begged the dog to go get me some Sprite, but he simply refused. The bastard. He is dead to me (ok maybe not, but dammit he should be able to handle getting a Sprite out of the Coke machine.)

I wanted to go to the doctor/ER/anywhere that would make the vomiting stop, but I could not get out of bed. I could not shower; I was too weak to pick up a book to read to pass the time. At one point I had a temperature of 102.7 - that would be the point at which I start hallucinating apparently, because I had a conversation with my father's skeleton about something.

But I am better now. Mostly. I haven't been able to eat anything at all since Tursday.

I went over and stayed the night at The Suit's last night, nothing sexy, just somebody to hold me all night and tell me I am pretty even when I am all icky and pale and weak. We came up with a new term - Fust- it is that combination of friendship and lust that you feel at the beginning of a new relationship. I think we are going to spend the weekend together. Why not?

I must get to the hundreds of emails in my work inbox. Fun stuff.

And one more thing.....

2005-11-01T14:24:00.000-08:00

I got this email after lunch:

"Being around you makes me feel special, you’re such a sweetheart. Lunch was great."

I have him totally fooled.

Paul to the rescue

2005-11-01T09:57:00.000-08:00

I asked Paul if I could take a picture of his penis with my camera phone at the bar last night and he refused. I promptly called him a pussy with no sense of adventure and he said “dude I fucked you in an alley, how much more adventurous do you want me to be?”

We found out later that night as we pulled in to the parking lot of a club on Greenville Avenue and parked between a child molester van and another SUV and had sex in the backseat as a couple in the SUV next to us watched. Now that’s what I’m taking about.

I walked in to a bar to meet him and saw somebody from my recent past sitting at the bar. Not just any somebody, but THE somebody that always mattered most. My blood ran cold and I bolted out the door like my hair was on fire (heaven forbid.) Paul got the call, my ex is here and unless you feel like kicking some ass you had better pick another bar.

Motherfucker. I liked that bar and the cheap drinks it had to offer on Monday’s.

I hatehatehate that I walked in there alone- we should have returned there so I could show off my pretty boy. I know he saw me – we held eye contact for a few seconds. He doesn’t even deserve to know I’m alive.

Hey, you know what S, if you are still reading this, as far as you know I am dead. Stop reading my fucking blog.

I have a lunch date with The Suit today- we are going fancy even though I told him it’s not necessary, I’m just not that high maintenance. I had a dream last night about the whole elevator incident, but it went far beyond the passionate kiss we shared. I think I shall tell him all about it over lunch, and if he’s lucky he will catch a flash of the tops of my thigh high stockings as well. I make a good tease when I want to.

Text message I sent to E last night: “Uganda guy called, Matt texted and the new neighbor came by and yet here I sit with Pinker (the cat) ‘cause I’m a freak.” Paul to the rescue.

The kiss

2005-10-31T15:32:00.000-08:00

I met The Suit in the elevator and we kissed passionatley for 22 floors on the way down to the lobby.

At work.

At. Work.

He wants me to come over tonight, but I don't want to drive.

Maybe.....